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Welcome back to another winners/losers edition at this sanctuary of sporting bliss. Before we start...Breaking news: Matt Schaub is out for the year which means this guy holds Houston's playoff hopes in his greasy, stink palm moving forward. Prepare yourself for a lot of this. And this. Now...let's all watch in complete euphoria as Matt Leinart rips the heart out of Texan fans everywhere and finally accomplishes something that's been in the works for years. Getting Gary Kubiak fired. Since we're talking about Leinart, king of the losers, I can't think of a more fitting place to start...
Penn State Fans - Delusion at its finest, people. This is the closest thing I have ever seen to a religious cult. The insane cults where people die/get hurt /force 13 year old boys girls to marry Jerry Sandusky 50 year old men. The same cults that build walls up around the community to keep the insanity trapped in so the people living there have no choice but to inhale the horror. I compare it to a body crippling fart that could potentially fry nerve endings that was let loose inside a greenhouse locked from the outside. Fight it all you want, but once you're in, there is no escape. Paterno helped cover up a child rape to protect the future of a football program, you fuckin kooks! Why would you ever want someone with such a distorted moral fiber to keep their job?! What if it were your kid getting hollowed out by Sandusky? I bet you would have wanted Gargamel Paterno to do more, then. Any Penn Stater saying Poopy Pants should have kept his job needs their fuckin head checked.
Boise State - Fuck you and congratulations. You just set back mid-majors 20 years. Laces out, Dan! Holy lightsaber cocksuckin blues! My pristine research ability tells me that kid's name really is Dan! Well, it used to be. Now it's probably something like "Afterbirth" or "Fetus Fucker". That makes this so much better. This worthless turd nugget should be hearing "Laces Out" so many times in the next 3 years his anus will hemorrhage. I hope someone YouTube's it. Hey Dan...I bet when you decided to kick for Boise State you never thought you would single handily destroy all hopes at the first mid-major National Championship bid EVER, did you? If I were on that team, I would pepper spray the inside of that choad's dick hole.
Stanford - Way to show up, faggots. I stayed up for that?? My favorite part of that game was seeing the sparkle in the eye of Kirk Fourthstring and hearing the lustful desire in his voice while talking all things Andrew "I need my tonsils removed" Luck. My God...just ask him to wear your Varsity jacket and get it over with, Kirk. I'm sure if you ask nicely, Andrew will be more than willing to let you tickle his naked buttcheeks with a down feather. The absolute best moment was after a late backbreaking pick 6 from Luck that fuckin rocketed off the frying pans of some Freshman. Herbs wouldn't shut his toilet about how impressed he was with Luck's reaction after Oregon was done cabbage patching in the end zone. What was he supposed to do? Go full blown Ryan Leaf on the Freshman fuck responsible and start flipping Gatorade tables over? Put him in the Steiner Recliner until the pelvis shatters? So fucking stupid, Hermie.
Nevada Houston - You are now the only mid-major team that anyone gives a shit about. Welcome to "We sort of give a fuck about you" land. Meh...I'll be honest. You're kinda like the less hot sister who's tits aren't as big who also has that crazy, unexplainable mole resting on the middle of your upper lip. But hey...keep blowing people out and maybe some day someone will be stupid enough to look past the glaring physical deformity that's nearly impossible to ignore and give you a shot at the big boy table.
Alabama - Pull out the fancy overalls. Shine up the high end dentures with what's left of the bleach grandma uses to stiffen up the moonshine. Dust off the lavish paper plate set, dab some motor oil on the neck and hide the pigs. It looks like Roll Motherfuckin Tide is heading back to the National Title game for "Bore the Fuck out of me Bowl 2". I know Bama's still ranked 3rd behind Okie State but I have a feeling that Oklahomo is about to show the Staties who the main boss in the "Fat Gross Bitch Obesity" state is. That would put Alabama at 2 since Oregon and Oklahoma winning out won't have the juice to push the Tide out of contention. Of course this crack theory of mine all hinges on this guy (look down) fucking up...
Brandon Weeden (Oklahoma State) - Underdog Heisman alert! I can't figure out if Weeden is that good or if Justin Blackmon is that big of a freak. Maybe it's a harmonious combination of both. But what I do know is that it can't hurt that Blackmon runs like a deer...a robot deer...on steroids. Both players have put up super dumb stats this year and are the driving force behind keeping Mike Gundy from having another gnarly public meltdown. My gut tells me that Oklahoma beats them this year...but my gut is also filled with peanut butter Snickers squares and 2 pounds of spaghetti. I'm sure that analogy explains everything. Owning puppies that puke up $100 bills every 10 minutes. That would actually make me happier.
I'm comin for ya, fuckers. Time to go shit out some spaghetti. Enjoy, shitdicks.
Virginia Tech won six of last seven games vs North Carolina, with dogs covering three of last four. Hokies won last five games overall- they are 0-4 as home favorites this year, wth home wins by 19-3-16 points, and a loss to Clemson. Carolina lost three of last four games, covered one of last five; since 2008, Tar Heels are 5-4 as road underdogs, 0-2 this year. Four of last five Tech games, three of last four UNC games went over the total. Double digit home favorites are 6-5 in ACC games this season.
Memphis is horrible, 1-8 vs D-I teams, losing home games by 45-42-18-6 points; they led last game 35-17 in 4th quarter and still lost. Tigers are 2-7 as underdogs this year, 0-4 at home- they're 3-11 in last 14 games as a home dog. Marshall won last three series games, by 15-1-11 points, as dogs covered all three games; Herd won 27-16 in last visit here, only win by a visitor in last six series games. Thundering Herd is 1-5 on road this year, with only win 17-13 as Louisville (+10.5). C-USA underdogs of 9+ points are 1-8 against the spread at home this season.
UAB won last two games vs Southern Mississippi, after losing previous nine series games; Eagles won five of last visits here, losing 30-17 in last visit two years ago. Blazers won LY's game 50-49, after trailing big early. UAB is 1-3 at home this year, losing by 39-18-43 points; they're 1-2 as home underdogs this year, 5-5-1 under Calloway. C-USA underdogs of 9+ points are 1-8 against the spread at home this season. Eagles won last eight games, covering six of last seven; since '03, they're 19-8 as favorites on foreign soil. Over is 5-2 in last seven USM games, 3-1 in UAB's last four contests.