Cnotes Joke of the Day !

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Forums General Chit Chat Cnotes Joke of the Day !

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  • #302436

    cnotes
    Member

    [B]MEN JOKES[/B]

    A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

    ‘It depends,’ I replied.‘What does it say on your shirt?’

    He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’

    And they say blondes are dumb….

    ———— ——— ——— ———

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’

    The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.

    ———— ——— ——-

    ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

    ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

    ———— ——— ——— ———

    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

    A: A rumor
    ——— ——— ——— —-

    Dear Lord,
    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

    Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

    AMEN
    —- ——— ——— ——–
    Q: Why do little boys whine?

    A: They are practicing to be men.
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——-

    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

    A: Trustworthy. .
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——
    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
    ———— ——— ——— ——— —
    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

    A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
    ———— ——— ——— ——— —-
    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——-
    While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world

    ……then He made the earth round.

    #302437

    cnotes
    Member
    • Author

    [B]Are You Sure He’s Mine?[/B]

    Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.

    Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

    They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant.

    Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

    Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.

    To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

    “How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

    Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

    “Not this time, honey.”

    #302438

    cnotes
    Member
    • Author

    cnotes
    Member
    • Author

    [B]Joke: Be Brave, My Love![/B]

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to sleep with you, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
    To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

    #302440

    cnotes
    Member
    • Author

    A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

    He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

    He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

    I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

    He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

    He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

    He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

    He said, “I’m NOT happy.
    My balls itch.”

    Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eye.

    #302441

    cnotes
    Member
    • Author

    My kind’a little girl.

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
    “OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

    To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

    And then she went back to reading her book.

    #302442

    pendo
    Banned

    THE FIREMAN’s BELLs

    Fireman comes home and goes to his wife,
    “At the Fire-barn we do things right:
    BELL 1: We put on our jackets.
    BELL 2: We jump on the bed of the truck.
    BELL 3: We go about our business
    putting out the fire.

    So from now on,
    when I say:
    “BELL 1” – I want you to take off your clothes.
    when I say:
    “Bell 2” – I want you to jump into bed.
    when I say:
    “BELL 3” – I want us to go about our business.

    So the fireman comes home and yells, “BELL 1” –
    and his wife takes off her clothes.
    He yells, “BELL 2” –
    and his wife jumps into bed.
    So he yells, “BELL 3” –
    and they start making love.

    Not long after, his wife hollers, “BELL 4” –
    he asks her what do you mean “BELL 4” ?

    She goes, “BELL 4: Reel out more hose –
    you’re nowhere near the Fire !!!!

    ~by Doug Buffone, Chicago Bear #55
    (Walter Payton’s Practical-Prank Pal)

    #302443

    pendo
    Banned

    (Referring to Jay Cut QB-ing)
    Do you know what the definition of confused is?
    (He’s) like a baby in a topless bar !!

    ~Doug Buffone

    #302444

    pendo
    Banned

    Genie found in bottle is requested to build a bridge from Frisco to Hawaii.

    Genie asks the guy if he realizes how challenging the pylons’ depths and weather-resistance would be to construct?

    Guy re-thinks, and goes,
    “Oh you’re right: OK, how ’bout granting my wish to understand the psychology of women?”

    Genie directly retorts, “Do you want it four lanes or two?”

    #302445

    pendo
    Banned

    Michael J. Wacko’s last words, whispered to the attending paramedics:
    “Please take me to the children’s hospital.”

    #302446

    pendo
    Banned

    Here’s something to think about, something that I’m never gonna forget:

    I recently picked up a new primary care doctor..
    After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
    “Doc, do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

    My Doctor asked me, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

    ‘Not often, no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

    Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs, and bacon?’

    ‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is comparatively unhealthy!’

    ‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

    ‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

    He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?’

    ‘I wish! – No…no I don’t’ I said…

    He looked me in the eye and said,..

    ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

    ~Doug Buffone, Chicago Bear #55

    #302447

    pendo
    Banned

    Escaped Prisoner
    A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
    He breaks into a house looking for money and guns.
    Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, and then goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife, ‘That guy’s an escaped convict. Seen his clothes !!
    He’s probably not seen a woman in years – I saw how he kissed your neck.
    If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do what he says. Satisfy him no matter how much he sickens you.
    The guy’s dangerous – if he gets angry, he’ll kill us both!
    BE STRONG HONEY “I LOVE YOU”

    His wife replies, ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me he’s Gay, thinks you’re cute and asked if we have any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    BE STRONG HONEY “I LOVE YOU”

    ~Doug Buffone, Chicago Bear #55

    #302448

    pendo
    Banned

    Diarrhea Is Hereditary — Proof’s it runs in your genes.

    #302449

    pendo
    Banned

    Kid tells, “Teacher, Teacher, a car ran over my dog’s ass !!”

    Teacher says, “You mean to say ‘RECTUM.'”

    Kid goes, “Rectum? Hell no, it killed him.”

    #302450

    pendo
    Banned

    In Paris, Frogs that double-park will get toad.

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