spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/07/2013 10:21 AM

Thursday's 12 Pack: Random thoughts on a beautiful day here in Florida....

12) All this stuff about National Signing Day is good publicity for college football, but it means nothing, since most freshmen redshirt anyway, so you don’t see lot of these kids on the field until 18-19 months from now. Plus, recruiting services don’t know as much as they’d like you to think.

11) That said, sounds like Ole Miss did better recruiting than they have in years. If you believe in ESPN’s top 150 list, Ole Miss got three of those kids; in the previous seven seasons, Rebels never got one kid off that top 150 list, so somehow they’ve made inroads recruiting the top players. Good for them. Now all they have to do is coach ‘em up.

10) Was surprised to hear that Tuesday night was first time Mike Tirico, Dick Vitale worked together in 12 years; you would’ve thought they would cross paths before then, no? They’re doing Indiana-Michigan State on the 19th, with Magic Johnson in a 3-man booth.

9) Basketball coaches like to preach that 80% of the shots missed from one corner are rebounded on the other side of the floor; someone finally did a study on 1,000+ missed 3-pointers, and found that while most missed 3’s from the corners do go to the other side of the floor, that number is really only 44%, but still its more than other areas of the floor. That couldn’t have been much fun, charting 1,000+ missed shots.

8) Houston Rockets tied an NBA record with 23 made 3’s Tuesday, but the Warriors wouldn’t let them break the record, fouling intentionally at the end so they couldn’t take any more shots behind the arc. Words were exchanged. Teams play again soon; it could be an interesting game.

7) Be warned, Baltimore, not that you care right now; the last seven Super Bowl champs did not win a playoff game the following season.

6) Phil Mickelson/Dustin Johnson are both 8-1 to win at Pebble Beach this weekend, with Brandt Snedeker 12-1. Lefty is defending champ, plus he won last week in Phoenix, but he’s also playing for third week in row.

5) Monopoly is dumping the “iron” game piece in favor of a “cat” token. People apparently voted on which game piece would get dumped. Must’ve been lot of people with wrinkled clothes that voted.………Monopoly, by the way, is sold in 111 countries, played in 43 different languages.

4) Pau Gasol is out 4-6 weeks with plantar fasciatis in his foot; time for Dwight Howard to man up and start earning his $18M a year salary. In other words, time for him to grow up.

3) Wisconsin 74, Iowa 70, in double OT. Is it me, or have there been a lot more close games in conference play this season?

2) Texas-Arlington basketball coach Scott Cross sent out an open letter to UTA fans, asking them to support the team for the rest of this season and in future years. Cross is a UTA alum, his passion for the school is evident. Well-written letter.

1) Can I please get the name of the genius who decided that having the US Postal Service sponsor Lance Armstrong was a good idea? Now we’re not getting mail delivered on Saturday anymore, while they tossed away $34M sponsoring that lying fool.

Even if he wasn’t a liar, if he was clean, why was the USPS wasting our money like that? We need to know who to blame for this fiasco

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  • 02/07/2013 12:06 PM

    LMAO at the "people with wrinkled clothes".....amazing how many versions of Monopoly there are even just in this country....

    hadn't heard that about the postal service - WTF are they doing paying money to advertise anywhere? Doesn't everyone get the mail every day? Sheesh

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/08/2013 09:47 AM

Friday's List of 13: Clearing out a cluttered mind......

13) Check out SportsCenter to see Marist's Chavaughn Lewis drain a tying 65-foot prayer at the end of the first OT. Red Foxes, a 16-point dog, stunned Iona 105-104 in double OT, in maybe the most exciting game played all season.

12) Felix Hernandez gets seven years, $175M from the Mariners; that’s a lot of money. Most fantasy leagues probably have had Felix as one of the few players who has been on the same team his entire careeer.

11) Celtics are 6-0 since Rajon Rondo blew his knee out; please don’t be the person who suggests that Boston is better off without him. They’re not.

10) University of North Dakota teams were always called the Fighting Sioux, until that nickname was deemed offensive to Native Americans; UND has yet to get a new nickname/mascot, and apparently won’t until 2015. Not sure what the delay is, not like there’s a transfer rule for mascots.

9) Tennessee Titans hired Gregg Williams as defensive coordinator, so that clinches that Tennessee’s game at St Louis this fall will be in primetime, since the Rams not only didn't wait to re-hire Williams, they dumped his son the assistant coach because the other coaches thought he was a know-it-all. .

8) Carlos Boozer missed 138 games in his last six NBA seasons; that’s 23 games out of 82 each year (and one of those seasons was only 66 games). Lot of money for a guy who isn’t very durable.

7) Mark Fox is doing his best with the Georgia Bulldogs, who won their last four games to get to 5-4 in SEC, 11-11 overall. Its tough to turn a losing program around; Fox was highly successful at Nevada, but Wolf Pack had a winning team before Fox took over. Georgia is a much tougher place to win in roundball- you have Kentucky/Florida in your league, for one.

6) Slow news day in Big Apple: Lindsay Lohan owes $223,904 in taxes, doesn’t have it, so she moved back home. What exactly does she do for a living? If she got paid for appearing in newspapers, she’d have more money than Bill Gates.

5) Boston Bruins' goalie Tim Thomas is 38; he took this year off to spend time with his family, but in meantime, he was traded to the Islanders for a 2nd-round draft pick. Its unusual, but apparently salary cap-related.

4) Wright State won in double OT at Green Bay, a strange game where Wright State had three double digit scorers, none of whom started the game. Raiders made 11-20 behind the arc, only took six foul shots (5-6).

3) Murray State beat Belmont 79-74, giving Bruins their first OVC loss; it would be surprising if those two don't meet for the OVC title next month in the conference tournament.

2) How did that kid on Illinois get a wide-open layup with 0:00.7 left to give Illinois its upset win over Indiana? High school teams all over America will be running plays like that next week. Lousy defense by Indiana, as they forgot the most important thing-- protect the freakin' basket.

1) South Dakota State's Nate Wolters scored 53 points as the Jackrabbits came back from down 37-29 at the half to win 80-74 at IP-Fort Wayne. Kid was 9-14 from arc, 8-14 inside it, 10-11 from the line. Not a lot of defense in the Summit League these days.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/09/2013 09:10 AM

Saturday's List of 13: Random stuff on a beautiful night in Florida, not so in the northeast......

13) My question on the Felix Hernandez contract extension is this: Does he have a no-trade clause? Big question for me, because it speaks to Mariners’ commitment to winning. If he doesn’t have a no-trade, they can opt out and dump salary if things go sour. If he does have a no-trade, they’ll work harder to put a winning team around him.

12) Speaking of going sour, Bronx GM Brian Cashman has to pay his ex $1M a year thru the year 2025. What if he gets fired and he loses his $3M a year job? Do they go back to court and re-negotiate? The ex also got their $3.7M house in Connecticut. Cashman has a membership to Winged Foot; when exactly does he have the time to play golf?

11) Oregon Ducks were 7-0 in Pac-12 before freshman PG Artis hurt his foot; now they’ve lost three games in row without him. There is no timetable for his return, as stress-type injuries with feet can be dicey, as far as re-injuries go.

10) Chicago Blackhawks are only NHL team that hasn’t lost a game in regulation yet; you still get a point if you lose in OT/SO.

9) Arizona 2B Aaron Hill will be 31 in March; he had 26 homers LY, after being hampered by injuries in ’11—he just signed a three-year, $35M deal with the D’backs. Lot of money for a guy in his 30’s.

8) Condoleeza Rice drilled a spectator in the head during Pebble Beach pro-am golf tournament; drew a lot of blood, as head injuries tend to bleed a lot. People stand too close to these amateur golfers. If I was playing, safest place to stand would be right in front of me—I rarely hit the ball straight.

7) HGTV has a program called Cool Pools, about unique/creative swimming pools in people’s houses. Now that would be excellent, to go swimming in your own house.

6) Had to read this story twice, but Cal Tech recently broke a 228-game losing streak in baseball. How in the name of Don Zimmer do you lose 228 games in a row? Do they recruit? Do they have a coach? Do they use gloves? Why do they bother?

5) Rene Lachemann resurfaced as first base coach in Colorado; he was a coach in Oakland when Rockies skipper Walt Weiss played there. He’s managed in Seattle/Florida (Marlins’ first manager), a solid baseball guy.

4) If you have any doubt sports betting will be legalized soon, keep in mind that a total of $3.4B was wagered at Nevada sports books in 2012, up from $2.8B the year before- there’s just too much money involved in all this for it not to happen eventually.

3) In case you wondering, the ’62-’64 Mets lost 340 games, the most of any team in a 3-year span.

2) Notre Dame will play Big East basketball again next year; my guess is school refused to pay whatever exit fee the league wanted for the Irish to leave a year earlier than first anticipated. Why would the Big East want them for one extra year, if they don’t want to be there?

1) If you asked me to do one thing to shorten college basketball games (media types care more about this than fans) I’d suggest reducing how many time outs teams can call. Coaching are strangling the game anyway; let the kids use what they learn in practice on game day. Less timeouts=shorter games.

TV timeouts should provide enough teaching time during games.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/10/2013 09:56 AM

Sunday's six-pack

Some notes on Notre Dame's 104-101 win over Louisville, in five OT's

-- Louisville led 56-48 (56-48!!!!) with 0:50 left, then Jerian Grant went bonkers, scoring 12 points in 0:23 (12 points in 0:23!!!!) to tie the game.

-- Garrick Sherman scored 17 points in 22 minutes for Notre Dame; in his previous eight games, Sherman played a total of 29 minutes. He never got into this game until the first overtime, yet he scored 17 points.

-- How does Peyton Siva play 41 minutes and score two points?

-- Russ Smith was 13-16 on foul line, but 4-19 from floor, 0-6 from arc, and looked very untrustworthy to make a sound decision in crunch time.

-- 16 ties, 26 lead changes. Last five-OT game was Baylor-Texas A&M in College Station five years ago (Bears won 116-110).

-- One of the refs couldn't make it to South Bend because of weather, so ref John Gaffney was summoned from Milwaukee, where he worked DePaul-Marquette earlier in day. Gaffney reffed for 105 minutes Saturday.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/10/2013 09:58 AM

Sunday's List of 13: Wrapping up a college basketball Saturday....

13) Notre Dame 104, Louisville 101, in five OT's-- Will be hard to top this as the best game of the season. Was a lousy game for 39 minutes, then all hell broke loose.

12) Wisconsin 65, Michigan 62, OT-- Kid on Badgers stuck a 40-footer at the buzzer to force OT, when Wolverines had fouls to give but didn't foul. Hard to believe this wasn't the most exciting game of the day. It wasn't.

11) Tweet of the Day, from Oakland Grizzlies' coach Greg Kampe:

"Shhhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Jackwabbits."

You see, Kampe's team hosted South Dakota State's Jackrabbits Saturday, so in his best Elmer Fudd voice, Kampe sent his team on the floor and pulled the upset, 88-83. Oakland "held" Nate Wolters to 36 (he had 53 Thursday).

10) Illinois State 75, Creighton 72-- Top of the MVC is taking some lumps from middle of the league, which won't help come Selection Sunday.

9) Miami 87, North Carolina 61-- Not only did the Hurricanes crush the Tar Heels, they clowned them too, throwing alley-oops off the backboard for breakaway dunks. That will be remembered down the road in Chapel Hill.

8) UNLV 64, New Mexico 55-- Rebels desperately needed this win, and so did North Carolina, since Rebels are their best non-conference win. UNLV is still trying to find lineup combos that work; all of them would work better if they had a dynamic point guard on the squad. Not even close.

7) Memphis 89, Southern Miss 76-- Josh Pastner takes a lot of grief since he isn't named Calipari, but his Tigers are unbeaten in C-USA. This was a solid win over a Golden Eagle squad that pressures ball really well, and had not lost a conference home game.

6) Oklahoma 72, Kansas 66-- Jayhawks have lost three games in row for first time in eight years; listening to Bill Self after the game, he could accept losing to the Sooners, but was still annoyed about the TCU game. .

5) Texas gets PG Myck Kabongo back for its next game, but they're 10-13, 2-8 in conference play, doubtful he can help them enough to make NCAAs, unless they somehow won the conference tournament. Hopefully he'll do the right thing and play for Texas next year, to improve his NBA stock.

4) Temple 72, Dayton 71-- Dr Naismith spun around in his grave watching end of this game; in the last 0:03, there were three turnovers and 0-5 shooting from the foul line. In three freakin' seconds. There was also a decent amount of horrific officiating. Neither team deserved to win, and the refs didn't really deserve to get paid. Just ask Archie Miller.

3) Northeastern 79, Old Dominion 74, OT-- Monarchs were 2-20, they fired the coach, then they upset Drexel and took first place Huskies to OT, so I'm guessing there is an interesting story behind the firing.

2) Georgia 52, Texas A&M 46-- We generally root for bald coaches who wear glasses, so good to see Mark Fox win his fifth straight game, against an Aggie team playing on short rest after beating Missouri Thursday.

1) I mentioned this a couple weeks ago, it is still true; there is one thing preventing Miami from being ranked #1, not that it matters much- their uniforms aren't blue, and they don't say "DUKE" on the front. Next month there is a tournament, so the polls will be forgotten soon, thank God.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/11/2013 09:51 AM

Monday's List of 13: Wrapping up a sports weekend.....

13) Felix Hernandez' $135M contract extension is on hold because of concerns about King Felix' elbow, his right elbow, obviously.

Hernandez has been a workhorse in his career, with 1620.1 IP already; in fact, Elias Sports Bureau reports that since 1969, only three pitchers have thrown more innings before their 27th birthday, Bert Blyleven, Fernando Valenzuela and Dwight Gooden.

You throw an extra $135M at someone, you want to have a pretty good idea they're going to be around to earn it.

12) Celtics are 7-0 since Rajon Rondo got hurt, beating Denver in triple OT in a wild game, where Denver's bench shot just 17-49 (34.7%) from the floor. Interesting to see how the veteran-laden Celtics play in their next game.

11) Boston College took a financial hit, hosting Duke at same time Celtics were playing, and while train service in Boston was still shut down-- crowd wasn't very big. BC let one slip away, losing 62-61 to Duke squad that flew up to Boston Sunday morning, because of the blizzard.

10) There was another multi-OT game Sunday, as Illinois-Chicago won at Youngstown State in triple OT. Somehow, I doubt a replay of this game will make it to ESPN Classic; thats reserved for the BCS conferences.

9) Couple of big upsets Sunday, as Cal Bears won at Arizona, and Illinois backed up its upset of Indiana with a win at Minnesota. Selection committee is going to have its hands full next month, bracketing teams for the NCAAs.

8) Jacksonville State coach James Green was suspended for a game by the OVC after getting two technicals and being tossed from his team's game at Tennessee Tech this weekend. Green is doing a good job at Jacksonville; his team is 15-8 and much-improved- he used to be coach at Southern Miss.

7) Denver Nuggets are 33-19, one of the NBA's better teams, but they do not have an All-Star this season. They'll be well-rested coming out of the All-Star break next week.

6) San Antonio Spurs have nine foreign-born players on their roster, the most in NBA history.

5) Cleveland Indians signed Jason Giambi/Diasuke Matsuzaka this weekend; not really sure why. Guess Giambi will take Travis Hafner's place as the old, oft-injured DH. Tribe is hurting for pitching if they signed Dice-K.

4) Arizona Wildcats' football team went 8-5 this year, which earned coach Rich Rodriguez a $225,000 raise and a one-year contract extension. What will they give him if they ever make it to the Rose Bowl?

3) Houston Astros' owner Jim Crane tied for 3rd at the Pebble Beach pro-am golf tournament, teamed with pro Kevin Streelman. Crane played college baseball, so he's no stranger to competition.

2) Its good to be golfer Brandt Snedeker, who won $15M playing golf LY, and finished 2-2-1 in his last three tournaments this year; he jogged this week at Pebble Beach, and has jumped to #4 in World Rankings. .

1) Our condolences to St John's coach Steve Lavin on the passing of his dad, who died this weekend. During his seven years on ESPN, Lavin often referenced his father, who played at USF- they were obviously very close.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/11/2013 05:30 PM

In Woodbury They Love The Guv-nah
Spooky's Walking Dead update before exiting stage left.
Headed out of town until next week so here is the quick Walking Dead and other stupid stuff update if you have not yet watched last nights show.

*Rick has toned back on his insanity much to my dismay and wants to blitzkrieg Woodbury.

*Daryl and Merle are being asked to fight to the death in one of those classic Woodbury Zombie Lumberjack matches

*The Governor is now the crazy one as he has an eye patch, a fully dead zombie daughter, Andrea's sweet ass, and a burning hatred of Merle

*Tyreese is still trying to set up his prison boxing gym. He might be interested in Carol’s peach cobbler.

*Speaking of Carol: still worthless

*That blonde girl, Beth I think, keeps sizing up Deputy Dipshit’s loaded weapon

*Deputy Dipshit gonna SLAY THAT PUSS

*Maggie is still my angel and anyone who speaks ill of her will die by my hand

*Glenn is still an Asian and much more badass then he is given credit for

*Andrea is the most naïve and bananas person on the show; wears lovely thongs though which are very important in a zombie apocalypse

*Hershel is still a gimp

*LORI IS DEAD! Judith is the baby girl’s name and it is a terrible name.

*Michonne hates everyone but that kitana is just terrific

*Remember when Ghost Shane popped up a few episodes to spook Rick? The fuck was that all about. I WANT REAL SHANE!

That about covers everything as we wait for the second half to roll on. A few other quick things that I want to address to help stimulate our internet-rections as we head into the weekend:

*I hope that everyone is following that recruit from Florida who wants to go to Arkansas and play for their chubtard coach (LOLWHY?) but his likely obese mother won’t have any part of that. She wants him to stay closer to home and attend The U because she wants to watch him play more. Mama was very mature in her objection by taking the LOI and hiding it. I don't know why the NCAA needs a parent's permission for an 18 year old kid to make a choice but apparently they do. It sounds like the kid's dad signed the form for him to go to Let Him Live U but the mom just hired Johnnie Cochran's firm to stop it. THIS IS NUTS. This woman is the worst person ever.

*Jay Cutler “proposed” to K-Cav via text and by mailing her an engagement ring. This might be the most Cutler thing ever. The man is a hopeless roman-cat.

*Titus Young SENIOR, after getting released by the Lions for being an asshole, told his high school football coach that he is better than Megatron. The coach pretty much just laughed at his stupid face. Good luck with this guy, Rams. Hope he gets herpes of the asshole.

*Can ESPN please stop talking about the Lakers? They are morphing into Team Tenor with the amount of pointless coverage they get after EVERY game. If they won, ten analysts have to come on and discuss their playoff odds. If they lost, twenty analysts come on and discuss their playoff odds. STOP.

That will do it for this week until I get back from the trip to get all you fuckers better bonuses and more contests. If you have any predictions for Season 3 fire them off and I will make sure Bobalou responds. Even if she is not one of the faithful watching the show. My pick to click: there is no way that Merle makes it to season 4. Out.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/12/2013 09:37 AM

Tuesday's six-pack

Six people who have zero chance of becoming the next Pope……….

-- Bill Murray—Can you see him playing pro-am at Pebble Beach with that big, pointy Pope’s hat on?

– Stan Van Gundy—Dwight Howard would complain to all the bishops, cardinals, and Stan would be gone within six months, then Howard would convert to another religion.

– Jerry Sandusky—Fill in your own wise-ass comment here.

-- Tim Tebow—Is devout enough, but Pope has to pass along his blessings to church’s followers. Everyone knows Tebow can’t pass.

– Charlie Sheen—No doubt he would make being Pope a lot more fun than it usually is.

-- Sean Payton—Would have to take pay cut from being head of the Saints to head of the church.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/12/2013 09:39 AM

Tuesday's List of 13: Nobody asked me, but......

13) How can anyone in college basketball poll vote for Duke over Miami? Miami beat Duke by 27, they haven’t lost a game when they’ve been 100% healthy, and Duke is still missing Kelly, one of its key guys, and the Curry kid never practices, they tell us, because he is so banged up. It does not really matter, but voting Duke over Miami, right now, is simply wrong.

12) Brandt Snedeker earned just under $18M in purse money in the last 14 months, so he doesn’t need the money, so when one of these equipment companies throws a boatload of cash at him next fall, will he switch equipment like Rory McIlroy did?

Shouldn’t he stay with the sticks he’s winning with?

11) Classic sandwich situation for the Heat Tuesday night, when they host a Portland team that beat them 92-90 in Oregon last month.

Heat just played Lakers on national TV Sunday; they play Thunder on national TV Thursday, in last game before All-Star break. Curious to see if they cover the big number away from the spotlight tonight.

10) Adidas is coming out with sleeved basketball uniforms; Golden State will wear them in a couple of weeks. last college team to wear sleeved uniforms was Evansville; think New Mexico State had them at one point, too.

9) Kansas awoke from its three-game skid and blasted K-State 83-62, as McLemore scored 30 points on his 20th birthday.

8) Michael Vick signed on for one year with the Eagles; he can earn as much as $10M if things go well. Will be an interesting study, how he, Chip Kelly bond as QB/coach. Vick can be an unrestricted free agent next winter.

7) Washington Wizards were 5-28 before John Wall suited up this season; they're 10-7 since he came back. Wiz won by 12 in Milwaukee Monday.

6) New Orleans Hornets are 19-9 vs spread when getting points on road, only 5-9-1 when getting them at home.

5) Celtics beat the Clippers/Lakers/Nuggets, then lose to Charlotte. Makes perfect sense. Boston lost another guard (Barbosa) to a knee injury.

4) Good Lord, Mets got outbid by the Indians for Michael Bourn; state of New York should let the Wilpons build that casino next to Citi Field on one stipulation, that they sell the Mets.

I've said this before and it still holds: the longest eight miles in sports is the eight miles between the baseball stadiums in Bronx and Queens.

3) Carmelo Anthony is a tremendous scorer, he’s always going to get his points, but if I’m a GM trying to build a championship team, I’d have to say no thanks. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m just not a big fan of his. Too much whining, not enough passing or making teammates better.

2) Put it this way, the Nuggets traded Anthony to the Knicks but they’ve got a better team, despite having zero All-Stars. They have a t-e-a-m.

1) Do you think its fun being Pope? I mean, Pitt Panthers have had four football coaches in five years, but before this week, no one had quit being Pope in over 700 years!!! Job has to have some serious perks, although the working Sundays thing would be a deal-breaker for me.

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spooky Posts:4350 Followers:301
02/12/2013 09:47 AM

Let's Get Fat! Fat Tuesdays with Spooky...

Hey everyone!! It's Fat Tuesday!!! In honor of today's celebration of fatness, I decided to make a list of the best "Fat" sports athletes of all time. Or at least the ones that I have always liked...or liked to make fun of. There really is no criteria except you have to be a chubby fat ass and must have played sports professionally at one point. Rules me out I guess.

Honorable mentions:

Matt "Fat" Stafford - We've all seen the pictures of him at the beach with his shirt on. That's right Matt...the ladies can't see your tit jelly when you're hiding it with a gray trash bag made out of t-shirt material. Keep it on so the whales don't get horny and beach themselves. I can't wait until Stafford retires and looks like this one year later:

"Fat" Albert Haynesworth - My favorite part of Big Al's career is when shit for brains, lardo Mike Golic out fitness tested his lazy, black ass on live TV. Lazy, black ass...sorry for the oxymoron there, you guys. My second favorite part of his career is when a picture of Haynesworth surfaces in the next 10 years of him at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating competition finishing 5th.

Now for the fatties that hold a special place in my grease clogged heart.

Charles Barkley - I love Chuck. I love that Chuck is a gambling addicted alcoholic that can still hold down a respectable job. I love that no one has the balls to fire him when obscene and offensive shit oozes out of his mouth. Anyone that maintain fat pig status and can be such a monster on the boards is aces in my book. Plus he did what I would have done later in my NBA career. Pack on 30 el bees and become a 3 point shooting specialist.

JaMarcus Russell - The only reason he's on this list is because of this:


I'll never be able to explain why this picture makes me LOL my fucking balls off. But it does and always will. And I will never forget that, JaMarcus. Good luck with your NFL comeback. I hope it's just as hilarious as your first run.

Oliver Miller - Word to the wise. When you name your kid Oliver, he is destined to be a fat shit. It just sounds like a fat guy's name. After being signed and released by just about every fucking team in every fucking league imaginable, Miller was arrested and put in jail for a year. But not before being cut by the Harlem Globetrotters. Now that's rock fucking bottom, men. Being cut by a fake basketball team. Why was he put in jail you ask? Ready for this? He pistol whipped a man at a barbeque. When I think about how that went down, I want to believe this mystery guy snatched the last rack of ribs. Or maybe was about to throw the pig head away after Oliver specifically asked to take it home with him. Either way...such a fitting away for Big O to get locked up. Never fuck with a fat, black man's BBQ!

David Wells - Fuck yes. The man we all aspire to be. Known for showing up to games half in the bag, this crazy fuck was not only an obese turd but knew it and didn't give a shit. As long as you can throw triple digit smoked gouda I guess you can do whatever you please. Include being high as fucking balls when wheezing your tits out to the mound. I like to believe the Kenny Powers character is a direct reflection of David Wells real life.

John Daly - Normally golfers are a bunch of pussy bitches and don't deserve being talked about unless they're black and sport fucking TONS of white snatch. But Daly is a God damn legend and is one of those guys I would love to party with. Whether it be sexually harassing flight attendants or passing out outside of a Hooters, the possibilities of what would happen that night are endless. Someone needs to get Daly back on the sauce so I can live out this dream.



Jared Lorenzen - Only because he gave fat kids nationwide hope they could play quarterback some day no matter how many bags of Doritos they ate.

Shawn Kemp - How does one exactly go from this:


To this:


Wowzers. I would say a good start is to eat nothing but pig lard sandwiches and deep fried fucking EVERYTHING every single day of your life. Deep fried vegetables are good for you, right? I bet Kemp could still dunk as long as there was a 12 pack of Big Macs hanging out on the back of the rim.

Well there ya go, fat fucks! Obviously I had nothing to write about today! If nothing else, this post shows proof that you can still matter even when you're morbidly obese.

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