You are using an old web browser. Such browsers do not support modern web technologies and do not offer proper security. Please update your browser or download one of the others suggested for free.
Mozilla Firefox |
Google Chrome |
Internet Explorer |
13) Seven NFL teams this week have had turnover ratios of -2 or worse; not only have all seven lost, they lost by an average score of 38-11. Five of those seven teams also wound up with field position deficits of 10+ yards. You cannot win for long in the NFL playing on a longer field.than the other guys are. Especially if you're not as good as the other guys.
12) Arizona broke its 9-game losing streak by beating the hideous Lions 38-10; on the Cardinals' five TDs, they contributed a total of 37 yards--two TDs were scored by the defense-- offense scored on drives of 3-5-29 yards. Arizona had a 23-yard edge in field position, in addition to the TDs scored by their defense. Another abysmal performance by Detroit. I am embarrassed.
11) Packers led 21-10 in Chicago with 8:00 left, the Bears are punting, the game is basically over, but Green Bay inexplicably tried a cross-field lateral on the punt return, which was predictably fumbled and Chicago recovered, giving them a chance to move within 21-13. A ridiculously stupid play.
Seriously, this was the worst tactical blunder I've seen since Sam Wyche had the Bengals take a knee on a 4th-down play in a 1987 game aganst the 49ers, giving Joe Montana one more play, on which he threw the winning TD pass. Only thing to save Wyche from being fired that day was the league going on strike the next day. They should've fired him anyway.
10) Chicago is 7-6 after being 6-1, giving them a chance to be second team in the Wild Card era ('96 Redskins) to miss the playoffs after being 7-1. If you like to read body language, Jay Cutler's would have a lot of bleeps in it.
9) Giants are 4th NFL team ever to score 50+ points one week, get shut out the next week; '05 Redskins were last team to do that.
8) Saints gave up those 52 points in Swamp Stadium last week, so of course they shut the Buccaneers out today. Makes perfect sense. Kind of.
7) The Rams got pasted by Minnesota; two worst games the Rams played this year were the only two games they were favored to win. Still lot of progress this year, but this was a deflating performance.
6) A sub-par crowd of 40,770 in Toronto watched Seahawks crush Buffalo 50-17; I am told Seattle ran a fake punt while leading 47-17-- whats the point of doing that, and whats the point of having a game in Toronto, if they don't sell the game out? Seattle-San Francisco next week will be interesting.
5) Buffalo's Stevie Johnson made maybe the best catch I've ever seen early in third quarter of Seahawks-Bills game- tremendous grab of a high ball behind him with just his right hand. And it earned a 1st down on 3rd-and-long. Too bad Johnson doesn't play defense; the Bills got hammered in this game.
4) Before CJ Spiller scored with 0:34 left in first quarter, Seattle had scored 78 unanswered points over three games; that was the Seahawks' last away game of the regular season. Wonder if (former NC State coach) Tom O'Brien roots for the Seahawks? I'm guessing not.
3) What genius came up with the NFL rule, "If QB is hit while throwing the ball, it doesn't matter what direction the ball goes in, it is incomplete (assuming it is not caught)"?
If the ball is thrown backwards, why shouldn't it be a lateral, and therefore a free ball? Why overcomplicate something that should be simple?
2) I'm thinking penalties are the least-telling statistic in football; Steelers didn't have a penalty accepted in Dallas Sunday. Cowboys had eight accepted for 61 yards. There is almost no correlation between penalties and winning.
1) Bad news for the Chiefs: They didn't have a first down in the first 36:00 of their 15-0 loss at Oakland, and gained a total of only 119 yards.
Good news for the Chiefs: Their nightmare of a season ends in two weeks.
While I am still basking in the glory of my superior bowl picks, I am still humbled by the horrendous season the Lions have had. Here goes the crap of the weekend.
Brandon Weeden - Boy does he suck dick.
All that doubt the Redskins - OK, that was a legit win yesterday. Backup QB? No big deal. The offense was still unstoppable. And would you look at that...they are winning the East. Normal people would probably agree that the Redskins are a good team that is insanely hot right now.
Eli Manning, Josh Freeman, and Rainbow Tenor - I feel like seeing three shutouts in one day is more rare than Bob Costas going a week without having his starfish split open. Just what Finance said earlier this morning. Very rare.
Brandon Marshall - LOL way to cry in your presser! The Bears are going to miss the playoffs.
Everyone but Adrian Peterson - I sat next to a black guy in a Lee Suggs jersey yesterday and he was cool as hell but he was creepily interested in AD's chase of Eric Dickerson. Peterson is so sick.
Johnny BRAH - So I guess Cam Cameron wasn't the problem then? Put that on your resume.
Fatty McChins - LOLOLOLOLOLIONS! WHAT A SACK OF SHIT! YOU GOT MURDERED BY BEANIE WELLS AND HIS TERRIBLE TEAMMATES! THE LIONS ARE A BIGGER JOKE THAN KENTUCKY BASKETBALL AND DETROIT TIGERS BASEBALL COMBINED!
We've nearly reached the end of this year's fantasy football season. Depending who you are you're either relieved that it's over or upset that you can't kick the shit out of people anymore. The surprise winners and total letdown losers of the fantasy football season.
RG3 - He plays football as well as he plays with hairy balls and boner skin. It surprises me that a guy who loves the warm embrace of a muscular man would have so many yards rushing this year. You would think he would WANT to get tackled. Maybe he just bottles up all that sexual frustration to be released on team mates in the showers post game action. I remember laughing at a fantasy mag I looked at around June ranking RG3 as the 8th best fantasy QB. Joke was on me in the end.
Alfred Morris - Sticking with the Pigskins theme here. Mike Shanahan stopped being a complete fuck face for one year and decided to stick with one guy in the backfield. FINALLY! Those who actually had the sack skin to buy into Shanahan's endorsement of Morris were paid off handsomely. I just can't wait until everyone drafts Big Al in the 2nd round next year only to watch him split carries with some chatch the Pigskins drafted in the 7th round out of Wofford College. GO TERRIERS!!
Reginald Wayne - Now that he's the elder statesman of this team, I will refer to him as Reginald. Because that's an old fart's name. I gotta hand it to ol' gray bush Reginald. The critics thought he was done when Fetus Head AIDS necked his way over to Denver. But instead, Reginald put his big black dick right in the fountain of youth and helped re-energize a team that needed a guy like him to lead it. I've always like Reg and what he did this year makes me like him even more.
Andy Dalton - Sir Gingerness found a way to sneak his way into the top 10 in QB scoring this year. His on the field sexual attraction to A.J. Green is something you should pay attention to moving forward. I wouldn't be shocked at all to see Redhead Dawn crack the top 5 in the next 2 years now that Marvin Lewis knows that running the ball is stupid when you have terrible running backs.
Stevan Ridley - The first rule of fantasy football. Never draft a Pigskins running back. Second rule of fantasy football. Never draft a Patriots running back. Pretty fucking lovely how TWO sacred rules of fantasy football were shoved firmly up our asses this year. Well laa-dee-fuckin-daa! The Pats haven't had an RB ranked in the top 10 at that position since Corey Dillon, if I remember correctly. (And I do.) Tread lightly moving forward, but the days of Danny Woodhead doing his best Mike Alstott impression may be over...even though having a 168 lb. goal line back is super duper smart! GRITTY!!
Randall Cobb - It's pretty crazy what Mike McCarthy is capable of when he stops smelling his own farts and pays attention to personnel. Cobb has always been a speedy play maker and can make people miss in space. Those of you who stuck with him after the first start where he laid an egg bomb were given a king's ransom. Moving forward, it sounds like he's going to be the Packers' version of Percy Harvin...minus the dripping wet, diseased vagina skin that his body is apparently made out of. Another thing Cobb did this year was make Greg Jennings expendable. Buh-Bye!
Total Letdown Losers
Eli Manning - HEY! Eli is worse than getting pie faced with skid marked undies peeled off the bottom of a dumpster at an abortion factory. (Those exist, right?) He was solely responsible for multiple disastrous fantasy finishes this year. Eat sour dicks for eternity.
Darren McFadden - I'll try to keep this short because I could go on all fucking day about this titanic pussy. All we heard all off season was how McFadden was "in the best shape of his life" has "never been healthier" and will have a "break out season" with the new "zone blocking scheme". Well that sure fucking worked, now didn't it? Not only did McPussyfarts get hurt AGAIN, but before the injury bitched about how the zone blocking scheme was flawed and that's why he wasn't producing. Care to explain how Marcel Reese, a fat motherfucking fullback, was able to average almost 5 YPC the 4 weeks you sat nursing your gash? I have an explanation. FUCK YOU!
Greg Jennings - Here's how you handle a contract year. Film a bunch of Old Spice commercials that are weird as fucking hell then get injured and sit out 3/4ths of the year. Jennings was most likely a 2nd to 3rd round pick in most drafts this year and I'm willing to bet that most of those teams missed the playoffs. Have fun playing for the Dolphins next year since Miami is the only team tardo enough to give an aging WR the money he wants.
Jay Catler - Here's something I'm glad I didn't listen to in the preseason: Catler being a sleeper pick after being reunited with Brandon Marshall. Here's my own personal rule. Never trust a whiny, sourpuss QB who thinks he can throw a football through a key hole under ANY circumstances. Catler may win some games for the Bears, may make them a better team and may be a decent real life QB but he is an absolutely fucking awful fantasy QB. And he always will be because he's Brett Favre minus the cock shots to women half his age.
Ryan Mathews - Speaking of bloody tampons. This crusty snatch just broke his OTHER collar bone last week capping off an impressively horrific fantasy season. He was a unanimous first 3 round draft pick that produced like a 10th round pick. To top it all off, Crater Face Norv even benched him for a couple weeks during the year for a journeyman and a guy with worse knees than Ric Flair. Why? Because Mathews' tiny carnie hands can't hold onto the fucking ball. So let's cover this again briefly. Massive pussy who can't stay on the field but when he does fumbles everything. I'll pass forever. Thanks.
Larry Fitzgerald - It pains me to put Lawrence on this list because his shitty season is by no fault of his own. What did you expect when he has a 3rd string QB that will probably be driving a garbage truck in 3 years lobbing him moon balls or zipping ankle breakers all day? I really feel bad for Fitz because he just keeps his mouth shut and goes to work every day. A lesser man (me) would have definitely had a public outburst by now. Or at least upper cutted someone in upper management's ball sack. Moving forward it's probably a good idea to avoid Larry until they get a real quarterback.
There you go, dick lickers. The one day out of the year you can piss and moan about fantasy bad beats and actually have people pretend that they care. Only because they want you to listen to them cry when you're done. Let the bitching begin!
Wednesday's Dirty Dozen: Doing some thinking out loud.......
12) If you want to bet the Super Bowl without knowing who is going to be in it, the line is AFC -2, with a total of 50.5.
11) Ricky Rubio hasn't been cleared to play in back-to-back games, so he sat out last night's game at Miami. Too bad, he's great fun to watch- if you're old enough to remember Ernie DiGregorio playing for Providence and then the Buffalo Braves, you'll see a lot of Ernie D in Rubio. Flashy passer.
10) Imagine Roger Goodell's blood pressure when he saw Josh Brent on the Dallas sideline for Sunday's game, despite Brent facing charges for drunk driving/homicide in the accident that killed friend/teammate Jerry Brown.
In this day and age, bad PR is a commissioner's nightmare, and nothing says bad PR more than an accused felon on national TV, standing on the sidelines during an NFL game. Therefore, Mr Brent won't be on the sidelines anymore.
9) The sportsbook at the Palms in Las Vegas is tremendous from what I hear; the TV screens are clear/bright, they grab your attention. They have the in-game wagering, and comfortable chairs.
The food court also has the Earl of Sandwich, a tremendous sandwich shop open 24 hours a day, one of my favorites from staying at Planet Hollywood. The Earl's Club is an exceptional sandwich.
8) Palms doesn't take bets on Celtics or Kings games, due to common ownership of the casino and the teams.
7) RGIII's #10 jersey is selling at a record rate, breaking Brett Favre's old record when he played for the Jets and Vikings. Players with new teams are obviously going to sell more jerseys, but keep in mind Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck are both on new teams this year, too.
6) Jets are starting Greg McElroy this week against Chargers; this spells out how much Rex Ryan must dislike Tim Tebow as a player.
5) I'm beating a dead horse here, but seven MAC teams in bowls, while Louisiana Tech stayed home, is just ridiculous. Tech already lost its coach, as Sonny Dykes bolted for the Cal Bears' job. Waste of a terrific year.
4) Stephen F Austin beat Oklahoma in Norman Tuesday night, thats a big upset for the Lumberjacks of the Southland Conference, and a bad loss for Lon Kruger and the Sooners.
3) AL West champ Oakland A's (I love typing that!!!) signed up a new SS Tuesday, 30-year old Hiroyuki Nakajima, who turned down Bronx last year because they wanted him to change positions. Thanks Derek Jeter for being so selfish that your team lost a good player because of it.
2) Utah State football coach Gary Andersen is now frontrunner for the Wisconsin job; his Aggies came to Madison and damn near beat Wisconsin in September. Football mid-majors have a real problem keeping coaches who win games-- the big boys just come in with bags of cash and poach them.
1) Lakers survived a missed Charlotte layup in last 0:05, nipped skidding Bobcats 101-100; LA is 7-9 since Mike D'Antoni took over as coach. He was 5-11 in his first 16 games with Denver, 4-12 with Phoenix and 8-8 with the Knicks.
11) Cleveland Browns fans are unhappy that they lost to Washington and the Redskins' rookie backup QB played better than Browns' #1 draft pick, seeing as Brandon Weeden is a 28 year old rookie. Its tough when your team loses year after year, frustration builds, but the Browns have played better the last few weeks. Curious to see if the new owner changes coaches.
10) Arizona Cardinals' turnover ratios the last five games: +5 -3 +3 -7 +3. It is unfathomable that they went +5/+3 in games two weeks apart and didn't win either game.
9) Packers won eight of their last nine games, but trailed four of last five at the half; they make good adjustments and play with confidence, but what was that throwback play on the punt with 8:00 left in Chicago?
8) Eagles led at halftime in their last four games, but fade in second half; in their last six games, they've been outscored 131-55 in second half-- thats an average of 21.8 ppg they've given up, just in the second half!!!!
7) AFC teams went 4-0 vs NFC teams in Week 13, but in last two weeks, they were 1-9 against the NFC.
6) Pete Carroll gave a half-hearted apology for the fake punt when Seattle led 47-17 against the Bills Sunday; something tells me he doesn't mind being the villain, plus it gives the 49ers one more thing to prepare for this week.
5) Mike Napoli took his Red Sox physical over a week ago, but still hasn't officially signed with Boston; if that deal were to fall through, would the Red Sox look at signing Nick Swisher to play first base?
4) All you need to know about conference realignment in college sports is that the Notre Dame AD doesn't know which league the Irish will play in next season. ACC or Big East? Its less than a year away, and he has no idea. At some point, all this has to settle down, right?
3) Pretty cool video of Gonzaga players making trick shots in their empty gym; check it out on Youtube. One kid throws a ball over the backboard from the bleachers behind the basket, hits a trampoline in the 3-second lane, and has the ball go in. Good stuff.
2) Toronto Blue Jays figure to be a fashionable choice to win the AL East next summer; their rotation: Romero-Dickey-Johnson-Morrow-Buehrle. If they stay healthy, Toronto should be pretty good.
1) No pro sports team is run worse than the Jets; their 2012 has been a complete debacle; they need a new front office. I think Rex Ryan is still good enough a coach to win, but the offense is dysfunctional. Mark Sanchez needs a change of scenery, but his contract is untradeable-- Tebow needs to go. Not a good situation-- the game on Monday was just an abysmal performance.
-- Game of Night: UTEP 91, Oregon 84 in three OTs. Ducks are only team to beat UNLV, but they lost in El Paso two nights after UNLV won there by a hoop. Miners were 30-41 on foul line, Oregon 14-27.
-- Louisville 79, FIU 55; Rick Pitino beats his son by 24, but didn't cover the 27-point spread. I'm sure FIU got a hefty check to come to Louisville and lose, as dad helps his son get his program started.
-- Coastal Carolina 69, Clemson 46--This is why big-time name schools o not go on the road much in December. Ugly loss for the Tigers.
-- Green Bay 49, Marquette 47-- Exhibit #2 for not going on road.
--Here is your Quote of the Day:
"The Catholic schools did a really good thing. They stayed at the table for as long as it took them to make as much money as they could. And once they saw all the money running out, they decided to go play somewhere else," he told the newspaper. "Had some of them managed to vote appropriately over the last 10 years, we wouldn't be in the situation we are now."
UConn women's hoop coach Geno Auriemma
-- Canisius plays UNLV Saturday; they beat Temple by 10 last night, a huge win for new coach Jim Baron, who is a very good coach.