The Worst of Wild Card Weekend
It's about fucking time! The worst people in the history of sports (Gary Bettman, Don Fehr, and Gary Bettman again) have finally ended their smallest penis contest and ended the NHL lockout. Whether you like hockey or not means very little to me. The fact remains that an event that encourages overpriced binge drinking and shitty results is back! Let's get to the pro action from the weekend:
Prime - Your insight on Chip Kelly is SHIT. He made you look like an ASSHOLE. With Buffalo hiring Syracuse's coach (LOLZ!), Chipper is down to Philly and Cleveland--definitely not going back to Eugene. Both are loser franchises with loser fans so it just remains to be seen if he picks the NFC version of the Browns or the AFC version of the Eagles or really goes back to Eugene.
Matt Schaub - Sweet touchdown pass to Leon Hall, BRAH! This guy sucks. Houston loses that game 9 times out of 10 for settling for four field goals. You just can't do that in the playoffs. Fortunately for them, the Bengals are awful.
Jay Gruden - I have no idea how or why this guy is getting looks for a head coaching gig. His play-calling was MUNG yesterday. How about you try another screen pass for -5 yards, jerk. You see AJ Green over there? He's the only playmaker that you have. Why don't you just ignore him for the entire first half? s.
Pacman Jones - He should have been returning punts in the FOURF quarter. Had he been out there, you know he would have been making touchdowns rain.
Andy Dalton - This guy is a loser. I like him, but he sucks. The Texans were practically begging for an upset. Great job not getting A.J. Green involved until the second half. Andy Dalton is awful. Way to miss an open receiver on 3rd down then check down on a 4th and 11 with the game on the line. It’s nice to have two Joe Flaccos in the AFC North.
Christian Ponder - I didn't even know that he was hurt until I saw the scroll that he was out with the dreaded BRUISED TRICEP. That is the kind of injury that has killed many men in the past. What a pussy. By the way, who picked All Day to have less than 100 yards (he had 99)?
Joe Webb - The line for this game was -7.5 at 6 pm. At 7:30, once Ponder was ruled out and the public was aware, it moved to GB -10.5. Joe Webb's mere presence moved that line a full 3 points in about an hour. That is unbelievable. The only other reason I could think of for a line moving that much that quickly was if the Vikings were replaced with the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles and even then it might be a stretch. Joe Webb is a full field goal worse than one of the worst starting QB in the league. That pretty much means that Joe Webb is the worst player in the entire NFL.
Tyrann Mathieu - OMG LOL! I hope that you all caught the Honey Badger's tearful apology on ESPN yesterday. It was the greatest. He was crying about his crippling addiction to weed which is apparently a lie that he's sticking with. I couldn't stop laughing at this shithead. Terrific stuff.
Gamesmanship! - The Colts have rode the mantra of Chuckstrong all year. The Ravens tried to get some mojo with Ray Ray's "last ride". On Sunday, the Colts fired back by injecting Bruce Arians with AIDS. I like where this is heading.
The Colts, I guess - I don't really have anything bad to say about them since everyone knew that they were frauds going into the game. Get ready to hate them though because they're about to be awesome again for the next decade.
Mike Shanahan vs. Dr. James Andrews - I give absolutely no fucks about this story that broke yesterday. All coaches are egotistical assholes. This is not breaking news. To quote Jay Catler, "DOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE".
Dan Snyder - HEY SHIT WEASEL, GET RID OF THE GRASS. That was more embarrassing than the Redskins passing game from quarters 2 through 4.
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