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SPOOKY RAGING AGAINST EVERYTHING WEEKLY COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPRESS
Tuesday's List of 13: Nobody asked me, but.........
13) In their last three games, Patriots have been outscored 34-6 in the 4th quarter; in the handicapping business, this is known as a red flag.
12) New Mexico Lobos are the first college football team in six years to play at Hawai’i, then play another road game the next Saturday. In handicapping business, this is called bad scheduling.
Lobos lost Saturday to an Air Force team they’re better than. Pick-6 on a swing pass, followed by the QB getting a concussion didn’t help any. That said, Bob Davie is doing good work in Albuquerque.
11) Dwight Howard is wearing #12 for the Lakers; 40 years ago, a backup guard also wore #12 for the Lakers. Wasn’t much of an NBA player, but he turned into a pretty good coach. Guy named Pat Riley.
10) Speaking of Dwight Howard, Orlando fans must really, really hate the Lakers. First Shaq leaves central Florida for LA, now Howard. If LA is going to pillage the Magic’s roster, shouldn’t they have to take JJ Redick and Ish Smith too? It only seems fair.
9) Brandon Roy is trying a comeback with Timberwolves, after having previously retired due to chronic knee problems. So far this fall, he is averaging 11.4 ppg in 21.2 mpg. Before Kevin Love broke his hand doing pushups, the T-wolves were a popular darkhorse pick in the west.
8) Steelers trailed 14-6 Sunday night, scored a TD, went for two to tie the game; in the second quarter. Decision was neither right/wrong (they got the two points) but it was most definitely unusual. Very few coaches go for two there. I’m thinking after a long drive, why not? Defense has to be tired. Teams with QBs who can run should go for two lot more than they do.
7) 20% of A’s 40-man roster (8 guys) is players who came to Oakland directly from the Diamondbacks. Oakland took Chris Young off the Snakes’ hands because Arizona wanted to clear a spot in the lineup for young CF Adam Eaton. Oakland has some more trades in them this winter.
6) So Peyton Manning is watching film on Bucs gaining 513 yards against the Saints’ defense and he’s got to be laughing out loud, yes LOL.
New Orleans is in the Mile High City Sunday night; the NFL finally wised up that they don’t have to back down from the World Series (Game 4), ratings-wise. This should be a fun game.
5) Was watching an Orlando Magic preseason game, and they showed clips from the Magic’s charity golf tournament; turns out that Johnny Damon bats lefty, but golfs righty. Go figure.
4) There is an actual TV program on the SyFy channel called “Drag Me to Hell”. Who watches this?
3) Used to be that fielding punts inside the 10-yard line was a no-no, but lot fewer balls bounce into the end zone on FieldTurf than they did on the old, bouncier Astroturf, plus punters are more adept at killing balls, almost putting backspin on them, so its really the 6 or 7-yard line that’s the stopping point for intelligently fielding a punt.
Seeing too many guys fair-catching balls at the 4 or 5-yard line; at that point, its worth the risk to let the ball bounce, maybe pick up 15 yards of field position.
2) NBA apparently has veto rights over who appears on ESPN’s NBA pre/post-game shows. So when you hear that funnyman writer Bill Simmons is OK to be on the show, but former coach Stan Van Gundy isn’t, that tells you a lot of what you need to know about both the NBA and ESPN. In other words, no way will the show be watchable.
1) Hey, wasn’t that a great debate tonight— OK, I didn’t watch it either. Game 7 of the NLCS, Lions/Bears. Might watch a replay of the debate after this gets posted, but have to admit, I’d watch pro wrestling before I watched the debate live, and I stopped watching the WWE, well really I never watched the WWE either.
The good, the bad and the ugly of College Football Week 8
Michigan - Finally! The Mike Hart curse has come to a close. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't impressive. But it's exactly what that team needed and now they're in the driver's seat for a Rose Bowl. And that's what the goal is for a team littered with DickRod recruits, right? I'll answer for you. Right.
Florida -STEAM ROLLER!! Two things I learned on Saturday. First, it's always good when the Fag Ball Coach loses...but it's so much better when he gets his fuckin tits lit up on national television. And two...I really fucking hate Will Muschamp for reasons I can't even piece together. It's just one of those faces you look at and you start boiling over with rage. Maybe it's because he looks like a sweaty meatball. Or maybe it's because he's probably the guy who empties the hot sauce counter into a plastic bag at Taco Bell so he doesn't have to spend the dollar fifty to buy his own. One thing is for sure...he took a step in the right direction in repairing this relationship by humiliating the Cocks Saturday. Oh...and I think Florida wins it all this year.
Toledo - I'll give a little MAC love here and there when it's deserved. Sure, it was Cincinnati and the BearCats are like a drunken hand job when it comes to Ohio football.
Notre Dame - There's no way in Hairyanusville this team finishes undefeated. The "number 5 team in the country" should not be limping their way through a schedule that's weaker than Damman's will power when he sees a land beast slurping away at jager bombs from across the bar. I'm still trying to figure out how God let the BYU Mormons lose to a bunch of Catholics that rape and murder when they aren't playing hilariously bad football. Brian Kelly made a deal with the devil while stroking his rabbit foot Prince Albert.
Auburn - Does anyone know how bad this team really is? I don't think we have really taken time to appreciate their dedication to shittiness this year. I just can't wrap my skull around winning a national title, what? Two years ago? Then being a sweaty turd nugget with impressive performances like losing to Aaron Rodgers pube-less limp dicked brother who is only note worthy because of how sweet his older brother is. Seriously...Jordan Rodgers is going to be awful. The only people that don't think that are obese Packers fans and Jay Cutler. Just kidding! Jay Cutler thinks everyone is terrible!
Fuckeye Fans - Just another day of Braxton Miller showcasing that ELITE arm, eh fellas? Are we there yet guys? Or are we at least close enough to admit there's maybe a chance you guys may have slightly overestimated Miller's passing ability? Nahhhh. Probably not since you guys usually go down with the ship on every dumb fuck comment that's ever been made. But hey! Keep letting that diarrhea ooze from your tard holes from week to week. It gives me material every Tuesday. PS...ELITE crying on national TV, Braxton Miller. Looks like Tate Forcier is more of a man than you'll ever be.
Geno Smiff - Hurry! Jump off the Geno Smiff bandwagon before it's too late! The driver is shit housed and speeding towards a nursery! The destruction will be crippling!! Wow did this guy fool just about everyone in the country. That horrific noise you hear is Smiff's draft stock dropping to the 4th round...where the Browns will draft him and for no reason name him the week 1 starter next year.
Georgia's ability to cover against an AWFUL team - How many people bet Junior's college fund on this game assuming Georgia was going to explode into every hillbilly orifice Kentucky had open? What was the spread? 28? Florida is going to fucking murder this team. Georgia could get beat by a thousand. Maybe a thousand and ninety.
Sunday's List of 13 and a big Thank You to Jimmy the Greek: Wrapping up a college football Saturday.......
13) I'm old enough to remember how helpless Kansas State's football team was before Bill Snyder came to Manhattan; the coaching job he's done with the Wildcats ranks up there with any in the history of the game. K-State went to Morgantown and crushed West Virginia 55-14. Could the national championship trophy be coming to the Little Apple?
12) Well, they'd have to beat Alabama to win the national title, and it does not look too likely that the Crimson Tide is losing anytime soon. Alabama went to Knoxville and methodically drubbed the Vols 44-13. All of this because Nick Saban chose Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees when he was coaching the Dolphins. Otherwise, he'd still be in Miami.
11) Congrats to the Duke Blue Devils, who scored a TD with 0:13 left to not only beat rival North Carolina, but to become bowl eligible for first time since 1993. Tar Heels lost in Durham for first time since 1988.
10) Baylor's defensive coordinator better start looking for a new job; Bears lost 56-50 to Texas, have now lost games this year when they scored 63 and 50 points. Either that, or allocate more recruiting assets to defense.
9) Unbeaten Rutgers was down 10-0 at half at Temple, but did what good teams do; they spanked the Owls in second half, and won 35-10. Knights and Louisville are a pair of unbeatens in the Big East.
8) Louisiana Tech is really good; they had a 56-21 lead at halftime of a 70-28 demolition of an overmatched Idaho squad. If Tech scored 57 points on Texas A&M last week, you know they're torching WAC defenses.
7) Northwestern led Nebraska 28-16 with 7:00 left, but collapsed down the stretch and lost 29-28 to the Cornhuskers, who threw the ball for 342 yards. Looked a lot like their late collapse in a loss at Penn State.
6) This happened Friday night, but it bears mentioning; SMU scored four TDs on defense in a bizarre 72-42 win over favored Houston. They ran back three INTs for scores and also ran a fumble back, as Cougars turned ball over nine times. Did I mention Houston was favored?
5) When San Diego State beat Colorado State last week, they didn't have a penalty, the first time since 1973 they went penalty-less in a game.
4) The new SEC schedule is creating scnearios where teams are playing three quality teams on consecutive Saturdays, which rarely happened until now. West Virginia/South Carolina looked awful this week, and that is a big reason why. Up until now, teams would put in a bye week before their bigger games. This is more like an NFL schedule.
3) Penn State had lost eight of its last nine games against Iowa, but they went to Iowa City and thrashed the Hawkeyes, 38-14, fifth win in a row for Bill O'Brien's club, after an 0-2 start.
2) You wait and see; if K-State QB Collin Klein becomes frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy, NBC and other Notre Dame apologists will push for Irish LB Monti Te'o to become the first defensive winner of the award.
1) UL-Monroe did it again, winning 43-42 in OT at Western Kentucky; down 42-35 in OT, the Warhawks scored a TD, then went for the win and got it, adding another chapter in the story of what will soon become their first winning season at the I-A level.
You may have thought that I was just going to gloss over the World Series because my A's are out and the Tigers are awful but you failed to acknowledge my love of lying to you. We have so many fans of these two teams (yes YOU, Brian) that it would be borderline criminal of me not to let everyone make wild predictions about it. After the Tigers pooped on my team and the Giants wedged that horseshoe up their asses even farther, we are left with a pretty interesting final battle between Team Trash and Team Ankle Grab. Here are some storylines that I’m looking forward to.
1. Will “rust” be perception or reality? That really is the big question, isn’t it? Both teams bring a lot of momentum with them to the World Series but it is unknown if that can be maintained for Detroit. The Tigers are easily the better team on paper here both in the lineup and on the mound yet that six day vacation casts a dark shadow over their clubhouse. I have the feeling that the Tigers do nothing through the first three innings tonight but get it going the second time through the order.
2. Is Verlander/Zito the biggest mismatch in the history of sports? Yes. Yes it is. Barry Zito and his 85 mph fastball are so goddamn bad. I don’t care what his numbers this year are because Zito blows. I’ll tell you one thing: if the Giants win tonight then the Tigers are in a whole fuck-ton of trouble.
3. Can the Giants hit enough? And can the Tigers bullpen keep it up? I really wish that the Giants would activate Melky. That would be so hilarious to me. I have no idea if the Giants will score enough runs or if the Tigers can close out games though. I do know that you should ignore the ALCS results because Phil Coke is still fat and bad.
4. Are Marco Scutaro and Delmon Young the worst CS MVPs of all time? Yes. Young being by far the worst ALCS MVP ever and Scutaro is a journeyman so you know that he blows. I wouldn’t expect much out of either of these losers.
5. Who has the better home field advantage? The Tigers have a fiery white trash fan base that we all know and hate but the Giants/A's have the best fans in the game. I stand by this. I feel like those fans actually matter during the course of a game. It’s as if they collectively pool all of their homo energy together and will the Giants to victory.
6. Who will be this year’s David Freese? For the Tigers, I think that Austin Jackson blows up. For the Giants, prepare for a Brandon Belt coming out party.
7. Enough already: Who wins the World Series? The Tigers are better but the Giants are ridiculously hot. The pitching match-ups favor the Tigers though. For me, it comes down to this: I’ve had a bad year. This year alone I’ve watched John Calipari cut down the nets, Jeff Carter hoist the Cup, Ohio State football go undefeated thus far, LeBron and Coach K win a gold medal, and, of course, LeBron win an NBA title. Clearly, someone has it out for me and loves to watch me die on the inside. With that sort of resume, why wouldn’t the Tigers finish me off for good? Tigers in 6.
The thought of showing up to the forum the day after the Tigers win the World Series (while my Lions continue to blow) makes me so sad that I’ve already picked out the bullet that will be embedded in my skull next week. Go ahead and take another look at how awful my sports year has been and there is still two more months to make it worse! Maybe I should just prepare for Sunday when Pete Carroll beheads Stafford during halftime. Anyway, who do you shitbirds like in The Fall Classic? And will you miss The Boss grunting “This Traaaaaaaaaaaaaain” during every commercial? I’ll be honest, that song is growing on me. Fuck the Tigers...but they're going to win and we will all be sad.