You are using an old web browser. Such browsers do not support modern web technologies and do not offer proper security. Please update your browser or download one of the others suggested for free.
Mozilla Firefox |
Google Chrome |
Internet Explorer |
SPOOKY'S PURPLE HAZE AND COLLEGE FOOTBALL TITTY EXPRESS
College Football Week 3
What's up you fuckin ferries? Another week of college football in the books and another week of awards to hand out. The envelopes please...
Pussy Magnet Award - Kellen Moore (Boise St.)
I was tempted to give it to Lattimore again for another week of putting everyone in his front pouch of excellence like a mother kangaroo and carrying them to the fucking promised land, but I gotta throw some love to the little guy. Plus watching Moore incinerate Toledo reminded me of just how worthless Joe Bauserman is. Is Moore Tim Tebow, minus the national titles, Heisman trophies and "Jesus Pwns" t-shirts? Probably. Do I make that comparison because he's white, left handed and more God damn adorable than two teddy bears wrestling? No doubt. Would his heart explode if he ever watched the opening sequence of a porno? Without question. Despite all this you HAVE to be impressed with what he's doing considering how dreadful his receiving corp is this year. If Moore even liked pussy, I'm sure he would have been knee deep in it Saturday night upon returning to the potato state. Instead he probably read "War and Peace" and was sound asleep by 10PM.
Colostomy Bag Award - Joe Bauserman (Ohio State)
I'm sorry. Baaahserman. Just wanted to say his name right. Now that we have that covered...on to the bashing. Have you ever in your life seen a worse performance by a scholarship player? Let's just whip that golden stat line up there in case anyone forgot how fuckin putrid this abortion was on Saturday. 2-14 for 13 yards. Ha! More attempts than yards? Are you shittin me?? Kill yourself. Well, at least he didn't turn the ball over. It's safe to say that the days of Joey Ballgame feeling up his center's butthole are over. He looked like a 7 year-old gay kid out there. On a few of those throws I found myself wondering if he was accidentally throwing left handed. It was fun while it lasted Boz. Now go grab that clipboard and glue it to your fucking hand because the only way you're seeing the field again is if you can somehow score Polaroids of Fickell fingerblasting a billy goat. With the new found plethora of free time you're going to have, why don't you go work on not looking like a 40 year old trucker seconds away from winding up on Dateline: How to Catch a Predator.
I Guess You're Okay Award - Eric Page (Toledo)
I'm starting to think this guy is gonna be a player at the next level. Not just a bench warmer or a practice corpse either, a real impact player. ELITE even. Actually, strike that from the record. Page will never be Ted Ginn or Anthony Gonzalez. He lacks the dedication to shave his own butthole while locked in an altitude tent. He can only strive for quasi-eliteness. But for real...I love Page's game and may actually watch more Toledo games because of him. You know a guy's sweet if it makes you actually WANT to struggle staying awake during a UT game. My only hope is that he doesn't succumb to the violence of some south Toledo meth head who hasn't slept in 2 weeks.
I Bet You're a Sex Offender Award - Maryland's uniforms
No one really rubbed me the wrong way this week so I'll take this opportunity to ask this to whomever had the idea for Maryland's wardrobe disaster. What the fuck were you thinking? Those uniform designs look like they were made by a blind a-d-d second grader. I found myself wondering where the fuck Steamin Willie Beamen was and if Tony D'Amato had one last trick tucked away in his leathery coin purse. Thanks for trying Maryland...now get rid of them and forget this happened. If the goal was to look like a fictional football team from an absurd movie then, bravo. Bra-fucking-vo.
For Realsies Award - Stanford
It's so difficult to assess teams after the cupcakes they play and being that it's this early in the season. Having said that, I really like the way Stanford looks right now and how their schedule is laid out going forward. The defense is pulverizing...which is what they're supposed to do at this point, and the offense is killing it...which is also what they're supposed to do at this point. They only have 2 real tests left (unless you count Notre Dame...and you shouldn't) in USC away and Oregon at home. Matt Barkley will be too busy day dreaming about southern California boners to be effective in that game and I don't think that USC have the defensive juice to bottle up Goblin Face Luck. Oregon may be a different story and we'll have to see how the Ducks look as the season progresses. But I think playing that game at home, most likely undefeated with a possible chance at a national title bid is enough to power Stanford to a win. This is assuming they don't trip over their own balls and fuck up by losing to USC. But they won't. Barkley loves penis way too much to let that happen. Fight On!!
This is My Shocked Face Award - South Carolina
Just wait. It's coming. The classic Spurrier meltdown game. Marcus Lattimore can't bail you out every week and eventually Stephen Garcia is going to lose you a game or five. Even though I'm a Garcia supporter, we cannot forget the ugly truth. And that truth is that Garcia loves throwing interceptions and losing football games. There are just too many trap games on SC's schedule and too many defenses waiting to feast on the moon balls of Stephen. I see probably 3 or 4 losses this year and thus deflating Lattimore's fleeting hope for a Heisman invite. Then Spurrier can go back to what he does best, directing child porn and mating with warlocks.
That's all. I have to go cheer for Craig Kimbrel from the Atlanta Braves to die now. JimmytheGreek will explain
Tuesday's List of 13: Nobody asked me, but..........
13) A couple in Staten Island stole over $2.5M in federal funds that was supposed to go for kids’ school lunches. What would be a fitting crime for these hideous humans? Simple jail time doesn’t seem like it would be enough.
12) This won’t happen for a while, but if the ACC isn’t targeting West Virginia, and it doesn’t seem like they are, Mountaineers would be perfect as the SEC’s 14th team.
11) If you’re Chris Mack, the basketball coach at Xavier, do you want part of an all-basketball Big East that would include DePaul-St John’s-Georgetown-Seton Hall-Providence-Dayton-Villanova-Xavier-Notre Dame-Duquesne? Or would you rather just be the big fish in the smaller Atlantic 14 pond?
10) Michael Vick’s weekly game check is for $982,352.
Backup Mike Kafka makes $405,000. A year.
9) Did you know China produces 70% of the world’s sex toys? Don’t laugh, it’s a $2B a year industry.
8) There is a sandwich shop outside Charlotte that must be owned by an art aficionado; name of the place, which is painted orange/pink, is the Salvatore Deli, a play on words on the old Spanish painter’s name.
7) This could be a dumb question, but are Ice T and Ice Cube related?
6) Sometimes divorce helps both parties; think David Wright and the Mets could use one, especially Wright, who seems psyched out by the dimensions at Citi Field. He’s be a lot happier in Colorado, don’t you think? He still has enough value to bring back some decent pitching talent.
5) NFL has a new rule where players who suffered a concussion won’t be required talk to the press after a game; this could be used as an out by a player who would rather not talk about the day’s events.
4) Two things Cam Newton has going for him are a strong offensive line, plus he’s not in a media fishbowl-type city. People who said he would be a bust look very wrong so far.
3) Ohio State is out of the Top 25 for the first time in seven years. Might be a while before they get back in.
2) How are we going to know when all this conference jockeying is over? When Cal-Santa Barbara joins America East? Some AD’s are going to lose their jobs over this, because the college president will make them the scapegoat if that school drops off the face of the athletic map (see Baylor/Iowa State) due to losing this very expensive game of musical chairs.
1) Through two weeks, over is 22-7-2 in the NFL. So much for thought that the lockout was going to hurt offenses. Maybe we’re learning that simpler is better. Maybe year-round practice is overrated.