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SPOOKY'S GONE TO PUNTA CANA COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPRESS
The Worst Of Week Five
Heading to Punta Cana with the BTB entourage and will be not posting much later in the week as we get shit faced, hammered and of course get a few massages by the Dominican massage girls. Heading there for the Punta Cana Poker Classic.
That poker room is going to be named after me in about a year. Even though I dont play poker it should be dont you think. Whats better than the Spooky Poker Room. Anyway, let's get it on with the worst of the week or as I like to call it, "watch me cry about my QB's head goo".
Cee-Lo Green - Not only is this guy the weirdest looking guy ever, but that "song" that they play before the Thursday night game is just awful. First of all The Ramones are terrible. Never spoof those ugly trolls. And "DO YOU LOVE FOOTBALL?" is what I imagine it feels like to be prison raped.
Robert Griffin III - I might as well get this over with for all you Redskin fans. Look, BRAH, GET THE FUCK DOWN. You've been playing with fire all season and you finally got burned. Reports, at the time of this writing, say that you were just "shaken up" but they need you, BRAH. Stop taking hits. Kirk Cousins is pretty bad and you don't want to watch him play any more.
Billy Cundiff - Worst kicker in the league. It doesn't matter who the Skins bring in because they always SUCK DICK.
Andy Dalton - You could tell from the first snap that he was going to be bad and he was just that. I can no longer defend the Bengals as a good team. They are average at best. The easy part of their schedule is coming to an end. The Bingles are about to start getting trucked.
Clay Matthews - Maybe it's time to start another cycle, doucher. The Packers are ass. They're probably better now that Cedric Benson's worthless ass is hurt.
Jim Irsay - Not only does this come off as a Chris Berman clone on Twitter, he is also grossly incompetent. I feel bad for Chuck Pagano as leukemia sounds like it sucks but didn't they run this guy through a fuckload of health tests before hiring him? I'm no doctor but wouldn't symptoms for this show up in a thorough physical? I say that they would and my word is final.
Matt Cassel - The injury is going to put him out of his misery. For now, the Chiefs belong to BRADY QUINN. If last year was the season of the Jesusback then 2012 is the year of RAINBOW TENOR. All hail Quinn! lol
Joe Flacco - 9 points against the Chiefs = not ELITE.
Dick Jauron - LOL! The Giants have so few healthy weapons: it's just Victor Cruz and Bradshaw. What a bold strategy to let them combine for 300 yards and 4 scores!
Mike Vick - Still awful in every way.
Cam Newton - 12/29 for 141 yards. This guy sucks. I blame his membership on my sons fantasy team last year. Either way, all the Cam haters out there have to be eating this shit up because Cam is dishing up a whole fuckload of hilarity.
Pete Carroll - OK, it's time to end this Rusty Wilson garbage. Put in Flynn already. Colin Cowherd will only cry for a few days straight.
Jay Cutler smiling with Mike Tice - Worst image of the year. Cutty smiling makes me very sad. Jacksonville is fucking terrible.
Buffalo and Tennessee - These are the two worst teams in football. Maybe not the Bills, but they're close. I can say with certainty that the Titans would be a 20 point home underdog to the Browns.
The play this week seemed shitty to me. And it should not have felt that way since the Lions were on a bye.
Wrapping up the weekend of college football Saturday........
13) Three of top five teams got beat Saturday, with LSU/Florida State getting blanked in the second half on the road, first time since 2008 that three of the top five teams lost on the same day.
12) Florida State led 16-0 at halftime in Raleigh, but Seminole QB Manuel took an awful sack in Wolfpack territory when Seminoles were up 16-10, costing his team a shot a field goal that would've been very helpful about an hour later. NC State was missing three starters on offensive line.
11) If you like to invest in games, you can spend hours looking at stats, like some of us do, or you can just read the papers, and go against the teams who appear on that week's police blotter........
-- TCU's QB was suspended after a DUI: Frogs (-7) lost on the up.
-- Missouri had five guys suspended; Tigers (-7) lost on the up.
-- Wake Forest had five guys suspended; Deacons (+7) lost 19-14, but at least they covered the spread.
Winning two of three by that method ain't bad.
10) Miami had a WR drop a wide-open TD on the first play of the game, and it was all downhill from there, as they got bamboozled 41-3 in Chicago by Notre Dame. They'll be payback down the road for this one.
Quick lookalike: Miami coach Al Golden and the late George Allen, who coached the Rams and Redskins. He has some of Allen's mannerisms.
9) Wheels have completely fallen off at Auburn, which lost 24-7 at home to a dysfunctional Arkansas team. Is it possible for a coach to be on the hot seat less than two years after he won a national title? Nothing has gone well for coach Chizik since Cam Newton left town.
8) LSU was supposed to have improved QB play this year, but they've scored 18 points in their last two road games, they converted only 1-13 on 3rd down Saturday with only 8 first downs in an ugly 14-6 loss at Florida. The offensive coordinator at LSU makes $750,000 a year; could be a long week for him.
7) Duke is 5-1, its best start since 1994; Blue Devils beat Virginia 42-17, after trailing 17-14 at the half. Duke is coached by David Cutcliffe, who had a decent stint at Ole Miss but got run out of town after Eli Manning went on to the NFL, despite having only one losing season in Oxford.
6) ESPN might want to think twice about airing BYU games on weeknights; they've already had a 7-6 loss to Boise State, a 6-3 win over Utah State on the nation's airwaves, a couple of snoozefests. Conference games are more fun to watch, that is almost always true.
5) North Carolina outrushed Virginia Tech 339-40, thumped Hokies in Chapel Hill, 48-34. UNC survived 15 penalties for 126 yards. This is as bad as the Hokies have played in years.
4) If you bet on Central Michigan (+11.5) Saturday, someone upstairs has it out for you; Chippewas were down 5 in the last minute, and Toledo kicked a FG to go up 43-35 with 0:54 left, something like that. You know it is a bad day when Toledo runs pick-6 back with 0:38 left to cover, 50-35. Rockets also had a punt return for TD and another pick-6 earlier.
3) There were 23 unbeatens coming into this week; now there are 16.
2) Penn State outscored Northwestern 22-0 in 4th quarter to hand the Wildcats their first loss of the year, 39-28. ESPN's Brian Griese went out of his way to praise the coaching QB McGloin has been getting this year, a not so subtle dig at the old QB coach, Jay Paterno.
1) Ohio State 63, Nebraska 38. Cornhuskers' coach Bo Pelini played at Ohio State; you get the feeling these two teams are going to be great rivals, both on the field and on the recruiting trail.
Buckeyes scored a TD on a 16-yard run with 0:48 left; hmmm.....
The best and worst of College Football on the Express
Im sure next week in Punta Cana Ryan and myself will be participating in "drink as many margaritas as you can in four hours" with lots of the Bookmaker and DSI guys. Im sure the next morning I will be found standing in the casino in my underwear while shoveling left over Mexican food in my mouth in the same fashion a lion would eat a mangled gazelle carcass. It should be a fun time. Oh well. Time for some footbawwwwww!
-The Ohio Buckeyes.
See? I can give credit where it's due. That was a straight up fuckin ass whoopin over a team that was allegedly good. I think we can all agree after watching that game that Nebraska is horse nuggets. I was especially impressed with Carlos Hyde in that game. That's a motherfuckin ball game right there, ladies and dick lickers! What pleases me the most about this game is Ohio has nothing to play for this year and keeps picking off Legends contenders thus paving the way for Michigan to grease their way into a Big 10 title. Thanks, faggots!
I keep waiting for this team to let me down yet they keep winning every week. I see they still haven't mastered the art of defense in Morgantown but who needs a defense when you have Geno Smiff? Sweet lesbian pussy sweat, this fucker is good! I mean...what Smiff is doing right now is nutty turd, crazy. It's gargling with shit water, insane. Completing over 80% of his passes with almost 2,000 yards passing and 24 TDs to FUCKING ZERO picks!! I didn't see a Heisman ranking on ESPN.com yet but if anyone but Smiff is on top of that leaderboard I'll head to Bristol and just start ripping wieners off of people's bodies without saying a word. Like I'm unearthing carrots from nutrient rich soil. I bet Bettin Gurl is ready to party with me now.
I was going to slap them with the dreaded "Tardest" label but Souf Carolina seems to be pretty good. Even though Spurrier is still a creepy little hobbit that most likely had cameras installed into the women's locker room, the COCKS look like a legit contender right now. We'll just see if they can avoid an FSU caliber meltdown against a team they should be blowing the fuckin doors off of. On the flip side, we all knew that Georgia was a little OVERRATED but to get humiliated like that is just plain awful. They didn't even compete. Just a pathetic performance all the way around.
-IOWA STATE, THE GIANT KILLERS! And to think that no one in TCU's athletic department had to die in a fiery plane crash for Iowa state to pull this one off. Casey Pachall sure offered a strong hand of support in this upset by getting blasted then deciding to go on a Texas joy ride. It's cool Casey. We're still BRAHS although TCU's football program doesn't echo the same sentiment. I offer a heterosexual warm embrace if he needs a friendly shoulder to cry into.
THERE IT IS!! THERE'S THE EMBARRASSING LOSS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! I went hoarse with laughter when I saw the final of this game. Classic FSU. Can we all be done picking the Noles as a sleeper preseason national title contender every year? Have they publicly soiled themselves enough over the last decade for us to realize how OVERRATED this team really is? I mean...FUCK! How much easier could this have been set up for these dick smacks? The only tough game they had left was the last game of the year against Florida. I'm done talking about these fuckin losers. Anyone in the Spooky panel that picks FSU in the title game preseason next year is fucking banned from this site.
No one believes you. Because you are a liar and a rapey butt fucker. Save the breath you were going to use on you "innocence speech" at the sentencing. Instead, use it for your first night in prison for when you tenderly blow on your cell mates ball hair as he fists your asshole. You're getting life in prison no matter what you say. Why? Because the judge sentencing you doesn't want to have to move to Canada where everything besides the health care is second rate. Have fun getting blown out like a DP anal porn star for the next 15 years of your life...assuming you live that long. It'll be great practice for the eternity in Hell you have to look forward to.
The Spooky Lock of the Week
After fuckin NAILING the Florida upset over the toilet water specialist led LSU Tigers. Let's keep this streak going.
(17) Stanford over (7) Notre Dame. I'm sorry but this Irish team is insanely OVERRATED. Their most impressive wins this year are against two Big 10 teams that look to be very average this year. And neither were blow outs. Sure...Standford struggled against The fighting RichRods of Arizona and lost to Washington but they do have an impressive win over then second ranked USC. I think Stanford gets overlooked this week because Notre Dame thinks they are a way better team than they really are. Plus Brian Kelly hasn't murdered anyone in awhile so I think he may be losing his edge. Stanford 31 Notre Dame 21.