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SPOOKY'S BEND OVER ITS TIME FOR THE WEEKLY NFL EXPRESS
The Worst of Week 4
Under 17 requires an accompanying parent or adult guardian to read this post
The regular officials - Holy buttholes!! Do these guys think they're fucking rock stars or something? Yes...the scab refs were worse than finding a pube rug at the bottom of your soup bowl. But that doesn't mean that your triumphant return needs to be as heralded as you dickwads are making it. Hat tipping? Standing ovations? Get fucked, shit plugs. You're still just glorified part time employees that everyone will hate in 2 weeks anyway...or this week if you're a Green Bay fan. Jesus! Can we have a week where the Packers don't get strapped to rape stand for the officiating crew to violently penetrate?
Greg Little - Remember in The Goonies when everyone kept throwing stuff at Chunk when they wanted something broken inconspicuously because they knew his chubby sausage fingers lacked the capability of catching anything? Well, Greg Little is Chunk. Except not fat. Just black and retarded with warm, soft turds sewn to the spot on his wrists where his hands used to be. Nice fucking career, shit lips. Get AIDS assuming you haven't contracted it already.
Brandon Meriweather and Aldrick Robinson - Wikipedia tells me that Meriweather's mother was 13 when she crapped that walking felony out. Ha! You couldn't make this shit up! Nothing quite like a pregame blind collision to kick things off the right way. It's good that both of those guys suck shit because that collision kept both of them out of the game. The most shocking part of that situation was Meriweather didn't immediately grab his helmet to finish off Robinson the Miami Hurricane way.
Darren McFadden - I like to call him the new Chris Johnson. Apparently either McFadden blows or gets hurt for 6 games out of the year, every year. So just know in the future when you draft him he only does real, actual work for 60% of the season...like a true black person.
Arizona's Defense - First, you almost lost to the Miami RyanTannehills. Second you let Brian Hartline put up a God damn monster on you. I had no idea white receivers were capable of that let alone even allowed to do that. I hope all you Hartline owners started him this week because that shit's not happening again. Fucking ever.
Santonio Holmes - Or San Antonio Holmes as Terry Bradshaw now calls him. He's good at three things. Smoking weed, running his jibs and getting hurt. My only question is how do you find pants big enough to fit that enormous pussy?
Lions - This hurts me to say it. But its deserved. Way to not capitalize on the public raping of Green Bay last week and really put a stranglehold on that last place spot in the division. I guess Fat Stafford was too enamored with the voluptuous nature of his own man beefers to be bothered into playing a football game. What week will it finally be before we can get myself to admit that this isn't a good team? I say week 13 when the Lions are 3-9.
Cam Newton/Carolina Secondary -
"Hold on, hold on, hold on. Lemme do my Superman thingy before anyone touches me."
"But we're losing."
"I don't care. It's SOOOOOOOO COOL! I'm so God Damn awesome."
Nice fumble, dildo. Maybe try being an actual quarterback instead of a glorified running back next time. So remind me again why you have 3 running backs on your active roster? Oh. Right. To recover Cam Newton fumbles that result in Matt Ryan bombs on the way to a complete secondary break down. Nice game, faggots.
Matt Hasselbeck - Is Hasselbeck still terrible? Lemme check...yep still terrible. That took only about 2 seconds to confirm. Retire already.
Graham Harrell - LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! One play, one lost fumble. Because he tripped over his own God damn foot. And it lead to an 80 yard TD bomb. Wonderful! I need more Graham Harrell follies!! Get your ass back to the back of the unemployment line, you fuckin scab.
Garrett Hartley - How many games have the Saints lost because Hartley morphs into Ray Finkle when the game is on the line? Better question...why do the Saints continue to employ a terrible kicker who roids it for shits and grins?
The TenorCat - How long before the Jets cut their losses with Pipes McJesus? How long before they realize the TenorCat offense is stupid as fuck? Does Rex Ryan beat off to foot models like JB here at the forum beats of to plus sized model magazines? Is this the most anyone has talked/cared about the Jets this year? Did Antonio Cromartie just father another bastard child? These are questions I think of while skimming the Jets box score.
Chris Wells - I refuse to call him by his retarded ass nickname. What we should do is change his actual name to Puss Wells. Just another example of Fuckeye fans spewing sewage about any player ever associated with the program. At this point I just hear fart noises when they talk. Remember Wells rookie year how SWEET he was gonna be in the NFL? Remember how it was a STEAL where the Cardinals drafted him? What a waste of a person. That guy can't get his fragile, black ass off the shitter without tearing or bruising something.
That's about all I've got. Get your rectums ready tomorrow for another College Football special. Like a JimmytheGreek penetration for all of you lucky bastards this week. Now if you'll excuse me I have to start packing for Punta Cana. As Bart Scott would say, "CAN'T WAIT!"
Monday's List of 13: Wrapping up a sports weekend.............
13) Arizona Cardinals converted a 4th-and-10 play for the tying TD and beat Miami 24-21 in OT, making them 4-0 for the first time in 38 years. Redbirds have now won 10 games in a row that were decided by less than seven points.
12) Minnesota Vikings didn't score an offensive TD at Detroit, but they did run a kickoff and a punt back for TDs, upsetting the Lions 20-13 at Ford Field. Detroit (3 takeaways, -3) is finding ways to lose so far this season.
11) Jets got bamboozled 34-0 at home by the 49ers, getting outrushed by 200 yards; now we'll find out if Rex Ryan can coach, if he can take a bad situation and somehow make it better. Jets are 2-2, its not a disaster yet, but it sure looks like its headed that way.
Jets completed 14-30 passes, were 2-13 on 3rd down and lost the battle for field position by 15 yards. Other than that, they played great.
10) NFL teams are now 14-2 this season when they win field position battle by 10+ yards (5-0 this week).
9) The five most popular picks in the LVH Handicapping Contest (people pick 5 teams a week, $1,500 for the year) all covered the spread Sunday. Of the six least popular picks Sunday, only one (Saints) covered.
8) If you care about such things, underdogs are 8-6 this week, 36-26 for season. Home teams are 4-10 this week (10-20 last two weeks), over was 7-7 going into the Monday night game.
7) On their first seven drives Sunday, Patriots had a TD, missed two FGs, and ran 41 plays for 250 yards.
On their last seven drives, New England ran 39 plays for 337 yards, good for six TDs and a field goal.
Did I mention they scored 45 points in the second half?
6) Redskins' four games have been decided by total of 20 points; RGIII is fun to watch, but they missed three FGs in a row before Billy Cundiff hit the game-winner, which probably saves his job (for this week).
5) Red zone offenses averaged 4.96 points/possession this week, up from last week. There were 107 plays of 20+ yards this week, for an average of 4.11 per team, up a ltitle this week.
Seattle Seahawks are the first team this season to not have one play of 20+ yards in a game.
4) Raiders won their last four visits to Denver, but they got squashed Sunday, losing 37-6 in game where Broncos won 21 of 28 3rd down plays. Manning was 30-39/338 passing and looked very, very sharp.
3) Why was Jacksonville favored over the Bengals? I know that money drives who is and isn't favored, but who is plunking money down on Blaine Gabbard? Line moved to Jacksonville being favored late Saturday night, and that takes a decent amount of cash. Go figure.
2) Impressive win by the Chargers, bouncing back from last week's loss and crushing Kansas City on the road. Have to wonder about 1-3 Chiefs, who were down 24-6 to the 0-4 Saints in their only win.
1) Rams are 2-2 and a spunky bunch, but the two wins came against rookie QBs. They'll need improvement on OL to beat the better teams, when they'll need to score more than one TD a game.
-- Dodgers stayed alive by beating the Giants; St Louis can clinch a spot in the playoffs by beating Cincinnati on Tuesday.
-- Bronx now has a half-game lead over Baltimore in the AL East; doubt Red Sox can win a game, so looks like Orioles will be a Wild Card team.
-- Washington Nationals clinched the NL East, so the Braves will host a Wild Card game Friday.
-- Detroit won the AL Central by beating the Royals, so the five playoff teams in the AL are set; I heard a rumor last night the A's made it!!!!
-- A's are only a game behind Texas; if they beat Matt Harrison Tuesday, it sets up a winner-takes-all game for the division Wednesday afternoon.
-- Its hard to describe how much fun this baseball season has been for me as an A's fan. A friend of mine bet me back in March that the A's would lose 100 games. Now they're in the playoffs. Outstanding.
Tuesday's List of 13: Random thoughts on a very happy day.......
13) I mentioned this last year, I think, but it must be very exciting to be an NFL coach, since you can make such a difference from week-to-week. The margin between victory/defeat seems to be thinner in the NFL than any other pro leagues, so a trick play here or an adjustment there can win you a ballgame. Has to be very challenging.
12) Redskins traded a king’s ransom to St Louis for the draft pick that became Robert Griffin III, and I bet they’re damn glad they did, he’s been that good so far. Rams are happy too, since they’ve got their franchise QB and they need those extra draft picks to replenish what had become a talent-poor roster. Win-win situation, the way trades are supposed to be.
11) Young Griffin led the game-winning drive in Tampa Sunday, despite the radio in his helmet not working; funny how that happens on the road, Kid is bright, though and can actually call his own plays. Imagine that? What if all QBs did that? What do you mean they used to? Cool.
By the way, Tampa coach Greg Schiano is a Belichick disciple; funny how the radio technology went out with the Redskins on their last drive. Just an odd coincidence, I'm sure.
10) Underdogs are 27-14 against spread this year in NFL non-divisional games, 12-0 in games involving NFC East teams.
9) Carolina Panthers have to be sick that they lost in Atlanta; they lost the game-clinching first down when Cam Newton fumbled on 3rd down and the ball went backwards (Carolina recovered, but short of the line to make), then after pinning Atlanta inside its own 5-yard line, they let the Falcons drive into FG range. A bitter defeat in such a short season, and a divisional game, to boot.
8) Same thing for Miami, which had the ball around midfield with under 3:00 left when rookie QB Taneyhill got hit and fumbled. Arizona then converted two 4th-down plays, including the winning TD on a 4th-and-10 play. On the bright side for the Fish, Taneyhill had a huge day throwing the ball; WR Hartline is leading the NFL in receiving yardage. That’s an upset. Dolphin lost their last two games in OT; they're well-coached.
7) Rams’ rookie kicker Greg Zuerlein hit four FGs Sunday, including bombs from 58-60 yards. He’s quite a weapon; Tucker kid on Baltimore is also a very good rookie kicker.
6) NFL paid replacement refs for Week 4, even though they didn’t work. Cost the league $332,500, by my count, which is chicken feed for them but probably means a lot to some of the refs. Hope one of the replacement refs writes a long article about the experience.
5) SEC teams are 6-13 vs spread as non-conference favorites, Pac-12 teams 3-7. Big-name teams are struggling to put up big numbers early on.
4) Four games into this season, and Michael Vick has three-game-winning drives in the last 2:00, with two of them against the Ravens/Giants. He has his flaws, but at the end of the day, he’s pretty damn good.
3) Angels can thank a cruddy bullpen and 1-9 record against Tampa Bay for missing the playoffs; CJ Wilson has been pitching with a bum elbow that needs to be scoped. They'll be a formidable foe next season.
2) Mets’ 1B Ike Davis has 11 homers on the first pitch of an AB this season, most in the major leagues.
1) Our thoughts and prayers go out to Colts’ coach Chuck Pagano, who is taking a leave of absence to battle leukemia. Get well soon, coach.
NFL divisions' records vs spread in non-divisional games:
NFC East-- 4-8-- 0-8 as favorites, 4-0 as underdogs.
NFC North-- 5-6-- 4-3 at home, 1-3 on road.
NFC South-- 6-4-- 1-4 at home, 5-0 on the road.
NFC West-- 8-3-- 2-2 as favorites, 6-1 as underdogs.
AFC East-- 6-4-- 2-0 as road favorites; .500 at other levels.
AFC North-- 4-5-- 1-3 as favorites, 3-2 as underdogs.
AFC South-- 5-4-- 3-2 at home, 2-1, as favorites.
AFC West-- 4-6-- 2-4 as underdogs, 1-3 on the road.