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SPOOKY'S IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER IN WEEK 2 NFL EXPRESS
The Worst of Week One
YES! Real football is back! Oh how sweet this is. Now I guess who better than to lead off the Worst of than......
Spooky - How can I top this opening week of picks. Lots of excuses but I think a one armed paper hanger can do a better job hanging paper than I could of done with my picks. I will guarantee this. And will risk $1,000,000 on this to back up my talk.
Next week will be better than this week. Guaranteed!
Andrew Luck - That was a pretty disappointing debut for the chosen one. Granted, the Bears have a legit defense but I wasn't expecting as many poor decisions as he had. He'll be fine and all that, but he is not Bobby Griff.
Matt Forte fantasy owners - Expect to see way more Michael Bush touchdown vulturing. Running backs are a crap shoot.
Mike Vick and Shady McCoy - Not good. These are the Eagles that I know and hate. Way to completely ignore your best offensive weapon in lieu of more garbage Vick passes.
Brandon Weeden - Another rookie QB with an underwhelming debut. He's still better than Colt McCoy.
The Lions - I'll take the win, for sure, but how in the hell do you need a last second TD to beat the fucking Rams at home? Pathetic. Fat Stafford's celebratory sprinting was the LOL moment of the week.
Jake Locker - Dude, take a lesson from Denard, when you throw a pick, let someone else make the tackle.
Falcons doubters - Well, after week one, ATL and that passing game appear to be unstoppable. Matty Ice was everything that we thought he could be yesterday. Nice start to the fightin' MUDawgs.
Jags/Vikings - This game should not have been televised. I will say that Vikings K Blair Walsh should be a member of DFL champion franchise, Blair White Power.
The Bills - Poor commenter Dan. So many people picked Buffalo to turn the corner this year and that all ended yesterday when Fred Jackson's leg died on the field and they gave up half a hundred to Mark Sanchez. On a positive note, CJ Spiller is leading the NFL in rushing! The pick six that Fitzpatrick threw to Cromartie was the worst pass thrown this week. At least he leads the league in something.
Ryan Tannehill - All you need to know about the team who will be drafting first next April is that Tannehill threw a 3 yard pass on 4th and 8. These guys suck.
Drew Brees - For a team that was apparently so U MAD BRO at Goodell, they sure didn't play like they had anything to prove yesterday. The Skins defense looked really good except for that awful blocked punt and then in garbage time. They were all over the field. It was incredible. I haven't seen their defense play like that since #21 was still OWNING the league.
RG3 H8RZ - OK, everyone, time to bow down. Do you know how many home games the Saints lost last year? The answer is "one less than they have already this year". That was incredible. They have been irrelevant for so fucking long (especially offensively) and now, the Redskins are fun to watch. Alfred "ALF-MO" Morris appears to be a great find by Shanny. I'm a little skeptical only because we play the Rams next week. The old Skins would lose to them by double digits. We shall see.
The replacement refs - They were fine early but they were the scabbiest of butt scabs late. Let's just ignore blocks in the back and cause Harbaugh's head to explode! Seattle wants a FOURF timeout? FUCK YEAH! Bring back Booger.
Cam Juice - This beverage apparently can not be consumed in less than ideal weather.
Ryan Clark - I hope that the Steelers play in Denver every year. I will never stop laughing at his lupus face.
The Packers - Still can't play defense and still can't run the ball. Nothing has changed at all. Oh sure, they'll still score a ton and win a lot of games, but they aren't a legit SB contender. I said it. You know it's true.
Randy Moss - Our last submission today because he is the one that I was most disappointed with. Sure, he scored and all to show that he's back but whatever. He was back in Green Bay...with Joe Buck on the call...WHERE WAS THE POOPING MIME! The all-time greatest touchdown celebration should have been replicated! You failed America, Randy Moss.
For everyone that gave me a thumbs down on the forum. Revenge is mine. Enjoy Chris fucking Berman doing play by play for game 2 tonight. God help us all.
We were treated to two different types of ugly last night: a thorough curb-stomping and a category five shit storm. The Ravens took it to allegedly ascendant Bengals with their no-huddle heavy offense making a lot of people ready to anoint Joe Flacco a quarterback to be reckoned with, a scary and confusing reality, but one we'll have to accept until the Ravens aren't dropping 40+ on playoff teams.
The latter contest was an absolute joy if you're into halting drives being extended by thoughtless penalties and watching the worst day of an emergency long-snapper's life. It's an acquired taste in football, but far be it from me to judge. There was also Chris Berman at his most Boomer, so no blame whatsoever if you decided to sit that one out. He was every bit as awful as expected, whether it was barking BANG! at the opening tackle or spending several minutes with Trent Dilfer defending Dean Spanos for keeping on Norv Turner and A.J. Smith.
Wednesday's List of 13: Our first NFL List of 13........
32) Dolphins—Never a good thing when your best WR is your starting quarterback.
31) Browns—D’Qwell Jackson scored a defensive TD with 13:59 left to give Browns a 15-10 lead over Philly, but they kicked PAT instead of going for two points, which wound up as a fatal mistake when Eagles scored TD in last 90 seconds for 17-16 win. Basic strategy escapes some of these coaches. Its not good.
30) Colts—125+ Harvard students were implicated in a cheating scandal that apparently includes two Harvard basketball players, including team’s star, who will withdraw from school then come back next year.
29) Bills—Speaking of Harvard, it probably wasn’t a great idea to throw a boatload of money at a QB (Ryan Fitzpatrick) who didn’t get a football scholarship to college. Big early season game for the perception of their program this week against a Chief team they beat 41-7 LY.
28) Rams—Played much better defense in Detroit, but a loss is a loss, and the meter is now running at 15-66 since ’07.
Very tough to do a ranking after one week; only 0-1 team listed here are the defending champs, who aren't one of the best eight teams.
8) Giants—Defending champs always get a mention in our first list of season, but they also usually win that first game. Giants were only team not to gain 20+ yards on any 1st/2nd down plays; all three of their explosive plays came on 3rd down.
7) Broncos—All those folks who speculated on Denver when spreads for whole season came out back in May are looking awful smart right now; if Manning keeps playing well, Broncos will become a public team.
6) Cowboys—Final tally on explosive plays in Week 1: 130, or 4.1 per team. 50 of 130 came on first down plays. Five teams had four explosive plays on 1st down; only one of the five who lost (Browns) played another team that had five big plays on first down.
5) Falcons—Most teams who score first eight times they have the ball win that day. Looks like new OC Dirk Koetter (former HC at Boise State/ Arizona St) will let Matt Ryan be more aggressive.
4) Ravens—Fast-paced, no-huddle offense is fun to watch. Remember that OC Cam Cameron played basketball in college at Indiana.
3) Texans—ESPN.com reports that since 1990, 38 of 64 teams (59%) that won by 20+ points in Week 1 made the playoffs.
2) 49ers—Can you believe Steeler DC Dick LeBeau turned 75 Sunday? If you put his pic next to mine, it might be hard to tell who is older, and I’m 52. LBeau was a very good defensive back for the Lions.
1) Patriots—I’m typing this up on September 11, 11 years after one of our country’s darkest days. Thanks to all the soldiers, police and firemen who help keep us safe.
-- Jerry Blevins escaped a 1st-and-3rd, none out jam in ninth inning to preserve the A's 6-5 win in Anaheim, their 11th straight road win. Game ended when Howie Kendrick bounced into a 5-4-3 double play.
-- Patrick Ewing wants to be an NBA head coach, but turned down a shot to coach the D-League team in Erie, PA, whose GM is Allan Houston. He thinks being a great player should get him an NBA head coaching job.
-- Michael Peck, coach of Findlay Prep in Las Vegas, left to become the head coach of Portland's D-League team in Idaho. He wants to prove his ability to coach professional players.
-- USC-Syracuse drew 39,000+ to Swamp Stadium Saturday; someone has to tell the Syracuse AD that their alums are mostly front runners who are basketball fans because the basketball team wins.
-- Mets ended streak of 110 consecutive innings at home without scoring multiple runs in any inning; its the second-longest streak in MLB history, behind the 1909 Washington Senators.
-- Greedy bastard update/incumbent politician alert: Gas is now $4.06 a gallon. I'm voting against all incumbents until this problem is taken care of. Not that anyone cares. lol
Thursday's List of 13: Our baseball List of 13.........
30) Astros—Slowly building up talent base; their teams in low minors are doing well this summer.
29) Rockies—They need five starting pitchers who induce a lot of ground balls. Otherwise, they’ve got very little chance, playing in high altitude.
??) Marlins—Such a depressing season that Showtime’s reality show bailed early on them. How do they go about getting better?
??) Red Sox—Fenway is logical landing spot for David Wright, when the Wilpons cry poor after next summer’s All-Star Game and refuse to sign their star long-term.
??) Mets—Speaking of which, how does a team located eight miles from the Bronx ballpark operate like a small market team? Shouldn’t former used car salesman Alan R. Selig be pushing them to spend some money?
8) Bronx—Friend of mine asked me if Girardi will lose his job if they don’t make playoffs. It’s a fair question.
7) Braves—Kind of cool that they’re heading to playoffs in Chipper Jones’ last season. They collapsed late last year, just like Boston, but unlike the Red Sox, they didn’t hit the panic button, and have been rewarded for it.
6) Angels—Still have six games left with Texas, which could throw AL race into chaos. Or Rangers could just knock Halos out of Wild Card race.
5) Giants—Starting pitching and good role players, like Marco Scutaro. Is Bruce Bochy the most underrated manager in baseball?
4) A’s— I could go on for a month about how much fun this season has been, but the job isn’t finished yet, and I'm very superstitious.
3) Nationals—So what exactly does Stephen Strasburg do the rest of the season; would they ever use him as a pinch-runner? Does he even dress for games? Does he go to games? Do they put him on the grounds crew? Make him a guest announcer? Will he go on road trips? Seriously, this is uncharted territory.
2) Rangers—They traded Edinson Volquez for Josh Hamilton; Reds cut their losses by trading Volquez for Mat Latos. As usual, the Padres are the losers in a trade.
1) Reds—They won’t be #1 on this list in October unless closer Chapman is ready to roll in the playoffs. Dusty Baker’s contract is up after year; would the Dodgers outbid Cincinnati for his services?