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SPOOKY AND THE CRIMSON AND GOLD COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPRESS
College Football Spooky style
Ahhhh. Spooky and College Football Tuesdays at BangtheBook. We go together like rat farts and sewer water. Like Browns home games and piss filled water balloons. Like JB and a brothel full of fat hookers. You get the idea.
Next order of business. I'm testing out a new segment this year called "The Good, The Tard and the Tardest". If you need me to explain this then you probably went to the same school Seal did. In that case get back to your Sponge Bob coloring book so you don't hurt yourself. Let's jump in, here.
- Matt Barkley
When he's not huffing boner fumes or stealing young men's dirty underwear, Matt Barkley is hurling a multitude of touchdown passes. Listen. I know he's played putrid filth for competition, but this is what the Heisman favorite is supposed to do. He looks great right now and that's excellent news for us USC fans.
If Boyd keeps playing the way he is currently, the ACC could have it's first legit National Title game contender since Bobby Bowden was tuggin his turkey to barely legal Tallahassee whores. "Daaad Gummit, thas uh sweet, tenduh lookin' underwear pussy! WOOOOOWEEEEEEE!!" I'm not totally bought in yet since Boyd morphed into a turnover machine last year once Clemson started playing not shitty teams. But so far he looks pretty fuckin good.
Okay, MuDawg. This is Georgia's last chance with me. Aaron Murray could be the best QB in the SEC this year as long as the offensive line can keep his milky white cheeks clean. If Murray shines, so do the Dawgs as we saw this past weekend. Beating Missouri was mildly impressive but they have a YOOOOUGE test at South Carolina in 4 weeks. I'll wait until then before I start Dennis Green "CROWNING THEIR ASSES!" And the only reason I say "mildly impressive" is because Blaine Gabbert is a princess fairy.
Jesus Christ sucking on tubby lard tits! I would rather French kiss my dog's butthole than watch a single defensive replay from that fucking joke of a performance. Michigan's defense faces a team that runs a dead offense from the 1920's and all of a sudden they sprint around grabbing at each other's dick and balls for 3 hours? I can understand getting hammer fucked by an SEC powerhouse offense but the GOD DAMN AIR FORCE?!?! Fuck my butt, it's gonna be a long season for Wolverine fans if Mattison doesn't get this shit figured out.
This shit is starting to get flat out embarrassing. How does a program go from playing for a National Title 10 years ago to the current state of compost we see today? They looked like a Division II school against Kansas St. But then again...KState is the home of BEST FANTASY RUNNING BACK DARREN SPROLES!! I almost feel bad for everyone at Miami but then I remember that shit heads like Michael Irvin and Kellen "FUCKIN SOLIDER" Winslow played there. Even my wife went to school there. Fuck em.
Great effort, guys! There's a Heisman finalist from last year on the team and he only gets 61 yards against a team that has been PAC-12 gutter trash that's good for between 4 and 9 losses a year. That's just superb football right there. I put 99% of the blame on Bielema for not recruiting QBs and just relying on transfer students to step in and run the offense like they've been there 4 years. Oh...and just because you have a horde of fat fuck offensive lineman that all weigh over 300 pounds doesn't mean shit unless they can block. Go Pack 12!!!!!
John L. Smith does it again! Everything this guy touches turns into muddy diarrhea. I've heard hillbilly, hog nation screaming injustices about dropping out of the top 25. Get fucked. Let's say, in theory, for a moment that Michigan lost to Appalachian State in 2007 as the 5th ranked team in the country. What happened then? That's right, faggots. Out of the top 25...and deservedly so. And if losing to Louisiana-Monroe wasn't bad enough. There's this. I'm begging you. Stop reading right now and watch that video. Seriously. I fucking cried real laughter tears when I first saw this. Hillbillies are good for more than just incest and birth defects.
Wrapping up a college football Saturday, recap.......
13) Every year I'm reminded how awesome football weekends are; Saturday was no exception. Louisiana-Monroe stunned Arkansas as a 30-point dog, winning 34-31 in OT after trailing 28-7 early in third quarter.
Cool sight after the game was a state trooper who "protects" Coach Todd Berry stopping the coach on the field and hugging him after ULM scored the winning TD. Pure joy, very fun to see.
Horrendous night for Arkansas, which lost star QB Tyler Wilson with a broken collarbone; Razorbacks play Alabama next week. Not good.
12) If you had $100 on UL-Monroe on the money line, that ticket is now worth a cool $5,750. Not a bad day's work.
11) Michigan 31, Air Force 25; total yards: 422-417, Michigan. Air Force didn't make any coaches/players available to the media after the game, thats how hard they took this loss. Denard Robinson enjoyed the AF defense a little more than he enjoyed playing against Alabama.
10) Clemson/Washington State both made 60+-yard FGs Saturday; Rice hit a 45-yarder at the gun to win at Kansas. Why doesn't every D-I team have a good kicker? Oregon State's kicker missed a 40-yarder, short/wide right. How is this possible? Short? Go recruit a freakin' kicker!!!
9) Penn State missed four FGs and had a PAT blocked in a brutal 17-16 loss at Virginia, but their kicker jumped ship and transferred to Texas when the NCAA sanctions came down, so can't blame the coaches there.
Cavaliers were -4 in turnovers, had 10 penalties for 70 yards (PSU had 24 yards on three penalties), were outrushed 121-32 and they still won. Odd.
8) Kansas State outgained Miami 498-262, completing nine of 11 passes for 210 yards in an easy 52-13 win. Tough times for the 'canes' defense.
7) Skip Holtz won another road game, this one in miraculous fashion, as South Florida hit on two TD passes of 50+ yards in last 3:00, rallying back from a 21-6 first quarter deficit to stun Nevada 32-31 in Reno. Not often a team wins a game on a 56-yard TD pass with 0:36 left, but USF did.
6) When Texas (-39) hammered New Mexico 45-0, it was first time in ten tries this season that a Mountain West road underdog failed to cover; thats right, MWC road dogs are 9-1 against the spread in non-league games.
If you care about such things, Pac-12 favorites are 3-10 against spread.
5) However, since '93, Big Dozen teams are now a ludicrous 5-28-1 SU in regular season games, when visiting a Pac-12 foe; Wisconsin, Nebraska and Illinois all had unproductive trips west this weekend. .
4) I don't think any I-A teams should play I-AA teams, and if God forbid they lose to one, it should count as minus-1 win towards their going to a bowl game. Colorado-Colorado St.-UNLV all had such disasters this week.
3) Houston's offensive coordinator quit (got fired) last week; it didn't help the Cougars, who lost 56-49 at home to Louisiana Tech. For record, Houston was 53-77 for 580 yards passing- they gained 693 yards, but also 15 penalties for 138 yards. Big East can't be happy with this.
2) SMU beat SFAustin 52-0, in one of weirdest boxscores I've ever seen; Mustangs ran a blocked FG back for a TD, and also had three defensive TDs, three of their 10 takeaways. I've never seen a team turn ball over 10 times in one game. Hard to evaluate SMU from this mismatch.
1) Mississippi State got a monkey off its back, outgaining Auburn 388-216 in a surprisingly easy 28-10 win. Auburn's only TD came on opening kick of the second half. Huge win for Dan Mullen's program.
1a) This week, home favorites were 10-15 vs spread in non-league games, home underdogs were 6-4-1. Home favorites were 4-2 in conference play. .
13) Couple things that could push the NFL/referees’ standoff towards a conclusion: Firstly, the officials take in an average of $5,500 a week.
It’s a safe assumption that most of the refs are married, and the wives are going to start bitching about both the decrease in income, and having hubby home all weekend.
12) Secondly, other than the Jaguar-Viking game, which went OT, average length of Sunday’s games was 3:14, which is longer than what the TV gurus would like. TV gurus carry a lot of weight with NFL folks.
11) Speaking of which, Jerry Jones still hasn’t given up on the idea of an 18-game regular season; eventually, that’s going to be one way to get a much bigger TV contract, and making money is Jerry’s thing. I’d like it, but not sure the Players’ Union would go for it.
10) Jones’ Cowboys are practicing with piped-in crowd noise this week, to get ready for game Sunday in noisy Seattle.
9) There were 25 defensive pass interferences in Week 1, as much as in Week 1 of 2010/2011 combined; only 2 of 13 replay challenges resulted in the call being changed.
8) Underdogs dominated AFC West play LY, with dogs covering 11 of the 12 divisional games. Home favorites were an unsightly 0-10 against the spread in divisional games.
7) So much for training camp: Maurice Jones-Drew was in on 49 of 81 Jacksonville plays Sunday. Adrian Peterson played on 32 of Minnesota’s 59 snaps. Neither guy ran the ball in exhibition games this summer.
6) The “Fox 40” pea-less whistle, which almost all referees use now, makes a noise of 115 decibels; the old whistle, the one with the pea in it? That made a sound of 80 decibels.
5) Gary Bettman makes $8M a year as NHL Commissioner? Think he could name every NHL team and what division they’re in?
4) Phoenix Suns are hiring a new gorilla mascot for next season; the ideal candidate has a college degree and two years of previous mascot experience. Have to be a lot of people fitting that description hanging around the desert, looking for work.
3) Oakland A’s have nine home games left, three big series with Orioles-Texas-Seattle; they couldn’t sell any tickets Monday, because it’s the day of a Raider home game. Terrific.
2) How is Nike CEO Phil Knight in the Basketball Hall of Fame and Jerry Tarkanian isn’t? How does this make any sense? What would make sense are separate Halls of Fame for the NBA and college hoop.
1) Hawk Harrelson, arguably one of baseball's worst announcers (White Sox TV) is one of 41 finalists for the Ford Frick award, which is induction into Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
If he were to win, it’s a sure sign the Mayans were right and the apocalypse will be happening soon. Very soon.
-- Jerry Blevins escaped a 1st-and-3rd, none out jam in ninth inning to preserve the A's 6-5 win in Anaheim, their 11th straight road win. Game ended when Howie Kendrick bounced into a 5-4-3 double play.
-- Patrick Ewing wants to be an NBA head coach, but turned down a shot to coach the D-League team in Erie, PA, whose GM is Allan Houston. He thinks being a great player should get him an NBA head coaching job.
-- Michael Peck, coach of Findlay Prep in Las Vegas, left to become the head coach of Portland's D-League team in Idaho. He wants to prove his ability to coach professional players.
-- USC-Syracuse drew 39,000+ to Swamp Stadium Saturday; someone has to tell the Syracuse AD that their alums are mostly front runners who are basketball fans because the basketball team wins.
-- Mets ended streak of 110 consecutive innings at home without scoring multiple runs in any inning; its the second-longest streak in MLB history, behind the 1909 Washington Senators.
-- Greedy bastard update/incumbent politician alert: Gas is now $4.06 a gallon. I'm voting against all incumbents until this problem is taken care of. Not that anyone cares. lol
Like a jetlagged shitfaced Marc coming off the plane joining a dozen of Costa Rica's finest escorts once a month. Like winning a free trip to Ford field and having your picture taken with Matthew Stafford and an autographed signed plaque with endzone seats in an all expensed paid weekend featuring Detroit facing the Giants.
Let's not forget those who worhship CBS's 60 minutes that the extension to 4:25 games is just going to make their already revised extended primetime schedule all the more anticipated.
Not to worry about the faithful at the O.co Coliseum who may not make it during the Oakland wildcard stretch run. They're only averaging just over 20,000 fans on the average anyway. Let's hope the tide will turn during the bash brothers/Eck days where sellout crowds ruled the roost at a park that either needs the most extensive of renovations or perhaps an anticipated revisit of a move to San Jose.
" Uh oh, get up there, STRETCH...you can put it on the boooooaaarrrdddddd, YYYYYYEEEESSSSS!!!! "He gone".
Patrick Ewing unfortunately expected a head coaching job with the Knicks. I question the resilency and not to mention perhaps the consistency of guiding players on a team given his approach to speaking, intelligence and grammar. I mean have you ever heard some of his interviews when he was active? Repetitious, concise, and run of the mill 'what's best for the team' lingo without any motivation or the least bit of swagger. Modest yes, but even he has a right to recognize some of his career contributions regardless of being the one of many HOF players who did not win a Championship.
For the latest sports news, capper picks and tracker results, turn to JTG, the leader in BTB information
-- Rough day for the Big East Wednesday. Jim Calhoun is retiring on Thursday, ending a great coaching career. It ain't going to be easy to to replace him and keep UConn a top team.
-- Greedy bastard update: Notre Dame jumps from Big East to ACC for basketball, but of course they keep NBC's football money to themselves.
-- If I run NBC and am giving Notre Dame that much money, I'm telling them to either drastically upgrade their facilities or loosen their admission policies, in other words, I'm telling them to win more or get lost.
-- Cardinals got swept in San Diego, as smoking-hot Phillies moved within three games of the second Wild Card spot.
-- This was 11th time this season Kyle Lohse had 6+ IP, two or fewer earned runs and received a loss or a no-decision.
-- (Really) greedy bastard update: Price of gas went up a dime a gallon on Wednesday, from $4.06 to $4.16. These people are out of control.
Washington State (-13.5) pummeled UNLV 59-7 in Pullman LY, visits Strip this week after Rebels lost 17-14 at home to I-AA NAU, a horrific loss that puts Coach Hauck on hot seat. Coogs in first year under Leach, a passing wizard- this is first time since '06 they've been favored on road. Over last 4+ years, Wazzu is 2-21 SU on foreign soil. Coogs QB Tuel got hurt late in LW's shaky 24-20 win over I-AA Eastern Washington, a team that beat Idaho week before. Soph Halliday would be making 2nd career start. UNLV is 7-2-1 as home dog under Hauck, losing opener in OT to Minnesota this season. Mountain West underdogs are 10-1 vs spread so far this season; Pac-12 favorites are 3-10, 1-3 on road.
As we all learned yesterday, Notre Dame finally did it. They finally did what everyone wanted them to do and joined a conference. Those high priests finally put down Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography and stepped into the 21st century. What a relief it is to see them get with the times and hop aboard the SEC. Oh, it’s not the SEC? My bad, the Big Ten then! Not the Big Ten either, how about the Big 12? It has to be the Big 12, right? Wait, they joined the ACC? And they didn’t even include becoming a football member? So basically you’re telling me that nothing has changed except that they are moving from the Big East to the Atlantic Coast? Awesome.
What the fuck? Notre Dame infuriates me as a sports fan and if they don’t piss you off then you should stop coming here. Somehow, the Irish managed to get the ACC to give them full access to all of their potential bowl tie-ins just by giving them a scheduling promise of 5 games against their members per year. That fucking sucks. If I’m reading this right, a good Notre Dame team (LOL!) can potentially kick the ACC champ out of the Orange Bowl. STOP GIVING THESE ASSHOLES WHAT THEY WANT ALL THE TIME. I think that that is what bothers me the most. The Irish have been worthless at everything for over two decades and still get to call their own shots. It really is a sweetheart deal for the Irish:
*They can steal the Orange Bowl bid whenever they qualify and keep all the money for themselves..or not...I have no idea if this is true although initially I did. I will just assume that it is since it would be a very Brian Kelly thing to do
*If some sort of further dramatic shift happens in college football involving playoffs and conferences happens, they can just hop into bed with the conference
*The Big East was dying anyway
*While academics will always be an issue hard to overcome, they just opened themselves up to a ton of exposure from Atlanta to Miami and that hotbed of recruits
*Brian Kelly is a total shit heap but the asshole will take advantage of these newly opened doors
*They can still get fucked with that bullshit NBC deal for the rest of time.
All the while, the ACC gets a big name and national TV exposure five times per year that they will surely not take advantage of due to poor coaching and talent league-wide. I may hate it because of the parties involved, but everyone wins here. And that sucks.
Also from South Bend, and I haven’t talked about this yet even though the story is a few weeks old, that whole Allen Pinkett thing was/still is hilarious. Yes, that is what every team requires, AP, CRIMINALS! Pinkett must live in a world where Steve Walsh’s Miami Hurricanes still exist because having a bunch of thugs on your team almost never works and hasn’t for years. Pinkett is an idiot. Did he forget who he works for? Criminals and thugs at Notre Dame? Maybe on the coaching staff, but not on the field, buddy.
In conclusion, I hate Notre Dame. I always will. If you do not feel the same way then we can never be BFFs. As I’ve mentioned countless times, conference pride is for fags but when the Irish head to Lansing on Saturday (or the following week when they play Denard), it is perfectly acceptable to root for your conference foes to beat them by a 100. Running up the score (still douchey and always will be) is also perfectly acceptable to do against Brian Kelly.
By the way, I just sort of skimmed through the DEETS of this deal so if I'm forgetting anything juicy (I heard that the conference was trying to push through a 50 million dollar buyout if anyone tries to leave) then let me know. If not then fuck the Irish. [/B]