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12) Hey the woeful Colts have three primetime games in Weeks 3-7; network executives have to be loving that. That’s nine hours of watching Jim Caldwell staring blankly into space watching Kerry Collins play QB. Not exactly the duty he signed up for.
11) Maybe Indy fans will drink more, which will help vendors at Lucas Oil Stadium, since a Game Day beer in Indy is the most expensive beer in the NFL. Beer at Swamp Stadium in New Jersey is second. Who has the cheapest beer? Houston-Atlanta-Cleveland.
10) If the Red Sox continue on their monumental late season collapse, at what point does Carl Crawford’s complete no-show this year become an issue? Guys who runs like that makes $20M a year and has an on-base percentage under .300? Time for him to wake up and earn his money.
9) Speaking of Boston and bad contracts, they’re stuck with John Lackey for the next three years, for a total of $46M. How would you like to be the guy who negotiated that deal for the Red Sox?
8) I had forgotten that Kerry Wood once struck out 20 guys in a game, and in only his fifth major league start.
7) How bad is Memphis in football? They were losing 44-3 at Arkansas State Saturday (not Razorbacks, Arkansas State in Jonesboro, a freakin’ Sun Belt team), and the Red Hawks tried (and made) a 57-yard FG in the last minute. Is the ASU coach angling for the Memphis job down the road, as in like, November? They must recruit against each other.
6) Worlds colliding: this week on Storage Wars, poker star Phil Hellmuth makes a guest appearance. I’m guessing he could outbid obnoxious Dave Hester for a locker.
5) Late Sunday night, the Mets had winning run on second base in a tie game with two out and Lucas Duda up; Cubs walked Duda intentionally to pitch to David Wright; I damn near fell off the couch. They got him out, too. Wondering if the Mets move Wright for pitching help this winter.
4) With Phillies visiting Houston this week, seems like a good time to remind Astro fans that their team is 5-20 this year in games started by former Phillie JA Happ. Nice trade.
3) Falcon QB Matt Ryan was sacked five times in Chicago Sunday; he was sacked 23 times all of last season.
2) Someone on ESPN.com pointed out that when an NFL team leads by 14 points with 14:50 left to play, their expected win percentage is 96%. Not as many big comebacks as you’d think in pro football; we just remember those games better.
1) Former Bronx manager/current MLB executive Joe Torre didn’t let the Mets wear NYPD and NYFD hats during their game Sunday night, to protect the licensing rights of MLB’s partners; this is an epic fail on MLB’s part, even though they’re right, if you follow the letter of the law.
MLB also wouldn’t let Nationals wear Navy SEALS hats during a game last month. I know they have to draw the line somewhere, but guessing they’d draw it on the correct side of police-fire-military personnel, I was wrong. Go figure.
Week two of college football in the books, buttscabs and penis wrinkles. And lucky for all you fucks, you get to hear from me on the day Ryan is celebrating the birth of his 2nd daughter. Let's get to some college football awards from a pretty exciting Saturday.
Pussy Magnet award - Marcus Lattimore (South Carolina)
I was torn here at first and heavily considered Denard Robinson for his 4th quarter heroics against the catholic pedophiles. But then I remembered that Denard looked like a drunk, one legged Thai prostitute running that offense for two and a half quarters. Someone who only dominates a third of the game doesn't deserve this prestigious award. So I give it to Mr. Lattimore who was impressive almost throughout. He only had one score, but when SC needed a play, Lattimore delivered. When they needed a first down to ice the game, Lattimore churned his fat little thighs to glory. He was a big reason the Cocks stormed into Athens to steal a road game in the always tough SEC. And Stephen Garcia owes him a hand job.
Colostomy Bag award - Garrett Gilbert (Texas)
I didn't get a chance to watch any of this game, but all I need to know is that Gilbert was pulled for Case McCoy who had to orchestrate a come from behind win against the God people of BYU. If getting benched for ol' Doe Eyes, Jr. wasn't humiliating enough, Mack Daddy Brown really rammed the fucking stick home when he decided to throw a Freshman in there as well. Just a little something extra to show you exactly how worthless you really are. I wouldn't be surprised if Gilbert hanged himself after the game with his mother's stripping thong. Mainly, I guess I'm just pissed at Gilbert for handing announcers Homofest 2.o on a platter. I can't fuckin wait for the commentators to ear blast us about how Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley wash each other's privates post game in the team locker room the way their older brothers Colt and Jordan used to. Did Colt and Jordan ceremoniously pass down the studded double sided dildo to their younger brothers? We can only wonder.
I Guess You're Okay award - Casey Pachall (TCU)
I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's got tats, looks like he's trying for white guy surfer hair and he doesn't catch on fire and blow up like a vampire hitting the sun unlike his albino predecessor Ginger Dalton. I bet he calls his dick "The Horned Frog" when trying to get laid at house parties. He just comes off as a super cool dude I would want to get drunk with. I fully believe he encourages tomfoolery and fucks with people that pass out early like bitches. And that's mainly why I like him. Oh yeah...and he's not a bad quarterback either.
I Bet You're a Sex Offender award - Michael Floyd (Notre Dame)
I hate everything about this guy. Two years in a row I've had to watch him assault Michigan's secondary all while being a major cockface about it. He's a walking hemorrhoid. I can't wait for some schmuck NFL owner to draft this guy in the top 10 next year only to cut his ass 3 years and 35 catches later. Because you know this dick rash is leaving after this season. Who wants to stick around to watch Brian Kelly murder some no-name Freshman with a yard maker next year? Notre Dame WRs and QBs are all in the same class...massively overrated and NFL busts waiting to happen. When was the last time any catholic baby raper WR made an impact at the next level? Fuckin Tim Brown? In a few years Floyd can join his life partner Golden Taint in the unemployment line jockeying for position with crack heads. They can suck each other's dicks for nutrition while they wait for a check from the Government. Go get another DUI, you vagina blister.
For Realsies award - Wisconsin
I'm fuckin buying big time. Bringing Russell Wilson into that environment and that offense is like traveling back 150 years and bringing Uzis, tanks and assault rifles into the Civil War battlefields unexpectedly. People don't know how the fuck to react. Cry, run, scream, shit, swear, laugh, pray? It's a potpourri of emotion right now. Wisconsin has been "married for 40 years missionary sex" on offense since the beginning of time and bringing a black, athletic quarterback shows they're ready to get with the now and remove the segregated bathrooms on campus in Madison. I know they haven't really played anyone yet but blanking a shitty PAC-12 team is way more impressive than shutting out an average Sun Belt team. I would not be shocked to see the Badgers playing for the title this year.
This Is My Shocked Face award - Virginia Tech
I know. They won. But should they have? I say nay. Rubberface Beamer needed a touchdown late in the 4th quarter to put away a God awful East Carolina team. As a "national title contender" that performance was more pathetic than that neck skin patch job Beamer's surgeon is passing off as grade A work. Looks like someone used fabric from a bean bag chair. Or a truck driver butt cheek skin. Now, I just looked at V-Tech's schedule for the remainder of the year and it is filled with some shit bombs. I think Wake Forest actually starts two guys that died last year. Having said that, I fully believe the Hoakies will drop at least 2 games this year. To whom remains a mystery but I know it won't be a home game since V-Tech is one of the best at home in all of college football. So that leaves Marshall, Wake Forest, Duke, Georgia Tech and Virginia. My hunch says Duke and the Jackets.
Tons of great games and nailbiters for a lot of the teams the commenter's follow this week (OSU, Michigan, Georgia). This is why we love college football. Some of us are relieved and live to fight another day and some of us have voodoo dolls of Mark Richt with 30 pins stuck where his dick hole would be. My personal apology goes out to any Dawg fans for giving your Dawgs the kiss of death this year. But buck up there chap, there's no way Richt keeps his job after this year. Like Larry Johnson's girlfriend, just take a few more solid licks and wait for the authorities to show up to lock his ass up forever.