You are using an old web browser. Such browsers do not support modern web technologies and do not offer proper security. Please update your browser or download one of the others suggested for free.
Mozilla Firefox |
Google Chrome |
Internet Explorer |
Monday's List of 13: Wrapping up a sports sunday..........
13) If the PGA Tour makes a highlight film of the first two months of this season, they better title it "Choking Dogs" because thats what players in the lead have done on Sundays all this month. Sunday was Robert Allenby who gagged away a winner's paycheck, double-bogeying 18 when he had a two-stroke lead. Allenby had earned over $26M in his career, but he hasn't won a tournament on the PGA Tour in 11 years.
12) Allenby did an interview on Golf Channel before the playoff, which is unusual, then he signed autographs. How about hitting balls on the range? He seems like a great guy, but if you had him in a pool Sunday, chances are you'd like to smack him in the head right about now.
11) Robert Griffin III ran 4.41 40-yard dash at the Combine, Andrew Luck ran a 4.66, Kellen Moore ran a 4.94, none of which means a hill of beans when it comes to being an NFL quarterback. Anyone remember what a guy named Tom Brady ran in his 40-yard dash at the Combine? Try 5.23.
10) Craig Robinson is now 55-62 in four years at Oregon State, as Beavers have now lost five games in a row in another late-season swoon. If you're the AD at Oregon State, are you happy with Robinson, and if you're not, how do you go about firing the President's brother-in-law?
I mean, the Pac-12 stinks this year, and in a year Oregon State was hyped to be improved, they're 5-11 in league play. Thats not progress.
9) If you like the Red Sox, there's a lot of good spring training coverage on the NESN channel, with a two-hour show live on Sunday mornings. Think they have a show on at 6pm weeknights.
8) Speaking of Boston, any Red Sox fan who has one ill word to say about Terry Francona is an ungrateful nitwit who chooses to forget what a joke the team was before Francona took over and won two world titles.
Bobby Valentine will micro-manage and ban chicken in the clubhouse and let everyone know how smart he is, but he ain't won anything, except one NL title with the Mets; Francona owns two World Series rings.
7) NBA All-Star Game was 88-69 at the half, which means I didn't miss a damn thing by not watching. Just once, some billionaire should put up a huge sum of money and say winner takes all, and see how hard these guys play. Its insulting that they don't even try to play defense until the fourth quarter. Baseball is still the sport best-suited for All-Star play- its an individual sport.
6) Speaking of the NBA, how do they hold a 3-point shooting contest and not have Steve Novak in it? Kyle Korver? Steve Nash? How do they have a dunking contest without JaVale McGee?
5) I say this a lot, but its true; a 64-man 1-on-1 tournament over All-Star weekend would be very big. Two guys from each team, other four guys chosen from Internet vote. Who wouldn't watch this?
4) The 1949 Motor City Open had an 11-hole playoff, the longest playoff in PGA Tour history; Sunday's playoff at Mayakoba tied for 2nd all-time longest playoff, at eight holes.
3) If you like wagering on politics, Democrats are -$220 in the Presidential election in November; Republicans are +$200.
2) Greedy bastard update: At corner near my house, the price at the cruddy Mobil station is $3.95 a gallon; less than a mile away, at another cruddy Mobil station, it is $4.05. Can't wait to see what the price goes to when the weather gets better around the country.
1) Conference tournaments start this week; there are three in Las Vegas, one in Atlantic City, one in Hot Springs, AR, which apparently means it is fun to visit Hot Springs. Never been to Arkansas myself.
Disclaimer in case any of these people end up dead: This is a work of fiction and is not meant to be taken literally in any way, shape or form. It is merely for entertainment purposes only within a group of degenerate assholes with a disgusting since of humor. Again...I do not plan to harm any of the individuals mentioned so lighten the fuck up.
Alright. Because most of you are crybaby faggots who can't handle a few NBA posts without pissing in your Huggies, I guess I'll cave and write something a little more reader friendly. I went 10-2 last week and won 9 of my last 10 games posted on the weekly express. Now for many of you thats a good week, for me thats a good year in baskets. And I get absolutely no fucking love from any of you. So I will take my venom out on some others.
This post is about sweet, delicious blind violence. Just straight up murdering fuckers who totes deserve it for reasons that can only be justified in my head. We all have that list of people tucked safely away in the crazy part of our brains who we would like to do terrible shit to. Today is your chance to let the insane out for a nice afternoon walk in the park. Real or fictional people are in play here so let's see who you hate the most in the comment section. But first...Here's my list.
4. Flo from the Progressive commercials. I fucking HATE this bitch with every fiber of my body. I punched a wall once because of this worthless whore. Not really...but I thought really, really hard about it. When any Progressive commercial comes on in my car I violently shut the radio off and drive in silence with my jaw clenched for a good 5 miles thinking about how amazing it would feel to strangle the life from this woman. That's between 50 and 100% true. I want to make sure that I don't accidentally catch the tail end of her caustic fucking babble. If I ever see this bitch in public it's gonna take a heavy force to hold back the vaginal uppercut I've been warming up for her.
3. Adam Levine. Whenever I hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" I black out completely and instantly. When I finally come to, the room I'm in is completely destroyed and there is always at least one dead animal that's been skinned with blood on the walls spelling out something in some undecipherable dead language. GOD! I fucking hate this guy. If I ever snapped one day from constant exposure to this band that is certain to be played on repeat in my version of Hell, I would imagine I would stab this son of a bitch at least 47 times. How anyone can enjoy this band is fully beyond me. If you like a vocalists who sounds like he's choking himself with his own mother's dirty stripper thong, then saddle up! Because this asshole is Fozzy Bear with his testicles firmly secured in a C-clamp. Go drown yourself in Christina Aguilera's belly fat.
2. The "That's So __ Seconds Ago" guys in the commercial. Well...I mean, all of them can die for all I care because they're all fucking terrible ass people for agreeing to shoot such a stupid commercial for an even shittier cell phone company. But specifically, the two original assholes at the football game with their beaks jammed into their smart phones trying to find a way to have a sexual relationship with them. Hey. Here's an idea. Pocket the phone and at go interact with something not controlled by a fucking battery. Go spark up a conversation with a girl so you can start your 8 month plan of moving out of your parents house. But take it slow guys. I wouldn't want the first sign of actual cleavage that isn't seen on your smart phone to suck so much blood into your cock that it explodes your heart. Oh wait. Yes, I do want that actually.
1. Anderson Varejao. If you need a reminder of why this guy deserves to die just watch this. Just typing that name ups the temperature of my skin five degrees. I think jail would be a pretty decent consolation prize knowing that I've done Americans across the nation a great service. Shit...I doubt I would even do time murdering someone so despicable. Here's my question, though. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU STOP TOUCHING EVERYONE?? Jesus Christ! Have you seen this fuckin guy on the court with his team mates? It's like he's constantly torched on ecstasy. Kyrie Irving nails a 15 footer and Varejao is trying to feel him up for the next 90 feet down the court. Maybe it's customary in Brazil to be a raging homosexual on the basketball court but in America doing things like grab assing your team mates and touching another man's nipples are completely off limits. Keep your fucking hands to yourself you disgusting Brazilian grope machine. Go back to doing ridiculous shit like this and giving lustful gazes that showcase your longing desire for boners.
There you go. A list of worthy candidates to face justified homicide. You get meaningless rants about people I would possibly murder if given the chance. I hope you're happy...it's gonna take a couple month of therapy to cage this aggression and being in this cast all month has actually helped create the anger. Let's end on a happy note. Watch this. That bitch Varetwat doesn't even budge with a direct cock shot which further proves my point that Andy is flat like a Ken doll...or he has a vagina. Fitting for someone who shoots like a girl and acts like a cunt. Enjoy.
Tuesday's List of 13: Nobody asked me, but.........
13) If you look at 25 NBA games this season where a team was playing for third night in a row, we see that 16 of those 25 games (64%) stayed under the total.
12) You break down teams playing three nights in a row, their pointspread results look like this:
1st night: 17-8 vs spread.
2nd night: 10-15 vs spread.
3rd night: 12-10-3 vs spread.
11) The NBA should hold its All-Star Game on an aircraft carrier, the way North Carolina played Michigan State back in November; it’s a damn playground game anyway, why not play it outside, in front of our troops?
10) Lakers are 10-5 against the spread when they’re favored at home, only 1-5 when they’re favored on foreign soil.
9) How do NFL scouts judge receivers from Georgia Tech? They almost never throw the ball, so you can’t use game film, except to see how they block.
8) Supposedly the Mets’ payroll this season will be around $92M, roughly $50M less than LY, the biggest single-season payroll deduction in baseball history.
7) Joie Chitwood is the president of Daytona Speedway; when we were kids, we always referred to Chitwood anytime we talked about reckless driving. Back then, he either drove in demolition derbies or did some commercials or something that involved stunt driving. It was funny to see his name today.
6) FOX drew a 4.5 rating for its NASCAR coverage Sunday afternoon, when there was no race to show because of rain.
5) Out of the 26 people in my buddies golf pool, four had Eldrick Woods this week in the Match Play event. Always interesting to see how people deal with Woods now that he’s just another guy.
4) None of them had Hunter Mahan, but a couple people had Zach Johnson, who played Mahan in the first round. Whoops.
3) Bubba Watson got bounced from Match Play tournament and wound up on the Georgia Bulldogs’ bench for a women’s basketball game; coach Andy Landers let him call a timeout. Watson’s wife Angie played ball for Georgia and also in the WNBA.
2) Why is the MAAC basketball tournament in Springfield? There aren’t any MAAC teams in Massachusetts.
1) From everything I read about the NFL Scouting Combine this weekend, Robert Griffin III did the Rams a huge favor; some team is going to pay heavily to move up to the 2nd slot to draft him.
SPOOKY SAYS, THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WILL BE WON BY..............
There are eight stats you can use right now to narrow your list of potential champions. Every single one of the last 10 champs have:
• Earned a one, two or three seed
• Come from a Power conference (ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 or SEC)
• Been led by a coach with more than five tourney trips and at least one Elite Eight run
• Either went to the previous year’s dance or had an All-American
• Averaged more than 73 points per game
• Allowed fewer than 73 points per game
• Owned an average scoring margin of at least seven points per game.
• Played a schedule among the 75 strongest in the country
At this point, seven teams have the statistical chops to be champs: Kentucky, Syracuse, Kansas, Duke, North Carolina, Ohio State, and Florida.
In fact, only four of 27 champions have averaged fewer than 77 points a game. Until last year, only one of the previous 21 champs had scored so low. If you believe that this year’s champ follow in the offensive footsteps of 85 percent of its counterparts, then there are really just four candidates at this point: Kentucky, Duke, North Carolina and Florida. Not Syracuse. Not Kansas. And not Ohio State.