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SPOOKY BONUSES, CONTESTS, SELECTIONS AND THIRSTY THURSDAY NFL EXPRESS
-- According to reports, if the Big 12 collapses and Iowa State/Baylor get bounced outside the BCS, it could cost the schools as much as $17M a year, which is why they're trying to keep the Big 12 afloat.
-- Depending on who you believe, the SEC will pursue either Missouri or West Virginia as its 14th team.
-- Guillermo Moscoso tossed seven perfect innings, beating Royals 7-0 Wednesday. At one point, over a two-game stretch, Moscoco retired an Oakland A's-record 30 straight batters.
-- A's pitcher Brandon McCarthy is 27 years old; he is 8-7, 3.41 with a WHIP of 1.16 this year, making only $1M this year. He's earned a nice contract for next year; unfortunately, it probably won't be in Oakland.
-- Why does the Clippers' Chris Kaman play for the German national hoop team? Better question: why does he make $12M a year?
-- NHL regular season starts four weeks from tonight.
Thursday's List of 13: Things I'm looking for in the NFL....
13) Will Carson Palmer really retire, leaving million$ on the table? Will the Bengals refuse to trade him and let him retire, weakening their team for no reason other than stubbornness? Who roots for this team?
12) Eli Manning isn’t mobile. Giants’ offensive line is in flux for first time since Eli has played in the Swamp, plus he lost two of his favorite receivers during the offseason. Are the naysayers right? Will it be a down year for the G-Men?
11) Think its going be an enormous year for Adrian Peterson; think the new coaching staff will take heat off Donovan McNabb by running the ball and utilizing their best offensive weapon. Fantasy owners can thank me later.
10) Can Wade Phillips improve the Texans defense enough for Houston to win the AFC South and save Gary Kubiak’s job?
9) ESPN’s Merrill Hoge think the Bills are much-improved and can finish 8-8. While I have great respect for Mr Hoge, I’m skeptical of any team whose starting QB didn’t get a college scholarship to play football.
8) David Garrard will never be mistaken for Dan Marino, but why hasn’t he been scooped up by another NFL team? When did Jacksonville decide they didn’t want him around anymore? If you tell me they made this decision less than a week before the season opener, I’ll tell you nitwits are calling the shots down there.
7) Can Norv Turner avoid another 2-3 start? Seriously, given their early schedule, if the Chargers start 2-3 again, Norv will be home giving out candy to the neighborhood kids on Halloween.
6) Just don’t see Chad85Johnson and Bill Belichick lasting a whole season together; Johnson is an attention addict, a player whose performance doesn’t come near living up to the publicity he generates. Belichick isn't fond of guys like that. We’ll see, but ol’ Chad could be back at Santa Monica College coaching the WR’s before this season is over.
5) Arizona finished 31st in passing yardage LY; seeing as there are 32 NFL teams, they gave Kevin Kolb a $63.5M contract to be the savior under center. We’ll see if he’s worth it.
4) Dallas Cowboys definitely have the NFL’s best stadium, but they’ve won one playoff game in the last 14 years, so now they’ve got another new coach. I’d feel better about the Pokes if Tony Romo had been organizing offseason workouts for his teammates, instead of playing golf.
3) Carolina has a rookie coach and a rookie QB whose backups are Derek Anderson/Jimmy Clausen; who thinks this season is going to end well for them? Me neither.
2) The best rivalry in the NFL is Saints-Falcons; they’re also two of the three best NFC teams, and they play on Monday night in Week 16, the night after Christmas. Game could very well be for the NFC South title.
1) For years I’ve sworn Colts would be 4-12 without Peyton Manning; now we get to find out. Have the feeling Jim Caldwell is going to think he’s back at Wake Forest, the way Indy is going to get smoked by revenge-minded rivals. At least until #18 is healthy again.
Drunk Joe Namath will always be the best.
The NFL kicks off its season tomorrow. Hell yes. When you hear the glass, it's your ass! And with the beginning of every sport comes a new set of predictions. Since the AFC is void of much craziness usually (since the same culprits make the playoffs every year), we'll start the NFL predictions there.
It never fails. Every season, 5 or 6 teams that made the playoffs in the previous season fail to meet expectations the next year. So who sucks this year? Well, we can forget about the Seahawks and Chiefs to get back already. No way those teams make it back to January. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's get to the rundowns.
1. Patriots 12-4 - Blah, blah, blah. New England is predictable. Win the division and then lose a home game in the playoffs. It will happen again because they can't get to the quarterback and they aren't physical.
2. Jets* 11-5 - The Jets aren't getting better but they are getting older. I love Rex but fuck Fireman Ed.
3. Bills 8-8 - Here we go. They may be a surprise. I had the Chiefs winning the West last year when no one else did and this is my call now. Yes, I am buying stock in the Toronto Bills. They're due.
4. Dolphins 4-12 - Chad Henne. Bring back Jay Fiedler.
1. Ravens 11-5 - You can flip a coin as to who wins this division.
2. Steelers* 10-6 - I kind of didn't want to put them as a playoff team this year because, recently, Pittsburgh blows the year after they go to the Super Bowl. They get bad bounces. They miss crucial field goals (and will this year). They have the oldest defense in the league by far. That can't be good. This might be the final title push for this current group of Steeler defenders.
3. Browns 7-9 - They're still going to kind of suck cocks and if Hillis gets hurt, this is a 3 win team, but they'll play hard and won't be a pushover. I've heard about enough of this "Colt McCoy is going to be a good NFL QB" nonsense though. The new kickoff rule hurts the Browns since they rely on Josh's Cribbs to bust one every game.
4. Bengals 1-15 - Quite possibly the worst offense ever assembled. And they are so stupid that when they get the #1 pick, they will pass on Luck for some 380 pound OL from the SEC.
1. Texans 10-6 - Book it. They have the best playmakers in the division and a competent Wade Phillips running the defense now. They don't even need Arian Foster to win the South.
2. Colts 8-8 - At least they will sell a lot of XXXXL sweater vests in Indiana this Fall. I didn't like this team before Pey-Pey needed a new neck. I sure as hell don't like them now. They don't draft well. It's just a franchise on the down slope. It happens.
3. Titans 6-10 - Matt Hasselbeck is worse than a sober Kerry Collins. Tennessee has the worst uniforms in all of sports. Fuck them.
4. Jaguars 4-12 - Cutting your starting QB less than a week before the first game? That's fucking terrible business. Whichever McCown they are going with is terrible. Jack Del Rio deserves to be fired. He is no Alberto Del Rio.
1. Chargers 11-5 - Norv is coaching for the job that he never should have gotten in the first place. I see 2011 being a revenge year for the Bolts.
2. Broncos 8-8 - They'll be a little better. That's all I have to say about them.
3. Raiders 6-10 - Last year was a fluke. Yeah, I said it. They will be cosmically punished for unfairly firing Tom Cable and drafting Terrelle Pryor.
4. Chiefs 6-10 - Speaking of flukes, Matt Cassel is fucking terrible. Any coach who thinks that Thomas Jones should get as many carries as Jamaal Charles is a toolshed. Bring back Christian Okoye.
Playoffs: Give me the Chargers over the Ravens.
We'll do the awards, too.
MVP - Marmalard Rivers and Mario Williams
ROY - Julio Jones and Ryan Kerrigan (double digit sacks)
Coach - Norm "you've got to be kidding" Turner
Is there a better match-up to open the NFL season than the one we get tonight? Both teams have awesome offenses and good enough defenses. I've said it before and I'll say it again, watching the Steelers and Ravens play is worse than getting a prostate exam. Neither team moves the ball and the punters end up playing way too big of a role in those games. Give me a 31-28 game any day...which is why I'm going to love tonight's contest.
Let's get going with the NFC.
1. Cowboys 10-6 - Dude, look at their schedule. 4 against the NFC West, 2 against the Skins, the Bills and 'Phins at home, the Panthers, and the Vikes. That is fucking cake. Yes, Dallas is going to win the division.
2. Eagles 10-6* - It won't be as easy as the back-up QB just assumes it will be. Vick will get hurt. Andy Reid will continue to be a terrible coach. They can have as many sick corners as they want just as long as they can't stop the run. This team will probably not win the NFC. Anyone want to bet against that?
3. Redskins 6-10 - NFL.com's Mike Lombardi has picked the Skins to win the East. What a smart man. All along I have felt that this team was going to be rotten, but now I think they'll be better than that. I know it's just preseason, but the ones beat up the ones from Pitt, Bal, Indy, and Tampa. So I'll give the Skins a few more wins than I initially thought and thus fuck themselves out of Luck.
4. Giants 6-10 - No one is healthy. They have the worst QB in the league. Coughlin gets fired.
1. Packers 11-5 - They could win this division with Matt Flynn. None of these teams are even close to being as talented as GB.
2. Lions 9-7 - I keep hearing how this team is going to make the leap this year. It would be awesome but I really need to be a bit realistic. Don't be that dumbass who believes in the Lions before they prove anything. Being a fan for over 40 years and seeing them win 1 playoff game in my lifetime I have to be a bit cautiously optimistic. While Schwartz and Suh should have their own TV show, Detroit still can't defend the pass, run the ball, or protect their quad-chinned QB o' glass. So if they can correct that dont be surprised to see them challenge Green Bay. But I need to be cautiously optimistic I said.
3. Vikings 7-9 - Donovan wins just enough games for people to think that he can still play. Whatever, the Vikings are boring as shit.
4. Bears 5-11 - Everything went their way last year. Prime won't like this pick, but facts are facts. They all stayed healthy and got all the bounces last season. Things tend to even out which it will this year. Cutler is going to get killed behind that line (which probably isn't a bad thing).
1. Saints 12-4 - Why isn't anyone talking about these guys this year? They got better in the offseason through free agency and the draft. They made the playoffs last year with their EIGHTH string running back! I expect a monster from NO in 2011.
2. Falcons 10-6* - Atlanta is like the Bears except that they are good and don't have an emo faggot under center. Basically, just flip what happened to them and the Saints the year before.
3. Buccaneers 9-7 - Just watch and see. I kind of like this team and think they could have a good year. They always seem to go under the radar and this year may be no exception. Too many teams that just dont overwhelm me in the NFC this year and they could surprise.
4. Panthers 4-12 - I am contractually obligated to hate whichever team employs Jeremy Shockey. I like how the Panthers racist owner told Cam that he wasn't allowed to get tattoos. The NFL needs some open and honest anti-thuggery.
1. Rams 8-8 - True story: when Jim Ross is introduced before Raw comes on the air, there are about 10 Sam Bradford highlights on the TitanTron while the Oklahoma fight song is played. That's all I need to know to pick the Rams to win.
2. Cardinals 7-9 - Beanie Wells gets hurt by week 4 and Chester "The Molester" Taylor takes over the job for good. Why? Toledo > Ohio State.
3. 49ers 5-11 - A team with P-Will on defense, Gore/Vernon/Crabtree/Braylon on offense, and Jim Harbaugh shouldn't be bad...but they will be. Welcome to San Fran, Landry Jones, your mustache will be welcomed on Castro Street.
4. Seahawks 3-13 - Congrats to you, Pete Carroll, you just got yourself some Andrew Luck.
Playoffs: Give me Lions over the Saints. When I wake up I honestly think that Green Bay, Philadelphia or New Orleans will not be in the Super Bowl so why not.
Super Bowl: Lions 30, Chargers 20. And there you have it. Enjoy the NFL season, faggots and homos.