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SPOOKY LETTING YOU KNOW ITS BOWL SEASON BITCHES, BUT THIS IS THE NFL EXPRESS
The Worst Of Week Fourteen
To week 14's crap-a-palooza. First stop: Heinz Field AKA America's Toilet!
Bruce Arians - The much-maligned and oft-criticized Steelers OC is pretty much rotten. I'm not even talking about his 4 goalline stuffs either. STOP RUNNING CHARITY PLAYS FOR HINES WALD. He's done. He can't play anymore. When he does get a catch, he fumbles. The Steelers have what could be the next Wayne and Harrison with Wallace and Brown, there is no need to waste plays on Smiry Joe.
James Harrison - Killing Colt McCoy was shockingly not illegal...but leading with the crown of the head was. When will you learn, you big dumbfuck? I don't think that the NFL should suspend him though. Speaking of that play...
The Browns Doctors - Good job letting McCoy keep playing! You do know that it's your job to protect him from himself, right? Staph infections and now concussions...the Browns treat their players right! By the way, this football games was a goddamn embarrassment to the NFL. Shit.
Big Ben haters - You've got to give him credit even if you hate him as a person: the guy is a fucking warrior.
Pacman Jones - There he is! There's the man we all know and love committing a huge penalty that led to a late, heart-breaking Bengals loss.
TJ Yates's parents - So nice of their starting QB son getting his folks some seats two rows from the sun. Was it possible for CBS to show these people any more?
The agility of Matt Hasselbeck - It's always awesome to see someone get hurt doing nothing.
The constant wussification of the NFL - I hope that you all saw that bullshit personal foul penalty that Jeff Triplette and crew gave to London Fletcher on precious Tommy Brady. Brady forgets to slide. Fletch crushes him cleanly. Flag thrown for a forearm to the head even though a forearm did not touch Brady in the head. That is some bullshit. I would not have mentioned if Brady had not pissed away a couple of scores and covered the game for us.
Game-planning against the Patriots - I don't understand how Rob Gronkowski continues to be so wide open. He is the only threat in that offense that can beat you beyond 10 yards. Jim Haslett's defense appeared to not even know who he was.
Pissypants Tom Brady - Awwww, did the pretty boy not like it when his coach called him out for throwing a shitty pass? Get fucked in the butt, Brady. You know who throws tantrums on the sideline? T.O. I can't wait for New England to lose their first playoff game this year. I mean, serial, who let's the Redskins score 27 points???
Late game bonanza! - The Raiders look like a bottom-feeding Pac-12 team. The Packers are still going to run the table. The Niners lost a classic letdown game that everyone saw coming. Kevin Kolb The Hut blows. The Bills are shit. Now that that is out of the way...
Marion Barber - He lost that game. Going out of bounds out of sheer stupidity and fumbling when the game was over. Lance Briggs should kill him on the flight home. And he might.
TEBOW-FUCKING-MANIA!!! - Holy shit. This just keeps happening...EVERY WEEK. Unreal stuff. I'm buying into it big time. This is something special that we're seeing. Yeah, he was butt-herpes in the first three quarters. Ya know what, doesn't matter. I am now fully in love with Tim Tebow (if I wasn't already). I wish that I was a Broncos fan. Haters still gonna hate, but Tebow is still gonna win. I still can't believe that that just happened. UNREAL.
What the fuck, NFL - Why wasn't New England @ Tebow flexed into the Sunday Night game next week? Ravens/Chargers isn't bad, I guess, but AMERICA DEMANDS PRIMETIME TEBOW, DAMMIT!!!
Raise your hand if you're were pumped for last nights awesome Rams/Seahawks game! By the way, ESPN paid over a billion dollars to show games this epic.
Tuesday's List of 13: Our NFL top 8, bottom 5 teams.......
32) Colts—Peyton Manning is owed a $28M (yes, $28M) roster bonus in March; if Colts give it to him, the last four years of his contract kick in; awful lot of cash to give to a 36-year old who has had multiple neck operations since last time he played.
31) Rams— Why is it that three of worst teams (Vikings-Rams-Jaguars) have three of the best RBs (Peterson/Jackson/Jones-Drew)? Because it’s a passing league now, due to the recent rule changes.
30) Vikings—Those double digit halftime leads Minnesota blew back in September seem like an awful long time ago now. If I was Joe Webb, I’d spend the entire winter/spring becoming a more accurate passer, because there’s a job to be won here.
29) Browns—Courtside seats at Cavalier games are now only $3 a game cheaper than when Lebron James played for the Cavs. That would be called price-gouging.
28) Buccaneers—Wonder what would happen if they asked Jon Gruden to come back. Or his brother Jay (OC with Bengals).
8) Falcons—At 2:30 Sunday, they looked like a dead team. By 4:00, they had a good road win in their pocket. Week 16 game with Saints is as usual, a biggie, in NFL' most underrated rivalry.
7) 49ers-- Amazing how they dominate field position, but not often an NFL team loses when they’re +3 in turnovers. They did Sunday.
6) Texans—Good for Gary Kubiak. Good for the owner for not firing Kubiak LY. Good for Wade Phillips- he saved Kubiak’s job this year.
5) Steelers—Mainstream media can blab about Eli Manning all they want, and Eli is terrific, but I’ll Big Ben over him any day.
4) Ravens—Weird Week 15 schedule, with only three divisional games on the slate; they’ll make up for it the last two weeks, with tons of divisional rivalry games.
3) Saints—Have been ordinary on road, outdoors; may have to win at Candlestick/Lambeau on consecutive weekends to get to Super Bowl.
2) Patriots—Its been seven years since they’ve won a Super Bowl, and realization that winning one this year is a stretch might’ve been evident in suburban Maryland Sunday, with QB/coach blowup.
1) Packers—14-5 against the spread in last 19 games, all wins, all taking the other team’s best shot. Curious to see how they approach Week 16/ 17 rivalry games against contenders Bears and Lions.
Wednesday's List of 13: Nobody asked me, but........
13) Ironic that the Lions benefitted from a non-call on last play of their win over the Vikings Sunday; in their last three games, Detroit has 32 penalties for 265 yards, their opponents 15 for 121; you could make a strong argument that the NFL has targeted Lions because of their alleged dirty play that hasn’t been policed by their coaching staff.
12) Curious to see who gets to ref Detroit-Oakland game this weekend; in their last seven games, Raiders have 75 penalties for 636 yards, their opponents 58 for 447. First team to ten flags wins.
11) A friend of mine reports from Long Island that there are 2012 New York Mets calendars on the shelf in stores that have been there for last seven weeks, with no pictures of Jose Reyes in them, so its safe to assume the team never planned on trying to re-sign their former shortstop. Good thing it was not my tax dollars that helped fund their new $850M ballpark, since they’re making no effort to win.
10) In other words, if former used car dealer Alan R. Selig got rid of the owners in Arlington and LA, he should get rid of the hideous Wilpons too. They recently borrowed another $40M to stay afloat. Terrific.
9) Supposedly, the Angels’ first contact with Albert Pujols’ agent was roughly 48 hours before he signed with the team. Doesn’t usually work that way. Wonder what would’ve happened if Tony Larussa was still managing the Redbirds?
8) In 52 years of football, the Cowboys have lost five games when they led by 12+ points in the 4th quarter; three of those five games have been this season.
7) So San Diego State is in the Big East in football; can’t wait for those annual Aztec-Rutgers games. What a rivalry. Aztecs are comically enough in both the Big East (football) and Big West (most everything else)- they should dominate Big West basketball until Steve Fisher retires.
6) Surprising that Ravens-Chargers game Sunday night was still 2,000 fans short of a sellout as of Tuesday afternoon. Should be good game.
5) There is a butter shortage in Norway. Seriously, there is. Guess they had a rainy summer which hurt their milk production. Hey if you were in Oslo and had a bagel, you'd care about this. Don't look at me like that.
4) I love baseball, but if it weren’t for my handicapping where I do so well, I’d have a hard time being too interested these days; the A’s have basically forfeited the next three seasons already by trading away Trevor Cahill, with Gio Gonzalez/Andrew Bailey trades to follow; the owner’s actions say this: “I ain’t trying unless you build me a $500M ballpark.”
Lew Wulff is an old college buddy of former used car salesman Alan R Selig and expected a windfall when he bought the struggling Oakland franchise, but instead the economy crashed and now he has a team he probably wishes he never bought. Believe me, the feeling is mutual.
3) Its not much fun reading Internet articles where the only time your team is mentioned is in terms of selling off their better players, just as it was no fun Monday night to listen to Mike Tirico whine about having to watch bad football in Seattle. Hey stupid, you’re getting paid, shut up and do your job. Its not that hard.
2) ESPN’s Mike Breen/Jeff Van Gundy are going to work a doubleheader Christmas, doing Miami-Dallas during the day, then flying to Oakland to do the Clipper-Warrior game, the coaching debut of their former broadcast partner Mark Jackson. Good to see people who like each other so much that they’re willing to go the extra mile to honor them. I’ll miss Jackson on the air for the year or two he’ll be coaching, then he’ll come back after the Warriors fire him. Happens all the time.
1) Really not sure how someone like Jackson, who has never coached at any level before, lands an NBA head coaching gig. An NBA point guard is like a coach on the floor, but it is hardly coaching. You’d think being an NBA head coach isn’t an entry level position.
Jaguars (4-9) @ Falcons (8-5)—Special game for Atlanta coach Smith (Jax DC from 2003-7), but he had chest pains after Sunday’s win and spent extra night in Charlotte, so unsure if game planning on short week was affected. Falcons are 4-2 at home this year (losing to Packers/Saints), 1-2-2 as home favorites, with wins by 4-14-6-10 points. Jaguars are 1-3 as road underdog this year, losing away games by 29-6-4-10-4 points; they scored 41 unanswered points in home win over Bucs Sunday- only one of their last six losses was by more than 10 points. Jaguars won three of four series games, splitting pair here, with average total 32. AFC South road underdogs are 8-7-1 vs spread in non-divisional play; NFC South home favorites are 7-4-2. Eight of last nine Atlanta games stayed under total; both Jaguar games since Del Rio got fired went over.
Cowboys (7-6) @ Buccaneers (4-9)—9 of 13 Cowboy games this year were decided by 4 or less points or in OT, including last four, with Pokes losing last two weeks in agonizing fashion; now they visit freefalling Bucs squad that lost last seven games (1-6 vs spread), giving up 41 unanswered points to bad Jaguar team last week. Dallas won 11 of 14 series games, winning last three by combined score of 85-40; Bucs scored 16 or less points in four of last five series games. Cowboys are 2-4 on road, with both wins coming in OT (@ 49ers/ Redskins); they’re 2-7-1 as a favorite this year, 0-2-1 on road. Bucs are 2-6 as a dog, 1-1 at home. Pokes split last four visits here, winning 34-21 in last visit here, in ’09 opener. NFC East favorites are 6-13-1 vs spread in non-divisional games, 3-4-1 on road; NFC South underdogs are 6-8, 2-2 at home. Four of Bucs’ last five home games stayed under total.
Redskins (4-9) @ Giants (7-6)—Washington lost eight of its last nine games; they’re 2-3 as road dogs, losing away games by 2-13-23-11 points, with wins at St Louis/Seattle; Skins (+3) upset Giants 28-14 in season opener, getting pick-6 in 3rd quarter that turned tide in even game, ending Giants’ 6-game series win streak. Big Blue was 1-10 on 3rd down in that game. Redskins lost six of last seven visits here, losing last three by 9-6-24 points; they scored 14 or less points in five of last seven series games. Giants are 1-3-1 as home favorite, 3-3 SU, losing last two at home to Eagles/Packers- their comeback win in Dallas last week ended 4-game skid, put them atop weak NFC East, where underdogs are 6-2 vs spread in divisional games this season (under 5-3). Last four Washington games, four of last five Giant games went over the total.
Packers (13-0) @ Chiefs (5-8)—Firing coaches in midseason rarely helps, just creates more work for remaining job-hunting assistants with holidays around corner, so Haley’s departure makes beating unbeaten Pack even dicier proposition. Last true road game of season for Green Bay team that is 4-3 as road favorite, winning away games by 7-10-11-6-7-12-3 points (five of seven foes are playoff contenders). In their last six games, Chiefs have three offensive TDs on 66 drives, with one TD scored on Hail Mary; they’ve scored total of 22 points in last three games at Arrowhead, where they’re 2-4 this year, but 3-0 as underdog, with home losses by 34-28-7-4 points, and wins over Vikings/ Chargers. Over is 6-1 in last seven Packer games, 2-9 in Chiefs’ last 11 contests. NFL-wide, home underdogs are 22-22-1 vs spread in non-divisional games.
Saints (10-3) @ Vikings (2-11)—Red-hot New Orleans won/covered last five games, are tied for #2 slot in NFC that comes with cherished first round bye, but 49ers own tiebreak, so pressure on Who-Dats to keep winning here. Saints lost last five visits here, with last visit in ’05- their last win in this building was in ’93; NO is 4-3 on road, 2-3 as road favorites, winning away games by 13-3-3-5 points, with losses to Pack/Rams/Bucs. Minnesota lost last five games (1-3-1 vs spread) but got spark from mobile QB Webb last week (had 65-yard TD run) in controversial loss at Detroit. Five of Vikings’ last seven games were decided by six or less points- Minnesota is 5-3-1 as a dog this year, 2-1 at home. NFC North underdogs are 6-4, 1-1 at home. NFC south favorites are 11-9-2, 4-5 on foreign soil. Over is 6-2 in Minnesota’s last eight games, 1-4 in Saints’ last five.
Seahawks (6-7) @ Bears (7-6)—Chicago 0-3 with Hanie at QB after being Tebow-ed in Denver last week, blowing 10-0 lead with 3:15 left; in last two games, Chicago has one offensive TD on 27 drives, with 16 3/outs, going 2-26 on 3rd down. Bears are 4-2 as favorite this year, 3-2 at home. Seattle travels east on short work week after lethargic MNF win; Seahawks won four of last five games, covered five of last six; they’re 7-2-1 in last ten games as an underdog, 3-2-1 as road dog, losing away games by 16-24-3-10, with wins at Giants/Rams. Home side won five of last seven series games, with Seattle losing 35-24 in playoffs here last January, after Hawks had upset Chicago here during season. NFC North favorites are 12-10 vs spread, 8-7 at home. NFC West road dogs are 9-7-1 vs spread. Seahawks’ last three games all went over the total.
Dolphins (4-9) @ Bills (5-8)—Impossible to endorse visitors from South Beach in potentially frigid western NY after they canned Sparano Monday, after Fish had covered six of seven games, winning four of last six SU; Dolphins are 1-5 on road, 4-2 as road underdogs, with three losses by 3 or less points. Miami (-2) hammered Bills 35-8 at home four weeks ago, blocking punt for TD, also scoring on TD drives of 23-4 yards. Series has been swept in nine of last 12 years; Fish lost five of last six visits here, but also beat Bills in Toronto during that time. Free-falling Buffalo lost last six games (1-5 vs spread); after running ball for 138+ yards in five of first seven games, Bills averaged just 80 rushing yards over last four weeks and converted just 17 of last 54 on 3rd down. Bills are 3-2 at home, but their last home win was October 9. Under is 10-1-1 in last dozen Miami games.
Panthers (4-9) @ Texans (10-3)—Not sure how first-time division champ Texans will react to prosperity after being patted on back all week by locals; they had celebration at stadium when team returned home from Cincy last Sunday. One motivating factor to keep playing is first-round bye that they’re currently tied for. Houston won/covered last seven games- they’re 4-1 as home favorites, winning at Reliant by 27-7-10-18-7 points, with only loss to Raiders. Carolina is 4-0 when it allows 20 or less points, 0-9 when it allows more; they’re 2-3 as road underdog, losing away games by 7-5-14-14 points. Panthers haven’t beaten team with winning record this season. Texans won only two series games, 14-10/34-21, with last meeting in ’07. AFC South home favorites are 3-5 vs spread in non-divisional games; NFC South road underdogs are 4-6. Last four Panther games went over.
Titans (7-6) @ Colts (0-13)—Rookie Locker likely to get first NFL start here for Titans, vs awful Indy squad that is 1-5 vs spread at home, losing by 8-3-4-24-14-8 points at Lucas Oil Field; Colts got backdoor covers as double digit road dogs last two weeks, after being 0-7 vs spread in previous seven games. Titans (-9) beat Indy 27-10 at home in Week 8, blocking punt for TD in game where Colts outrushed them 158-96 and outgained them by 78 yards for game, but scored only 10 points on four trips to Titan red zone. Tennessee is 2-3 as favorite this year, all at home; they’re 3-3 at home, winning by 18-27-6 points. Home underdogs are 10-10 vs spread in divisional games, 2-6 in AFC, 0-2 in AFC South. Last seven Tennessee games stayed under the total. Colts allowed 141+ rushing yards in four of last five games, good news for Chris Johnson’s fantasy owners.
Jets (8-5) @ Eagles (5-8)—Philly is 8-0 all-time vs Jets, with five of last seven wins by 7+ points, but this is just second visit here since ’78 by Gang Green (0-4 in Philly, losing by average of 23-12), which won last three games overall, and is in thick of playoff race, while Iggles need lot of help to get in. Jets are 7-0 when they score more than 24 points, 0-4 when they score less, 1-1 when they get exactly 24; Eagles allowed 13 or less points in all five wins, 21+ in all eight losses. Philly is 0-4 vs spread the week following a win this season; they had consecutive wins, but had Week 7 bye in between; Eagles are ghastly 1-5 at home this year, crushing Dallas in Week 8; they’re 3-7 vs spread when favored. NFC East home favorites are 3-9 vs spread in non-divisional games; AFC East road underdogs are 6-4. Four of Jets’ last five games went over total.
Bengals (7-6) @ Rams (2-11)—Cincy’s playoff hopes took jolt with last-second loss to Texans last week, their 4th loss in last five games, now they can take frustrations out on awful St Louis squad that is on short work week after dismal 30-13 loss Monday night. Five of Cincinnati’s seven wins are by 7+ points- they’re 2-3 as favorites, 4-3 SU on road, with wins by 10-10-22-7 points, losing to Broncos-Steelers-Ravens. Rams haven’t covered any of their 11 losses, losing at home by 18-30-7-17-3 points, but they did somehow upset the Saints at home. In six games since beating Saints, Rams have four offensive TDs on 72 drives, with 11 turnovers/28 3-outs. Rams won three of last four series games; Bengals are 0-2 in this dome, with last visit in ’03. Over is 3-0-1 in Bengals’ last four games. Remember, bad teams don’t have much home field advantage.
Lions (8-5) @ Raiders (7-6)—Suh expected back for Detroit in battle of heavily-penalized, contending teams hungry for wins; Lions were +6 in turnovers last week and still almost lost at home to Vikings, which would’ve been unheard of. Detroit is 4-2 on road; they’re only team to beat Tebow, winning 45-10 at Denver in Week 8. Raiders got smoked 34-14/46-16 on road last two weeks, getting outscored 44-0 in first half; they’re 3-3 at home, 1-1 with Palmer at QB, beating Cutler-less Bears last home game. In last three games, Lions have 265 penalty yards, their opponents 121. Lions lost three of four visits here, winning last one 36-21 in ’07. Oakland is 6-1 with 2+ takeaways, 1-5 with less; Lions turned ball over 2+ times in only three of 13 games. Detroit won last two series games by 10-15 points, after losing six of first eight meetings. Three of last four Oakland games went over the total.
Patriots (10-3) @ Broncos (8-5)—Tebow is 7-1 as starter, winning last four games by 4 or less points in inexplicable fashion reminiscent of George Blanda in ’71. New England is 10-3 despite allowing 20+ points in nine games; they’re susceptible to passing attacks, which means they’re safe here for first three quarters. Patriots won last five games, getting backdoored by Orlovsky/ Grossman last two weeks; they’re 5-7 as a favorite, 3-3 on road, winning away games by 14-12-21-18-7, losing at Bills/Steelers. Last time teams met was in ‘09, Denver won in OT, Josh McDaniels strutted around Invesco like Hulk Hogan and Tebow was still in Gainesville; that was Denver’s fourth win in last five series games. Pats lost last three visits here by 8-14-3 points- their last win here was in ’03. AFC East non-divisional road favorites are 3-5 vs spread; AFC West home underdogs are 4-3.