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Monday's List of 13: Wrapping up an NFL Sunday.........
13) How the course of history hinges on one thing: the Miami Dolphins' team doctor wouldn't OK Drew Brees' right shoulder a few years back, so he signed with the Saints instead of Miami. If he signed with Miami, the Saints would likely still suck, Nick Saban wouldn't be coaching Alabama, he'd still be coaching the Dolphins. If if if if if if........
12) Brees has now thrown a TD pass in 39 consecutive games. Record is 47 straight games, set by Johnny Unitas 50 years ago. If Brees breaks the record, it'll happen in Week 5 next season.
11) Vikings' coach Leslie Frazier continues to flunk game management; in Sunday's game, score is tied with 1:09 left, Denver has the ball on Vikings' 5-yard line. Only chance Minnesota has to win the game is to let Denver score and then get the ball back and try to score themselves. NFL teams do not miss 20-yard field goals indoors. How does Frazier not know this?
Jason Garrett didn't fare much better out in Arizona, somehow letting 25 seconds run off the clock when Dallas had two timeouts and ball on the Arizona 31. When they lined up for the game-winning FG, Garrett called timeout; later he said it was so the field goal team didn't have to rush the kick, but the kicker made the first try, missed the one that counted.
Guess they don't teach clock management at Princeton.
10) Packers have now won 18 games in a row (13-5 vs spread). Tuesday, they'll be selling 250,000 shares of stock for $250 apiece, which are really cool souvenirs but a horrible investment, since they don't appreciate. Easy way for Green Bay raise a quick $62,500,000. Must be nice.
9) Hard to believe that TJ Yates is the first North Carolina QB to start an NFL game. Ever.
8) Texans' coach Gary Kubiak was once a ballboy for the Houston Oilers, when Bum Phillips was head coach; now 30 years later, Bum's son Wade is defensive coordinator for Kubiak's team, which is playoff-bound.
7) Jets were down 16-13 with 5:00 left in Washington, but scored three TDs in last 4:49, gaining a total of 85 yards on the three drives. Redskins look good at times, but then you realize Rex Grossman is their QB.
6) Arizona Cardinals have now won four straight overtime games against the Cowboys. Dallas still leads the NFC East because the Giants lost.
5) Carolina Panthers have a rookie QB, a rookie head coach and scored 11 offensive TDs in their last three games. Rams have 11 TDs all season, so no lame excuses about having a new offensive coordinator. If you've got good coaches who develop players, it shows up on Sunday afternoons. It also shows up if you don't have good coaches.
4) Six TDs were scored this week on defense/special teams; all six teams won their game, Denver and Green Bay by three points each.
3) Favorites are 6-8 this week, home teams 8-6, over is 7-6-1.
2) Miami Dolphins have now won four of their last five games, winning last three home games, outscoring their opponents 89-31. Oakland scored TDs on its last two drives Sunday, ending a streak of 31 drives that Fish didn't allow a touchdown at home. Pretty impressive for a 4-8 team.
1) 40 years ago, a 40+-year old kicker/backup QB named George Blanda rallied the Raiders to either a win or a tie six weeks in a row, one of the truly great streaks in NFL history. Very similar to what Tim Tebow does every week now, except Tebow is 20 years younger, he doesn't kick, but he sure can run. He is 6-1 as a starting QB, but there are still very smart football people who swear he's no good. An interesting discussion.
I realized something as I was watching the Big Ten championship game on Saturday night: I miss Gus Johnson calling the NFL. I know that he's been doing the FX college games this year (with the abysmal Charles Davis who is football's Len Elmore). And you know what, it was just as awesome as I remembered. NO ONE goes nuts like Gus which is why I love him so. His call of the 4th down fluke bomb from Wilson to Duckworth was a classic Gus-gasm (GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!) but that pales in comparison to his best call. The call that still has me LOLing today.
In the third quarter, when #82 for Sparty got crushed by a Badger LB, Gus just PWNED it. "He knocked off his helmet! HE KNOCKED OFF HIS DO' RAG!!!" I could listen to Gus talk about do' rags forever. So in conclusion, thank you, Gus, for making the Big Ten title game even better than it already was. While we like Marv Albert doing the NFL, your presence in the booth is still missed. Anyway, onto the rest of the worst of week unlucky number.
*DeSean Jackson - You know how Peyton Hillis was having the worst contract year ever? At least he isn't quitting in the middle of games. D-Jax should just put his house on the market now because the Eagles should not pay this diva another cent.
*Vince Young - Sucks. DREAM TEAM!
*Andy Reid - It's coming. He's going to get shitcanned (and deservedly so). And God dammit, we need more head coach firings. Jack Del Rio isn't enough for me. I need more blood!
*Rex Grossman - Enough said.
*Redskins Defense - 3 touchdowns to Shonn Greene, eh? That is so pathetic.
*Ryan Fitzpatrick - The wheels have pretty much all fallen off of the circle wagons. I don't get it. The Bills had a chance at least to win the game but Fitzy was throwing passes harder than Brett Lorenzo on that final drive that zero receivers could possibly catch. Remember when he signed a 59 million dollar contract? Hilarity ensued.
*Matt Forte and Andre Johnson - Uh oh. You don't like to see this stuff. Both of these teams have to be pissed at how snakebitten they've been. And the Texans lost Steroids Cushing, too.
*Please not you, Bears - DON'T SIGN MCNABB. Caleb Hanie is poop salad, but he's still better than Captain Ground Ball.
*The Raid-uhs - It makes you wonder if they even prepared when you see that they were down 34-0 at one point to the Dolphins. And guess what? They ain't in first anymore. Why?
*TEBOWMANIA!!! - It's time for everyone to start believing in the Broncos. Dude is 6-1 as a starter, is starting to make throws in the first 3 quarters, and the defense is (other than yesterday) pretty stout. I'm on the Broncos bandwagon and I want them to win the West. Why? Because I TOTES want Tebow to knock Steely McBeam out of the playoffs. HOW FUCKING GREAT WOULD THAT BE!!!
*The Kyle Orton Express - Nice one pass comeback, jerk!
*TIGER IS BACK, BABY!!! - Oh how sweet was that? Tiger is still the King. I bet he cornholed no less than 6 Perkins waitresses last night.
*Jason Garrett - What the fuck was that? Not using timeouts! Settling on a 48 yard field goal! Icing your own kicker! I'm glad that the Cowboys lost to Kevin Kolb because they have been masquerading as a good team for far too long. THEY ARE NOT. And DeMarco Murray still isn't good.
*The '72 Dolphins - They're already starting to come out of their cryogenic freezing processes to remind us of who they are. It remains annoying. But you know what, the Packers are definitely going into the playoffs undefeated. The Raiders, Chiefs, Bears, and Lions aren't going to stop them. Face it, Green Bay is going 16-0. We'll talk more later about if they can run through the Super Bowl, but for now, FUCK Mercury Morris.
In conclusion, I pretty much sucked this week as well. Worst week in a long time but its almost Bowl Express time so I may have been focusing on what will be and not what is. Either way my hair line is still receding and I am headed to Hutchinson Island this week to piss in the ocean and start looking at bowl matchups. See ya faggots and homos. And you gorgeous lesbos.