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SPOOKY'S USC DESERVES TO PLAY FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKLY THANKSGIVING EXPRESS
SPOOKY'S WINNERS AND LOSERS OF THE WEEK
Let's see who did really dumb shit this past weekend.
Oklahoma State - Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Season over, queers. Look at you, Iowa State. Dick swingin giant killers. Let's get a round of pussy for those lovable bunch of future K-Mart managers. In Obesity State's defense, they were mourning the loss of some basketball coaches that died in a plane wreck only a day before this game happened. So in honor of Kurt Budke and Miranda Serna, we'll momentarily pretend that women's basketball is a real sport. And you think Spooky doesn't have heart. Nonsense.
Clemson - Ahhhhhhh. The sweet stench of rotting failure. Never trust the ACC. Taj Boyd showed us that he's not quite there yet and the rest of the team showed us they're fucking terrible. I'm sure Marmalard Rivers broke the record for most white guy fist pumps completed in one minute after he saw the final score of this game. Then in another act of celebration...murdered his neighbor's dog. This has nothing to do with this game, but I just cannot get enough of this picture. FakeNeck Beamer jiggles his titty chin in approval of this loss.
Arizona - I know the entire state cares more about things like stealing land from Native Americans, cacti and not dying from heat stroke than they do about football, but come on! DickRod as your coach? Did you learn nothing from Michigan? I guess it doesn't matter that much since there aren't actually any real Arizona Wildcat fans out there...unless you count Luke Walton. He seems gay enough to still keep up with Arizona sports. My advice is that if there are any actual Wildcat fans out there that matter, they should cut out the buttholes in all of their jeans to make it easier. You can fight it all you want but the scabby midget dick of Rich Rodriguez will penetrate your anus at some point.
Georgia fans - Mark Richt is keeping his job. You can get the noose back out now. That is all.
Oregon - What the fuck! You fuckin handle Stanford, look almost like a National Title contender, start creeping back into the conversation, then lose to Matt Barkley. Ya know I spermed the inside of my boxer shorts watching The Erection King work Oregon's shaft on Saturday. The SEC is fuckin terrible. lol They reek of egg farts and spoiled oatmeal. If you want to know exactly what that smells like, you just need to catch a whiff of JB's last sexual partner. She has the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Dave Grohl.
Baylor - RG3 is a God damn stud. This is why the Heisman is stupid. Insane stats, Big-12 schedule, plays for a ranked team and not a single mention of the Heisman. Why should RG3 be penalized because the rest of Baylor sucks? I'm not saying he should win it, but I definitely think he deserves an invite. His stats are just as good as the other QBs getting fluffed every 12 seconds. I digress...but let's put our hands together for not one, but TWO Oklafatass schools sucking the hairy under tit of the upset. Hooray, Baylor. Now when people talk about the Bears they don't have to talk about basketball players murdering each other and Bill Brasky playing center for the women's team. Strike that last comment from the record. We've pretended long enough to care about women's basketball.
Ark-Kansas - They actually control their own destiny to play in the title game. Wonderful. The only question is how many more jokes can I make about racism, pedophilia, incest and poverty? Jesus, this is fucking exhausting. Razorback...even the team name sounds like a hillbilly rape move. "Got that skank smoked on Drain-O bombs last night and gave her the razorback on my rape rack. Once I realized she wasn't dead, I lost my boner so I had to finish up with my sister. Took her and the pet goat to get me hard again. Don't worry...I kept the blood." Fuck...that was even a little too raunchy for me. After football games the downtown scene HAS to be like Remember The Titans, right?
Lee Corso - This is the day we've been waiting for. The day Lee Corso finally loses it completely. I was hoping for something more along the lines of publicly shitting or pissing himself like a newborn, or getting completely nude during the middle of a broadcast while swinging a pillowcase full of dog shit at Chris Fowler...but a good ol' fashioned home cooked "fuck" will do just fine. I can think of nothing more majestic than Corso shouting "Fuck It!" on national television. Not even a bald eagle wearing a head band ripping off thousands of M-16 rounds would be more American. I would even argue Joey Chestnut hoarking down 65 hotdogs in 12 minutes isn't even in the same stratosphere. Lee Corso is my new Captain America. From now on, Corso should wear a thong cut from the cloth of the American flag.
We're closing in on the end of the college football season, my friends. Unfortunately with the end of college football comes the beginning of the holiday season. And with the holiday season comes one of the most fucking annoying things ever. The Salvation Army bell ringer standing outside every grocery store. Got to experience that shit this evening while leaving Kroger. What a pleasant fucking surprise that was...RING RING RING RING RING RING RING! SON OF A BITCH!!! Put that God damn bell away before I make you fucking eat it. Yes, I see you. You are a giant man standing next to an even more giant red thing full of money. And you're there every fucking year at the same time. And you smell like Queen Latifah's dirty clothes hamper. Give it a rest, jackass because as long as you're clamoring that bell you're getting shit from me. Happy Packers getting gang raped by Lions day, everyone.
Friday's List of 13: Things I'm looking for this weekend
13) Weird system they have in college football. If Alabama/LSU both win their games this weekend, Crimson Tide is pretty much guaranteed a spot in the national title game, but LSU won’t be, because they’ll have to win the SEC title game against Georgia.
12) What team will pickup Kyle Orton? Lot of teams could use him, and he’s not even that good. Strange to see someone like him, an obviously competent player, cut at this time of year. Does it mean we’re going to have some scripted Brady Quinn appearances in Denver?
11) Texas-Texas A&M are meeting for the last time as league rivals, and that’s strange to type. 117 years they’ve been playing. Hard to imagine they won’t get back together and play in a few years. That big stadium Jerry Jones has in Arlington holds a lot of people who would spend a lot of money to see it, and in this world, money talks. Loudly.
10) Six teams that played on Thanksgiving Day came into the day with a combined record of 42-18, the best record of Turkey Day teams since the ’75 teams were a combined 28-12.
9) UCLA is a 14-point dog to USC but if they win, they go to the first Pac-12 title game. Supposedly, Bruins will wear their road whites, ending string in this rivalry where both teams wore their home jerseys, no matter where the game was played.
8) I keep hearing how horrible the Patriot defense is, but they always seem to win. Then I think about Jackson and Maclin running thru that secondary and I wonder who is going to cover them Sunday. Very interesting game, probably Sunday’s most interesting game.
7) Virginia has never won the ACC football title outright, but if they upset Virginia Tech this week, they’ll play Clemson in the league title game. Still think Cavalier coach Mike London is Penn State’s next football coach; not sure he’d be wise to take it, but think he’ll get offered the job.
6) Chargers lost their last five games; Denver is 4-1 since they made Tebow the starting QB, yet San Diego is a 6.5-point favorite. Why is that? Public perception obviously, but I do think it’s a bad line. Bronco players believe in Tebow, and belief means a lot in sports.
5) Kentucky lost its last 26 games against Tennessee; neither team is very good this year, but the Vols need a win to become bowl eligible which is big, because a bowl bid means extra practices, which help more than the game does. Additional random thought: Derek Dooley needs to lose those orange pants; they’re very, very bright.
4) Giants play the Saints Monday night and the Packers next week; they really, really need to win one of those two games, or the jackals will be circling Swamp Stadium looking for Tom Coughlin’s head.
3) Can someone please give Brady Hoke a coat for Christmas? Michigan’s coach didn’t wear one last week in 40-degree weather in Ann Arbor; he came to Michigan from San Diego State, he had to be cold last week. I was cold just watching him.
2) Caleb Hanie/Matt Leinart are both thrust into the spotlight this week, taking over the starting QB role for contending teams due to injuries to the starter. Have more faith in Hanie than Leinart, because no one coaches up backup QB’s like Mike Martz. Think both guys will fare well, though.
1) Quick baseball thought; the hideously greedy bastards who own the Bronx Bombers are raising bleacher tickets $5 a game next year, like they need the money. They’ve got the highest payroll in baseball every year, yet they’ve only won one World Series since 2000.
They blackmailed the government (threatened move to Meadowlands) to get their new stadium built to their financial advantage, they charge $9 for a beer, now they’ve got to squeeze another $5 a game out of the regular guy who goes to the games to go root for them. Terrific bunch of guys they are.