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SPOOKY SAYS ITS TIME FOR REX RYAN TO KINDLY STFU NFL EXPRESS
Monday's List of 13: Wrapping up an NFL Sunday......
13) 49ers had a 16-yard edge in average field position, improved to 8-1 on Sunday, holding off the Giants 27-20 at Candlestick. Giants got inside the 49ers' 20-yard line four times, managed only one TD, two FGs.
12) Chicago crushed the Lions 37-13 but scored only one offensive TD, and that came on a 30-yard drive. Devin Hester ran a punt back for a TD and the Bears' defense ran two INTs back for a score, as Stafford broke the index finger on passing hand, but continued to play (poorly). Why?
11) Detroit-Chicago game started at 4:15, and went to the half at 6:01. By the way, it is officially stupid to punt the ball to either Hester or Patrick Peterson. Isn't that obvious by now????? Punt it out of bounds.
10) Saints lost the coin toss in all ten games this year, and they also lost the coin toss before overtime in Atlanta. Referee hosed the Falcons on a first down spot/replay overturn in OT, then Mike Smith went for it on fourth down and cost his team the game.
Actually throwing the ball to a fullback on 3rd-and-short is one of my pet peeves in football. Fullbacks get paid to block, not to handle the pigskin, especially in a situation where the game is on the line. Throwing to their fullback was stupid and ultimately a fatal mistake.
9) At 2:10 Sunday afternoon, Tony Romo was 18-19 for 237 yards with three TDs. Jessica Simpson probably texted him by 2:30.
8) Bengals started three drives in Pittsburgh territory, and managed only a field goal and two INTs on subsequent drives. They lost 24-17, so you do the math. Baltimore's loss in Seattle helps both teams.
7) Alex Smith has played for seven offensive coordinators in his seven years as quarterback of the 49ers.
6) Last team that was 3-6 but wound up in playoffs were Jacksonville Jaguars, way back in 1996. Coached by a guy named Coughlin.
5) All four NFC West teams won Sunday; how long has it been since that happened?
4) According to NFL.com, Rams have seven players on their roster with a number in the 50's; three of the seven went to BYU. All seven are white. Would it kill the front office to get some linebackers who can run fast? Would this be a bad thing? Not talking about Lauranitis, he's very good.
Cleveland lost because their long snapper bounced a snap to the holder as the Browns were trying a 21-yard FG in the last 2:00. Not the prettiest of games. Watching it I'm wondering, how the hell have the Browns beaten three teams? Teams they've beaten: Seattle-Miami-Indianapolis. Oh.
3) Odd scheduling: Chicago's next four games are against the AFC West. Very strange, especially this late in the season.
2) Under was 10-5 Sunday, as over bettors need psychiatric help; there were only five defensive TDs and two special teams TDs Sunday, and the Bears had three of them. Over the last five weeks, as defenses have now more than caught up to the offenses, under is 45-22.
The new kickoff rule is hurting scoring. For the year, 177 of 334 drives (53.0%) started 80+ yds from end zone. (That is eliminating drives at end of each half that aren't completed). When teams have to drive 80+ yards to score a touchdown, not many touchdowns are scored.
1) You can't be minus-3 in turnovers and miss a 23-yard FG and expect to win an NFL game, epecially against the Patriots. Seven of 15 losers this were minus-2 or worse in turnovers- they lost by average score of 33-11. After than the Packers, I have zero idea who the second-best team is, but it ain't the Jets or the Ravens, who have lost to Jaguars/Seahawks.
Why were there no teams on byes this week? 4 teams are off next week. That makes no sense. I think someone told me at Trivia Night that it had to do with Roger Goodell having repairs done to his sex dungeon this week. I'm not really sure how that relates at all though. On to the action from Week 10:
Philip Rivers - No "superstar" QB has ever played worse. Ever. How has Norv Turner not been fired yet?
Mike Smiff - The fuck? Who goes for it on 4th and inches from your own 29 in overtime? If you don't get it, the game is totes over! And they didn't get it and it was over! That was dumber than shit. Here's another thing, any time that you only need a few inches, QUARTERBACK SNEAK is the only play. Dumbasses.
Those that dislike the Bungholios - The Bengals aren't good enough to be discounting moral victories, so they should accept this one. Cincy played the Steelers damn tough. You've really got to like what the Bingles are doing and how they're playing this season. And, you know, fuck Ocho Cinco.
Browns LULZZZZ - What a terrible team. They were trying to win their second game this year with just Phil Dawson's foot and, instead, decided to piss it away with a classic LACES OUT moment. Brian Pontbriand gained fame this past week in the awesome Factory Of Sadness video and he rewarded that guy by hitting a 12 hopper back to the holder. Awesome. Way to lose at home to the Rams, losers.
Ryan Fitzpatrick - Maybe they shouldn't have backed the BRINKS truck up to his house yet. It seems like Chan The Man's offense just doesn't work against those savage Ryan boys.
People that think that DeMarco Murray is elite - Let's not crown this guy until he does something against a defense that doesn't belong to the Rams, Seahawks, or Bills.
Curtis Painter - So bad. (horn, horn) BOILER UP!!!
Todd Haley - The Chiefs are a weird team. I don't like weird teams that are hard to figure out. When in doubt, root for someone to lose their job. By the way, I realize that Tebow only completed 2 heavenly passes but his touchdown to white guy from Minnesota was beautiful. Tim Tebow = Elite.
Rex Grossman - I was so happy to wake up on Sunday to see that EL SEX CANNON was back as the starter. Really made my crippling hangover seem worth the pain. And Rex (Mickey Rourke's favorite QB apparently) was LOL. His interceptions were just gorgeous fecal bombs. No more Beck, please, if they are going to continue to lose, keep it funny with Rex.
Mike Shanahan - WHY THE FUCK WAS RYAN TORAIN BACK THIS WEEK, FUCKO? I love it when Shanny does this crap. Roy Helu was the shit last week and in Miami, one touch in the first half so that Torain could average less than 2 yards per carry. Shanahan is shit.
DREAM TEAM!!! - These guys are awful. Fire Andy Reid. I guess I'm trying to say that giving Mike Vick 100 million dollars might not have been a good idea. The Eagles are a disgrace.
DeSean Jackson - Buy a fucking clock that works, fart face. One of the year's biggest disappointments must have been confused by the separate knob.
People waiting on the Texans to fold - It ain't happening this year. Houston is going to end up getting the one seed. They are legit and are about to get one of the best players in the league back.
Cam Newton - UH OH! Dude has a tired arm and is starting to get exposed. I hate to break it to you, but Cam is not going to lead any team to fantasy glory. I am looking right at you, Dut.
Matthew Stafford - Hot garbage...possibly the worst game that a quarterback has played this season. Ol' 12 chins clearly used his bye week well. 2 pick sixes is Rivers-bad. I don't really know what to think about this game. Are the Lions fading? Are the Bears a legit Super Bowl contender? Is Jay Cutler actually (gulp) good?
Jim Schwartz - WHY ARE YOU KICKING TO DEVIN HESTER!!!
The Ravens - Fuck you guys. Seriously. Every time you have an impressive win, you follow it up with a loss to the Jaguars or the Seahawks. I will never buy into these losers.
That's it. Im back and all you faggots better come to Punta Cana with us next year. It cant be beat.