Humor

[Kutz]

Peyton Manning Apologizes for Not Also Blaming His Receivers

Just days after he heaped blame on Indianapolis’s offensive line for the Colts divisional round playoff loss to the Steelers on Sunday, Peyton Manning appeared on an Indianapolis sports radio show this morning to apologize for his statements and express regret that he didn’t also blame his receivers.

“It was wrong of me to suggest that all the fault for our loss lay at the feet of my lineman,” said Manning. “My receivers blew it for me, too, and they deserve just as much of the blame. They have to be where I throw the ball, no matter how off-target it is. I’m Peyton freaking Manning. I deserve that much.”

Manning has taken hits from some in the media since Sunday for his comments that were seen as classless and disrespectful of his teammates, especially considering he also didn’t play well, repeatedly called plays that weren’t appropriate to counteract a blitz, and refused to check down to intermediate receivers.

“My comments were taken out of context,” he said. “You have to realize that we only have a set amount of time in front of the press, and they ask a lot of questions. Had I had more time, I would have blamed everyone: my receivers, backs, the defense, special teams, my coaches, ownership, the fans, everyone. But I only had time to get to my lineman, and I’m sorry for singling them out.”

The All-Pro quarterback said he plans to address his team face-to-face about his controversial comments.

“Basically, I’m going to sit them all down and remind them of the bigger picture – that I’m Peyton Manning, they’re not, and that they should be grateful to be on the same team as me,” he said. “As such, there are some responsibilities that go with that honor, and that’s getting me a Super Bowl and protecting my image, no matter the cost. I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t think they realize that I’m a Manning, son of Archie, brother of Eli – football freaking royalty. I am better than them. The least they can do is give a little effort.”

[Kutz]

Selfish Kobe Bryant refusing to pass to his crappy teammates

Kobe Bryant’s recent scoring binge may have catapulted the Los Angeles Lakers to a three-game win streak, but it’s only fueled his reputation as a selfish player who never passes.
“Yeah, I hear that a lot,” said Bryant. “That I need to pass and get my teammates involved more. But have you seen my teammates? Our starting point guard is someone named ‘Smush,’ for crying out loud. I could pass the ball every chance I get it and I’m not going to get more than four or five assists a night ‘cause I’m the only guy on the team who can make a shot.”
Lakers coach Phil Jackson said he pulled his star player aside last week to discuss his role on the team.
“I asked him if he would rather return this team to the playoffs and win a scoring title while building a reputation for being selfish, or improve his public persona while finishing dead-last in the Western Conference,” said Jackson. “He went with the former. And thank God, because if he hadn’t I would have had to come up with a way to work Chris Mihm into the offense. Even I’m not that smart.”

[Kutz]

Marcus Vick arrested for Nazi war crimes

The sad saga of former Virginia Tech quarterback went from bad to even worse this morning with the news he has been detained by U.S. Justice Department officials for Nazi war crimes during the 1940s.
“The gun arrest the other day at the McDonald’s caught me by surprise,” said Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer, “but this one, uh, I definitely can say I didn’t see this one coming at all. It’s shocking. Our records say Marcus wasn’t even born until 1984, but apparently he was exterminating Jews a good 40 years before that. You know, I’m starting to get the impression that this stuff is never going to end with Marcus. He has some real problems.”
According to the Justice Department, Vick personally oversaw the killing or more than 30,000 people at Dachau as a captain in the Nazi German army. U.S. officials plan to extradite Vick to Germany for trial by the end of the month.
“Every time I think Marcus has bottomed out he seems to drop even lower,” said Beamer. “First it was the incident where he got those little girls drunk, then the drunk driving and the speeding with suspended license stuff. Then he stomps on that guy’s leg and goes and gets himself arrested for brandishing a gun at a McDonald’s. And now it’s the Holocaust. You know, I’m even starting to think all these rumors that he killed Christ might be true.”

[Kutz]

January 16, 2005

Dear Pete [Morelli] –

What the heck were you thinking on Sunday in Indianapolis? Sure, I gave you clear instructions before the game to do everything possible to let the Colts win so the NFL would have at least one Manning in the Super Bowl.

But jeez, dude! We have the credibility of the NFL at stake here!

What I wanted for you to do was call a bunch of holding penalties on the Steelers, false starts, questionable pass interference penalties, spotting the ball short on 4th downs – things of that nature. Stuff that would kill every Pittsburgh drive and keep Colts drives going. NOT overturn a blatant interception. I mean, come on! Do I have to spell everything out for you people? I’m surprised you didn’t just come right out and say: “The ruling on the field is overturned because Paul Tagliabue wants the Colts to win.” That would have been no less damning.

I just don’t think I can trust you for my conspiracy work anymore. Sorry, but you blew it. That was NBA-quality work you did.

And if you need any further proof, just realize that Joey Porter is starting to make sense to people. That should help you grasp how badly you failed.

Paul Tagliabue
NFL Commissioner

P.S. You should be grateful I’m not firing you. Archie Manning wanted me to do that and a whole lot more.

[Kutz]

Tom Brady Three Days Into a Porn Binge of Historic Proportions

With the his team’s season coming to a premature end on Saturday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has discovered he has more time on his hands than ever before – time he can use to delve deeply into one of his great passions: Internet porn.

“God, I love me some Internet porn,” said Brady. “During the season I don’t have a lot of time to dedicate to it, unfortunately. I have to spend all those hours at practice, studying film of opposing defenses, giving interviews, et cetera – that all really cuts into my porn hobby.”

But since the Patriots arrived back in Boston early Sunday morning following their playoff elimination in Denver, Brady has been online from the moment he arrived home.


“My girlfriend is away shooting some movie, so I’m all alone here and it’s been great,” said Brady. “Other than a few hours here and there to grab some sleep or get something to eat, I’ve been in front of my computer without any pants on for almost 72 hours. What a way to pass a week. Competing for a Super Bowl is great, but in all honesty, it doesn’t beat some alone time with my laptop.”

Brady disclosed his love of Internet porn in the September issue of “GQ Magazine.” But since the issue hit newsstands, his surfing time has been limited by all the time constraints of the football season. But no more.

“Some of my favorite sites have really done a great job of adding new photos and videos,” said Brady. “The world of Internet porn is a rapidly evolving place. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

And in addition to his bookmarked porn sites, Brady likes to find new adult sites he has yet to explore.

“Google is probably the greatest invention ever for pornophiles like myself,” said Brady. “Do you know that if you type in ‘hot teen sluts’ into Google it comes back with more than 4.3 million results? It’s true. I might have to show up late for training camp next season with all that awesomeness to wade through. And that’s just one search term. Stuff like ‘barely legal’ and ‘Asian lesbians’ brings back just as many results. Unfortunately though – and this is quite a bummer – if you type in ‘man on goat’ you only get a few hundred. And most of those are just blogs talking about the goat photo from my ‘GQ’ spread. Apparently some people found it a bit unsettling. Not me though. I got a boner.”

[Kutz]

Jets front office wowed by Mangini’s tales of being a New England Patriot

The New York Jets named Patriots defensive coordinator Eric Mangini their new coach on Tuesday after Mangini impressed the team’s brass in his lone interview with stories of what it was like to hang out with Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots team.
“Did you know that Eric has Bill Belichick’s number programmed into his cell phone?” said Jets owner Woody Johnson. “Seriously, he showed it to me. I thought that was so cool. It says ‘Bill: cell.’ He’s on a first name basis with Bill Belichick – the Bill Belichick – can you believe that? I’m so jealous. I wonder if he’s ever been to Belichick’s house. I bet it’s awesome.”
Mangini, 34, who has only worked for one year as a coordinator, said he was surprised at the ease of his interview and that the Jets didn’t ask him any questions about football matters.
“That football stuff will fall into place, I’m sure,” said Jets general manager Terry Bradway. “We all assume he’s just a genius ‘cause he coached for the Patriots. I mean, that’s a given, right? We’re just excited to have one of them here with the Jets. We would do anything to be like the Patriots, and if we could just be half as cool as them we would be happy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been dying to ask Eric if there is an actual glow that emanates from Tom Brady, or if I’m just imagining it because I’m in love with him. I bet it’s both – that he actually glows, but the glow is enhanced due to my unyielding passion – but I’m interested to find out for sure.”

[Kutz]

Jake Plummer not sure how much longer he can keep this up

Just days away from the biggest game of his life for the AFC Championship against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer is dreading to discover how and when his dream season will come crashing down upon him, exposing him as the inept, turnover-prone quarterback he truly is.
“Thank God our defense stepped up last week against the Patriots and that New England didn’t play well,” said Plummer of Denver’s victory in the divisional round. “That allowed me to skate through yet another game without being exposed. But I fear this can’t continue much longer.”
With the stage getting bigger every week, Plummer admits to hoping the Broncos lose this week and put him out of his misery.
“Sure, I’d take a lot crap from people if I chuck four interceptions in the AFC title game,” he said. “But it will be that much worse if I do it at the Super Bowl in front of a billion people. I’m okay being known as a lousy quarterback among football fans, but I don’t need to be a punchline for people all around the world. I just wish the Broncos had never signed me. And soon they will, too.”

[brs14ku]

haha where are you getting these. I like the Jets one alot LMAO

Kobe one is pretty good as well.

[Demster]

I agree these are really good....And I'll bet you that even though Manning probably really didn't say any of that he probably believe's it.

[Highwind]

Hah, I think some of these are from the Onion. They're hilarious! Some of the "news in brief" headlines are the best. I'll see if I can scrounge some up.