Humor

[brs14ku]

Duh!!! The onion. I love that freaking place.

[Kutz]

Actually, it's the Pickle.

[Kutz]

NFL Matchups

Pittsburgh at Denver (-3)

It’s really hard for me to pick a winner in this game. Not because I think the teams are equally matched, but because both the Steelers and Broncos have a special place in my heart for their roles in saving us all from the unbearable media lovefest that would have been a Colts-Patriots AFC Championship game. Despite Pittsburgh and Denver winning though, I half expect to turn on the TV Sunday afternoon all ready for this match-up, only to find CBS has bumped it for a consolation game between New England and Indianapolis with, unfortunately, Phil Simms’ privates presented in “stunning HD.” As for this game though, I honestly, seriously, legitimately, sincerely, 100-percent – all of that sort of thing – can not, will not, shall not, shant – yes, shant – allow my brain to even entertain the idea of Jake Plummer reaching and winning a Super Bowl. Sorry, but I can’t do it. Think about what we saw last week. Most everyone picked the Colts to not only beat the Steelers, but win by 20, 30, or even 40 points. But then, immediately after the game ended, people kind of smacked themselves in the head and said: “Well, duh! You can’t pick Peyton Manning to win in the playoffs! That’s just a law of nature!” … and then they went off and wrote their annual stories about how Peyton Manning can’t win in the playoffs. These are the same people who are saying this week that Jake Plummer has turned the corner and isn’t the same quarterback he used to be. And as far off as these people are, I almost envy them. Having two moments of stunning clarity within one week would be an amazing experience. Some people don’t even get one in their entire lifetime. Most likely because they’re not morons.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)***

Carolina at Seattle (-4.5)

I have never claimed to be a defensive mastermind. No, I’m more of an offensive genius like a Sean Payton or Mike McCarthy. (Come on, that’s funny.) But despite that, I’m going to try to give Seattle a defensive game plan on how to stop the Panthers and essentially guarantee a victory. Here it is. Oh, and apologies in advance to those of you who may not have a very extensive football background and therefore probably won’t understand some of the terminology I’m about to use. This is more for hardcore football people. But anyway, here it is – here’s the game plan … consider covering Steve Smith. I know, I know … pretty heady stuff. This is how you do it though. First, you put your best cornerback on him – not your worst like the Bears did. Hey, hear me out here. Sometimes you have to think outside the box. Give me a chance. Now where was I … ah, yes … you put your best cornerback on him and then – now here is where it gets really tricky – occasionally cover him with two guys. It’s something football experts call “double coverage.” Maybe have a linebacker help out on him, an extra defensive back in nickel or dime packages, or just make sure one of your safeties is always spying on him – it’s really your call there, Seahawks. Do it any way you like. But essentially, my idea is this: cover Steve Smith. Again, I don’t claim to be a defensive genius, but I hope you will at least consider my thoughts on this. And yes, I do realize that putting two guys on Smith leaves the field more open for the playmaking abilities of Nick Goings, Brad Hoover, Keary Colbert and Kris Mangum, as well as Jake Delhomme’s scrambling ability, but … what’s that you say, Seahawks? I’ve completely convinced you now and I don’t need to continue because you’ve pissed your pants with laughter when I used the term “playmaking abilities” in the same sentence as Goings, Hoover, Colbert, Mangum and Delhomme? Well, that wasn’t what I was trying to do, but noted. And good luck on Sunday. Glad I could help.
My pick: Seattle

[Highwind]

Ooh, the pickle, a good one too.




One of the Onion's Sports headlines showed a picture of Vince Young at a press conference, above the heading of "Another Disadvantaged Black Youth Drops Out Of School." Ouch!

[Kutz]

nevermind

[jtsneaks]

“Did you know that Eric has Bill Belichick’s number programmed into his cell phone?” said Jets owner Woody Johnson. “Seriously, he showed it to me. I thought that was so cool. It says ‘Bill: cell.’ He’s on a first name basis with Bill Belichick – the Bill Belichick – can you believe that? I’m so jealous. I wonder if he’s ever been to Belichick’s house. I bet it’s awesome.”
Mangini, 34, who has only worked for one year as a coordinator, said he was surprised at the ease of his interview and that the Jets didn’t ask him any questions about football matters.

JT

[Kutz]

Remember how when you were a kid you would turn on the “Cosby Show” every Thursday hoping to see a brand new installment of family-friendly comedy – and later, when you were 12 or 13, simply to see how much Rudy’s boobs had grown in the past week? But several times a year they’d mail it in and disappoint you with a clips show?

Well, consider this my mailed-in clips show. Since this is the off week before the Super Bowl, I’m saving my “official” preview for next Friday. I know ... you can hardly take the suspense.

Being that I was scarily accurate with my predictions last week – calling Jake Plummer’s implosion in a Steelers win and saying the Seahawks would romp if they bothered to put someone on Steve Smith – I’m surprised Vegas has even set a line for the Super Bowl without hearing my thoughts on the game first. I mean, seriously – how can anyone even pretend to handicap this game without me! I’m 8-2 against the spread so far in the playoffs! I’m a genius! Surely that overshadows the fact that I’m 123-131-2 against the spread for the whole season. Right?! No? No.

Well, how about this then – I’ve correctly picked the last seven Steelers games against the spread. Does anyone dare doubt my unmatched genius now? (You know, anyone other than Seahawks fans who could potentially point to the fact that I’m 4-13-1 picking Seattle games this year.)

But where was I ... ah, yes ... me mailing in a column by doing a “clips show.”

Check out some of the things I had to say about Pittsburgh and Seattle this season.

Week 1 ... Tennessee at Pittsburgh ... Three words for you: Fast. Willie. Parker. By 4:00 p.m. EST on Sunday he will have made Pittsburgh fans completely forget Amos Zereoue. What’s that? They have already, you say? Touche!

(Parker went for more than 200 total yards and a touchdown in that game. In his postgame comments, he thanks me for having faith in him. Or at least he would have, probably, had he had more time in front of the media. Or if he had ever heard of my website.)

Week 3 ... New England at Pittsburgh ... Bit of a dilemma for the Steelers here. Win and pull far ahead of New England in the quest for homefield in the playoffs – thereby guaranteeing yet another Steelers home loss in the AFC title game – or lose in hopes of going on the road in the postseason? Tough call. But whatever happens, I’m sure the Patriots will find a way to be disrespected by it.

(Have the Steelers proven they’re much better off playing on the road in the playoffs? Did the Patriots go on to prove yet again that they are a collection of complete and total douchebags? Check and check.)

Week 5 ... Pittsburgh at San Diego ... This might be the best game we’ve seen so far this season. And what would be even better is if the Steelers and Chargers meet again in the AFC Championship game, because watching Bill Cowher and Marty Schottenheimer go head-to-head with a Super Bowl berth on the line could be quite hilarious. “The Steelers vs. the Chargers for the AFC title. Which coach will make their game plan so ridiculously conservative that they cannot possibly win? Next, on CBS.”

(Bill Cowher clearly heeded my call to be more aggressive with his gameplan, and look where it’s gotten him. And you’re welcome, Bill.)

Week 10 ... Cleveland at Pittsburgh ... Even the most casual Western Pennsylvania sports fan can rattle off all the great quarterbacks who hail from the region. George Blanda. Johnny Unitas. Joe Namath. Joe Montana. Dan Marino. Jim Kelly. But no one ever mentions Pittsburgh-born and bred Charlie Batch along with them. The reason being, of course: racism.

(I’m sticking with this one. Charlie Batch is on the cusp of getting a Super Bowl ring. How many did Blanda, Marino or Kelly win? That’s right ... zero. Batch obviously doesn’t get the respect he deserves because he’s black. Scoop Jackson has my back on this.)

Week 12 ... New York Giants at Seattle ... Here’s the thing – neither of these teams are nearly as good as their record suggests. But here’s also the thing – the NFC continues to suck just as much as ever, so each team has a legitimate shot of representing the conference in the Super Bowl. (Where it would, inevitably, get crushed by the AFC representative. But since that’s guaranteed to happen, I’d almost like to see the Giants make it, just to watch Elisha cah-cah in his uniform pants before 150 million people worldwide.)

(Did one of these teams make the Super Bowl? Yes. Did Elisha cah-cah in his uniform pants? Yes. Unfortunately though it wasn’t in front of 150 million people because he did it in the first round of the playoffs and not the Super Bowl. Admittedly, even suggesting that a Manning could make the Super Bowl is not my finest moment.)

Week 13 ... Cincinnati at Pittsburgh ... So I guess it can no longer be said that Tom Brady is the only quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has ever lost to. Although saying that he’s only lost to Brady and Peyton Manning isn’t too shabby. And even if the Steelers lose again this week, adding Carson Palmer to that list wouldn’t be horrible either as Brady, the gay Manning and Carson Palmer are probably the three best quarterbacks in the NFL right now. But if Roethlisberger and the Steelers should continue to lose down the stretch, well ... this doesn’t sound too impressive: “In Ben Roethlisberger’s brilliant young career, he has only lost to Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer. Oh, and Kyle Orton, Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer and Joey Harrington.” (By the way, those last four names are why the currently 7-4 Steelers go, at worst, 11-5 this season. Barring Tommy Maddox re-emerging from his trash-strewn yard, that is.)

(Did the Steelers finish the regular season 11-5? Yes they did. Was it all that impressive of me to predict that they would knock off the Bears, Vikings, Browns and Lions to do so? No it was not.)

Week 14 ... Chicago at Pittsburgh ... The Steelers haven’t been playing very well of late, but I have a feeling this one is going to get ugly for the Bears. Like Kyle Orton neck beard ugly. (Okay, not that ugly, but probably a margin of victory for the Steelers in the low double-digits – like 10 or 12 points. A game as ugly as Orton’s neck beard would be closer to triple digits, like 128-3 or so.)

(“Like 10 or 12 points,” I wrote. Pittsburgh won by 12 points, 21-9. Seriously, if you need to step away from your computer right now to get some air and contemplate my genius, it’s fine. And understandable. You can finish reading the rest of the column later.)

Week 16 ... Indianapolis at Seattle ... This match-up is most everyone’s pick for the Super Bowl. Of course, betting on both Peyton Manning and the Seattle Seahawks to make a Super Bowl is about as smart as betting that Kenny Chesney will impregnate Peyton Manning.

(If you go to any online sports book now, the actual odds of Kenny Chesney impregnating Peyton Manning are at 5:1, compared to Manning ever making a Super Bowl at 1,000,000:1. I’m serious. You can check. And if Manning can find a surgeon who will put a uterus in his rectum, those odds will probably go to 2:1.)

Week 17 ... Seattle at Green Bay ... The Seahawks are planning to sit a lot of their starters. I presume it’s both to let them get healthy for the playoffs and so all of their backup defensive backs can get some practice intercepting passes.

(Seattle picking off Jake Delhomme four times last week proves that letting all of their DBs get some reps against Brett Favre paid off big time. Favre has become less an NFL quarterback, and more a human tip drill.)

So there you have it. That’s my “clips show.” Of course, like any clips show, you may have noticed I left out all the truly terrible stuff. And trust me, when you go 123-131-12 on a season, there’s lots and lots of truly terrible stuff.

But be sure to tune in next week for an all new episode/column. To keep the Cosby Show theme going, however, I will write it in a in one of those tacky, 1980s, multi-colored Bill Cosby-esque sweaters. I bought mine at the same store Bill Cowher buys his.

[Kutz]

Ha ha, never heard of Anna Benson before last week when I caught this fake article, now that I see the post about her and poker in the Poker Room, it is just that more funny to me.



Anna Benson chains herself to a New York park bench

Well-known baseball wife/whore Anna Benson chained herself to a New York park bench Saturday, hours after learning her husband had been traded from the New York Mets to the Baltimore Orioles after less than two seasons in the media capital of the world.
“I won’t go! I won’t leave New York!” Benson shrieked to bewildered passersby. “I can’t go back to another second-tier city. They can’t make me.”
Benson was finally removed from the street after her husband, Kris, cut through her chains with a power saw and dragged her away.
“Yeah, Anna’s pretty upset about leaving New York, to say the least,” said the starting pitcher. “She suffered through five years in Pittsburgh and thought she had it made when we got traded to New York. She could go on Stern and show her jugs whenever she wanted. But now we’re stuck back in a small market right when she was really starting to get known for her skankiness throughout the country. She’s brokenhearted about it. She offered to blow everyone in the Mets front office if they rescinded the trade, but they wouldn’t call it off. Something about them being pretty sure she’s VD-ridden.”